To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

She basically.said 'fuck you, I will do want I want in your house, I have no respect for you at all'. The mistake you made was letting her stay at all.

I am an ex smoker and i totally agree with you telling her to leave. She broke your house rules twice so time to go.

I'm an occasional smoker but don't smoke in my own house, let alone someone else's. Most smokers these days are like that-its a throwback to the smoking ban. We've adjusted to smoking outside so much that doing it inside seems alien. Of course she was wrong.

I know, I know. For the sake of peace sometimes though....She was being a reasonably OK houseguest apart from that. Clean and tidy etc. Using my toothpaste and toiletries mind but OK, whatever. I'd have felt petty if I'd said something. She's known for being a bit of a freeloader. She did buy bits of food!

I'd have asked her to leave too. Don't have her back. Childhood friend or not she seems like an entitled PITA

I'm a smoker, I've never smoked in my house. I took weeks of decorating when I first moved in to get rid of all the yellow on the walls, door frames, ceilings and skirting boards because the previous tenants smoked in it. You are definitely not being unreasonable with expecting guests to respect your rules.

If this is your idea of a friend OP then there are bigger issues to address.
She isn't your friend, she disrespected you and your home for a start. Your description of her is telling as well. You are well rid.

She won't reflect. Everyone has tried over the years talking to her. She plays the victim and says its everyone else.

A friend has been staying.
She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times.

Why is she your friend? She doesn't sound like a nice person to be around. Maybe concentrate on that question rather than doubting yourself over your house/smoking boundaries.

Yanbu. She's bang out of order. Do not let her stay again.

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house.

I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times.

Seriously @FgsMary why are you friends with this person?

She sounds awful!

You did no wrong chucking her out, and she is a cheeky entitled mare! You're well rid. Now ghost her!

She's got a hold over you. Sounds like the type of person who is constantly creating drama and then whining about being a victim of it. She was rude and disrespectful and I bet the type of person who takes a mile when given an inch. You shouldn't have said she could come back on this visit. Have boundaries and stick to them. Don't feel bad about it and be a little less available for her whining.

She would been out the first time I caught her smoking in my kitchen. She’s a terrible house guest and given everything else you say about her, I wouldn’t want someone like that as a friend.

All the more reason to have strong boundaries. If a person isn't going to behave reasonably and respectfully of their own accord, and you want them in your life, the only thing you can do is be very clear what you will tolerate and show them the consequences for overstepping.

I dont smoke and don’t worry too much about it.

I try to be tolerant with my guests and designate a place for them to smoke.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite given that alcohol is the most dangerous and destructive drug around and like most people I do enjoy a few drinks 🤷‍♀️

Fuck that. Im a smoker. I don’t want smoke in my house. She sounds like a dick.

No, she wasn't. She broke the rules twice. Once would have been enough for many people.

House guests shouldn't just be ok, however she wasn't if she was using your toiletries. You've over accepted her bad behaviour and have been worn down by her and her emotional manipulation. You are entitled to have boundaries and rules in your own home. It's worse because she couldn't smoke inside anywhere else, but thinks you don't matter.

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

Why exactly are you friends with this person?

Having a few drinks and not tolerating smoking is hardly hypocrisy. My glass of wine does not harm my guests. Cigarette smoke would.

Why on earth do you want her to come back?!

I doubt she's sleeping on a floor, tell her to cut out the fbags and pay for a hostel bed. She sounds awful, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I wouldn't have asked her to leave, but would have been very annoyed with her. But totally understand how you felt and reacted.

YANBU I hate smoking inside. The nicotine smell clings to everything. My ex's mate's used to walk in with a fag in their hand. This was late 90's-early 00's before the smoking ban. Even though they knew we had young children. One who's DS is about 9 months older than mine even told me he doesn't believe it affects them. About a year later his son had to have grommets put in for glue ear and they were told not to smoke around him.

I don’t understand why the sort of person you describe in such terms can really be a friend, rather than someone you just happen to know.