To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

I moved my toddler son any my room to give my dad a place to stay, amd he smoked cigars in my son's bedroom. Tbh I never forgave him for that.

It sounds to me as if she can't cope with being the unsuccessful one who always has to be grateful (I've been that person a lot in the past and i dont find it easy either). But she hasn't for whatever reason the ability or the strength to make a life where she can either give to people in other ways, or pay her way financially. She can only feel comfortable if there is drama and she is the victim and no longer has to be the one receiving things, so she created a situation where she is no longer having to be grateful to you. Now shes sleeping uncomfortably on a floor so has less to be grateful for, and it's a relative so she may feel more entitled to stay with them. I really wouldn't try to put her back in a situation she has kicked her way out of, and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty. Let her be.

Don't feel guilty. (This is known as FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - look it up.)

Family member or not - she is not your responsibility and brings you nothing but aggro.

Give her a wide berth and do not have her back in your home. And remember the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

People like that never learn and will always blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. You don't owe her anything and you're well rid of her.

Don't feel guilty. I wouldn't even allow anyone to smoke in my courtyard garden. I cant stand the smell. Smokers stink even when they are not smoking and I wouldn't want that in my house. They'd be welcome to vape but that's it.

YANU!

I wouldn't even let people smoke in my back garden....

Given that she seems to have Form for this kind of behaviour I'm flabbergasted that anyone would invite her to stay in their home for any amount of time!!

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK

You did the right thing. Do not have her back to stay! She sounds unpleasant. I know you said you care about her but walking on eggshells around her, allowing her to use your things and saying nothing, giving in to her bullying, etc, isn’t caring for her - it’s ensuring that she doesn’t learn and doesn’t reflect on her behaviour.

I’d ignore her texts. Next time she wants to stay, say No and briefly and calmly explain why. Maybe then she’ll stop being so self-centred and rude. Sometimes people like this need a shock to make them take notice. They rely on other people fussing around them, turning a blind eye, and walking on eggshells. Then when they mess up, it’s always them that’s the ‘innocent victim’ - even though they patently brought the situation upon themselves. Feeding the selfishness and lack of thought for others never works, and just makes them worse.

"Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying" girl are you sure that's your friend? 😂

anyway she had no respect, I can't believe she smoked in your kitchen without checking if you'd be ok with that first.

You did the right thing

Well hopefully that’ll be lesson for her that she can’t just do what she likes in someone else’s home.

I don't think what you did was wrong and I understand that sometimes familial and close friendships can be complicated things so get why you feel guilty as well. I'd probably feel the same and like I should have just sucked it up for a bit.

Sleeping on the relatives floor is her fault though, I was originally gonna say you were harsh until I read that she had been told before. That's taking the piss, and complicated or not, it's a blatant disregard of your hospitality

She sounds manipulative and quite frankly not very nice. You can turn your back on her if she cannot respect you and treat you like you deserve. That’s not a friendship.

No smoking in the house means no smoking in the house.

If she never talks to you again, is it a loss?

By defying you deliberately, she courted her own 'punishment' and now she's sulking after you asked her to go back. You have zero reason to feel guilty. All her issues are her own. Leave her to it.

YANBU

I don't allow smoking in my home;my husband has recently quit and even he didn't smoke in the house.

If you're a renter then many rental agreements state no smoking.

Alcohol is destructive in so many ways - too many to list here but a few googled moments will show you.

A bit of smoke blowing in on the wind through an open window or door is hardly going to do much harm unless the person has serious medical problems.

Roy Castle died of lung cancer from passive smoking. Even though he had never smoked. After his death his wife campained for the smoking ban. Alcohol might affect the drinker's behaviour and annoy other people. But it doesn't have an effect on their health. Before the smoking ban whenever I went on a night out I would have an irritating cough the next day. Even though I don't smoke. We were just supposed to put up with it was the norm.

She's sleeping on cushions on the floor of her parents house. They have house guests too, so all bedrooms are full.

I'd have done the same!

It always feels uncomfortable when you enforce a boundary. If she's hard work then others will know that. Let go of the horrible feelings. It gets easier the more you do it

Why should you button your lip while this woman tramples your boundaries?

Every quality you describe her having sounds horrible so just leave her at her relatives house. Sleeping on cushions won’t kill her. She could have stayed at yours and all she had to do is not smoke in the house. She has stropped off as she can’t stand you telling her what to do - as you have said she is not able to smoke in the floor sleeping house anyway!

Leave her be. If you speak to her just say - “Yes - it’s probably better for our friendship if we aren’t living together! How are you…..”. You have known each other since childhood but if she has grown up to be an awful bully why would you want to know her now?

if you are told a house is non smoking you don't smoke in it full stop.

My house is no smoking.

That said, none of my friends smoke.

Your house, your rules. If she can't respect that and the fact you don't want your home smelling of cigarette smoke, then you did the right thing. She'd certainly have been asked to leave by both of us here.

I'm surprised you are friends with her, she does not sound very nice. And three weeks is too long for a house guest!

No she was not, I will be very pissed if a friend came to stay with me and started smoking in my house especially after I have told her not to.

Good for you. You need to establish boundaries and then be able to enforce them, too. Very few adults can do this.