To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

Even the relative I really dislike (an in law) wouldn't dare smoke in our house or garden. He knows he has to walk down the road, I won't stand any nonsense.

Are you sure your friend is actually a nice person OP? Or simply someone you know who wanted free accommodation?

She's a childhood friend. We grew up together. I am very close to her family. They're like my family. She has lots of issues. There's been tears every night from her. I can't turn my back entirely.

Def not harsh

Your home . Your rules

She knew rules. She delib broke then after you said no smoking in home

She is lucky to have a floor to sleep on at another friends house

Is she smoking there

It doesnt sound like you actually like her... which is fine, don't have to be friends with everyone we were mates with at school.

You asked if she needed to come back to yours, but shes sorted out elsewhere now.

I don’t want to be an armchair psychologist but what kind of upbringing have you received that you feel guilty over something completely normal?

You have not done anything wrong, she did and she’s facing natural consequences of her own behaviour.

And all the issues are if her own making. She’s gaslighting you to think you’re the bad guy when she’s the one who’s 100% at fault.

The it does sound like it’s quite an unbalanced friendship where she acts like an entitled brat and you back down to her.

Well done for standing up to her - now stand firm and don’t let her bully you again

It's not harsh at all. You set out your rules of no smoking in the house and she went behind your back. What would have happened if her sneaky fag ended up accidentally setting fire to your curtains in the bedroom etc. Don't feel guilty for having rules in your own home

Sometimes in adult life you outgrow certain friendships. I think you OP have just experienced this. It's sad, but there it is. She's not a friend any more.

she’s behaved unacceptably and you were right to get rid.

unless she is ageing or ill, on the floor on cushions is fine. But in any case, entirely her own fault.

The OP didn't do that. Read it carefully.

I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back

I do feel incredibly guilty.

Why?

You laid down a perfectly reasonable boundary, and she repeatedly trampled all over it. That's not your fault.

Completely rude to smoke indoors unless explicitly stated that you can, I would have kicked her out for smoking in the kitchen end of

Try not to feel guilty. You asked her not to smoke in your house. She did. Then she lied about it. I wouldn't have asked her to leave - but only because I'm a complete coward who doesn't like confrontation. I would have just moaned to whoever would listen😆

Silly you for letting someone who you described as aggressive and bully stay in your home. Like what did you expect?

Not unreasonable.

Your home, your rules.

If it was a hotel she might have been asked to leave, fined and banned with no refund, so no I don't think you were harsh.

That wasn't the order of events. I told her to her face that she should find somewhere else to stay. She text me later to say she had infact been smoking inside and she was sorry. I've seen her since and we hugged and I said she could come back any time but I was told by a 3rd party that she won't come back to stay.

Actually, it’s perfectly possible, and even advisable, to decide that you’re not interested in pursuing a friendship with someone ‘aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying’.

Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

Sounds like a treasure. I wouldn’t have let her stay to begin with if she’s like this.

She sounds awful, you were right to stand up for her. But what’s all this about tears and guilt tripping? She sounds awful and you did nothing wrong. She’s a CF no matter how long she has been in your life.

It's a relative. Absolutely not smoking there. Wouldn't dare.

Why? Her house, her rules!

So she doesn't dare to smoke where she is now but dared to smoke at yours even after you told her not to. Nah she can stay where she is and you should be feel bad about it.

@FgsMary you have nothing to feel guilty about, stop inviting her back. She’ll be loving playing the victim, but you are the victim here.

She sounds like a spoilt child! Not harsh at all and completely justified to ask her to leave. You are now left with the extra work of clean the bedroom and airing it so it not longer stinks! Yuck!
I wouldn't have asked her back though.