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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

382 replies

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

OP posts:
JoBrandsCleaner · 07/07/2024 23:30

But she’s:

‘Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times‘ - anyway, so who cares?

Acapulco12 · 07/07/2024 23:35

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

I’m wondering why you and her are actually friends.

You’ve listed things you don’t like about her in the OP. You’ve also mentioned in it that you don’t like her smoking in your house - which is of course completely understandable. I just don’t really understand what there is to sustain your friendship and to explain why you and her are friends in the first place.

And why did you see she’s welcome any time? She clearly isn’t.

Catsmere · 07/07/2024 23:39

I've read all your posts, OP, and she doesn't sound like any sort of friend. She's someone you've known a long time. That doesn't make her a friend. So she has issues - tough. That doesn't give her the right to be bullying and aggressive and most certainly doesn't give her the right to smoke in your house. Grey rock her, fade out, she adds nothing of value to your life by the sound of it.

Acapulco12 · 07/07/2024 23:59

I think you’re being very kind and supportive towards your friend by trying to help her, but it’s not helping you and it will get more upsetting and difficult for you in the long run, so I think the kindest thing you could do here - for you and your friend - is to slowly end your relationship with her.

Skodacool · 08/07/2024 07:23

seedsandseeds · 07/07/2024 20:02

OP don't keep explaining and repeating yourself to these posters. They can read the thread.
You're being too accomodating with these posters. You don't need to justify, be that with randoms on the Internet or family friends.

OP has asked AIBU so people are answering her question. The ‘friend’ appears to get away with appalling behaviour because OP and the parents allow it. Posters are entitled to express their opinions.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 08/07/2024 07:27

Yanbu. Smoking is grim full stop but smoking in someone's house is totally unacceptable. The thing is, smokers aren't aware of how bad they smell or how it sticks to furnishings so they don't see the problem.

Ilovecleaning · 08/07/2024 07:33

Sounds like you are well rid. Especially as she is often rude and confrontational.

InterIgnis · 08/07/2024 07:36

I’m an ex smoker and I never smoked in my own home, let alone anyone else’s. It’s a totally reasonable boundary to have and it’s not like walking downstairs to stand outside was some great hardship for her. YANBU.

ForestForever · 08/07/2024 08:22

Acapulco12 · 07/07/2024 23:35

I’m wondering why you and her are actually friends.

You’ve listed things you don’t like about her in the OP. You’ve also mentioned in it that you don’t like her smoking in your house - which is of course completely understandable. I just don’t really understand what there is to sustain your friendship and to explain why you and her are friends in the first place.

And why did you see she’s welcome any time? She clearly isn’t.

Show quote history

What a ridiculous comment. “And why did you see she’s welcome any time? She clearly isn’t.” By the sounds of it the OP has been more than accommodating to this woman who has no respect for anybody in her life let alone the OP. I’m sure if she actually bothered to follow and respect the OPs perfectly reasonable rules then she would be welcome any time. She hasn’t, so she’s had her invitation rescinded and rightly so. Why are you trying to drive the boot into the OP who is clearly having a tough time with a friend who has well and truly tried to take advantage of her? You must have very little productivity going on in your life if you feel the need to behave like this to strangers seeking advice on the internet.

Emmz71 · 08/07/2024 08:32

Not unreasonable at all. I've just stayed at my friend's house and I vape. He doesn't want me doing it in the house and I respect that. It doesn't exactly kill me to sit in the garden and vape. Anyway it's your house and your rules. She sounds like a pain in the rear aside from the smoking issue

Acapulco12 · 08/07/2024 08:46

ForestForever · 08/07/2024 08:22

What a ridiculous comment. “And why did you see she’s welcome any time? She clearly isn’t.” By the sounds of it the OP has been more than accommodating to this woman who has no respect for anybody in her life let alone the OP. I’m sure if she actually bothered to follow and respect the OPs perfectly reasonable rules then she would be welcome any time. She hasn’t, so she’s had her invitation rescinded and rightly so. Why are you trying to drive the boot into the OP who is clearly having a tough time with a friend who has well and truly tried to take advantage of her? You must have very little productivity going on in your life if you feel the need to behave like this to strangers seeking advice on the internet.

Show quote history

@ForestForever I’m sorry that my comment about the OP’s friend not being welcome came across negatively and as if I was being snarky. That was not at all my intention.

I was trying to make the point that, clearly, the OP’s friend is not welcome at the OP’s house because the OP would prefer her not to be there.

And I think you know exactly what I mean because you mention in your post above that you know as well as I do that the OP’s friend has had her invitation to stay rescinded.

Original poster
FgsMary · 08/07/2024 09:28

She is still welcome to stay. The smoking isn't welcome obviously but I care very deeply for her despite everything. In the moment, I was upset that I had maybe acted too harshly/hastily and caused ructions by asking her to leave. I'm not a doormat and do have boundaries but cutting a lifelong friend out of my life isn't something I want to do. I'm using the word friend as shorthand. I understand why people saying she's not a friend to me and that she doesn't respect me. Her behaviour can be challenging for sure but that isn't her whole person. If that's enabling, so be it. She leaves in a week and I probably won't see her for another 10 years.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 08/07/2024 11:00

FgsMary · 08/07/2024 09:28

She is still welcome to stay. The smoking isn't welcome obviously but I care very deeply for her despite everything. In the moment, I was upset that I had maybe acted too harshly/hastily and caused ructions by asking her to leave. I'm not a doormat and do have boundaries but cutting a lifelong friend out of my life isn't something I want to do. I'm using the word friend as shorthand. I understand why people saying she's not a friend to me and that she doesn't respect me. Her behaviour can be challenging for sure but that isn't her whole person. If that's enabling, so be it. She leaves in a week and I probably won't see her for another 10 years.

Edited

@FgsMary just please don’t think any of it’s your fault. You have perfectly reasonable house rules which she chose to ignore. Everything that’s happened is due to her own poor choices. She could have had a comfortable place to stay but she had so little respect for you/your home she couldn’t even follow them for free board and lodging! Doesn’t sound like she will learn her lesson - again, her issue.

Kjpt140v · 08/07/2024 15:03

"She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times...."

And she's a friend. Are you really that desperate for friends? Get rid.

Amiable · 08/07/2024 16:01

I’m a smoker but always go outside, and this would piss me off too. What is she, 15?!!

You were completely in the right and she is a CF.

CookStrait · 08/07/2024 16:22

Beg her. She’ll come running, & continue to smoke in your home, & you’ll allow her to. Don’t be such a door mat OP!

ExpressCheckout · 08/07/2024 16:24

@FgsMary She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK.

Why are you friends with her?

LavenderPup · 08/07/2024 17:03

She’s have been gone the minute she lighted up in my kitchen. No one smokes in my house and not asking first if it’s okay is very rude.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/07/2024 17:06

Yanbu.
no way would I let anyone smoke anywhere in my house.
you gave her a second chance after she smoked in the kitchen and she smoked in the house again. 100% her fault.

Nanof8 · 08/07/2024 17:25

I don't think you were being unreasonable by asking her to leave. You had already asked her not to smoke in your house. You now have the task of cleaning the bedroom of the smoke smell.
I'm surprised that she even lit up in your kitchen as the majority of homes now are nonsmoking even if the people in the house are smokers.

cobden28 · 08/07/2024 17:30

I wuld make it crystal clear, if not done so already, that smoking inside the house is absolutely forbidden and will result in her being immediately kicked out !
I know this may seem somewhat extreme, but I grew up with a Mum and stepdad who were at one pint both 50+ a day smokers and teenage yours truly had to wash out the nasty stinky ash trays daily.
As an adult looking to buy a property, I have refused to have a second viewing on any property where a smoker was in residence because the paintwork was stained with nicotine and all the soft furnishings stank and would need to be replaced before I was willing to set foot in there ever again.

cannockcandy · 08/07/2024 18:16

Sorry but you're not BU at all! She broke a massive rule! I used to smoke and, even when I did, smoking was banned in my house. It's absolutely gross and smells awful, along with making all the fabric in that room stink and needing a solid wash!
She should not have disrespected you in that way! And that's what this is all about, blatant disrespect!
Bless you for feeling bad, but she clearly doesn't feel similarly. As she is making herself out to be the victim, it shows you how she feels about the situation.

seedsandseeds · 08/07/2024 18:56

OP has asked AIBU so people are answering her question. The ‘friend’ appears to get away with appalling behaviour because OP and the parents allow it. Posters are entitled to express their opinions.

@Skodacool

No. People keep asking her the same question which she's answered 10 times. I didn't say people shouldn't respond to her thread. I said she should stop repeating the answer and PP can read her posts themselves.

changeme4this · 08/07/2024 22:36

seedsandseeds · 08/07/2024 18:56

OP has asked AIBU so people are answering her question. The ‘friend’ appears to get away with appalling behaviour because OP and the parents allow it. Posters are entitled to express their opinions.

@Skodacool

No. People keep asking her the same question which she's answered 10 times. I didn't say people shouldn't respond to her thread. I said she should stop repeating the answer and PP can read her posts themselves.

Some may be asking not because they want to see the answer again, but for the poster to seriously consider for herself why the heck she got involved in the first place knowing what she did about Ms Smoker…

seedsandseeds · 09/07/2024 03:21

Some may be asking not because they want to see the answer again, but for the poster to seriously consider for herself why the heck she got involved in the first place knowing what she did about Ms Smoker…

@changeme4this

Not according to themselves. They're commenting because they're not reading thr thread. It's what posters continuously do. In this case, though, the op keeps explaining herself hence my comment TO HER

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