To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

Not harsh. We don't allow anyone to smoke or vape in our house, or garden for that matter.

If someone repeatedly ignored that they'd not be welcome to stay.

I’m laughing hysterically at this. I would have packed her stuff and sent her on her way the first time she smoked in my house.

She gets chucked out after a couple of days for having a fag out of the window?

I brought the Country to it's knees and lasted 42 days!!!

Who's the lettuce now?

I know. She has form (lots of it) for bad behaviour but this was an important once in a lifetime trip for her and her family and friends/family step up to help in situations like this. We were all acutely aware that it could go wrong. I just feel so wretched and should have just buttoned my lip for 3 weeks.

So it’s ok to trample over your boundaries but not her new hosts?

Don’t feel guilty.
I’d say 99% of people have a no smoking in the house rule. She knew your house rules, she chose to disrespect them and you.
Smoking out of a bedroom window could easily have moved to smoking in bed and next thing you know there’s a house fire.

" She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times " so why do you even want her for a friend?

It sounds like you feel a lot of obligation and responsibility here. I think it’s a good thing that she’s sleeping elsewhere and I would recommend in future you don’t invite her to stay at your house again because by the sounds of it she doesn’t respect your boundaries and “is bullying at the best of times”.

This doesn’t mean that you have to cut her out of your life; just don’t have her staying at your house.

She is not your friend.
Distance yourself, and do not be taken in by her - this is not your problem

If she'd admitted it when you asked I'd have given her another chance. She didn't. She lied to your face

well if she can control herself at her reli's then why not with you?

You had a boundary, communicated it and stuck to it. I think that's fine. You can be compassionate towards her without feeling guilty.

'aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times'

Sounds like she's got you exactly where she wants you. I'd be reconsidering the friendship - sounds as if you're in thrall to her rather than her friend.

And she's sleeping on a relative's floor because she couldn't follow a very simple, normal and easily adhered to request from a friend who was kind enough to offer her accommodation for several weeks.

Some friend

It's your home and you told her no smoking there. It's extremely disrespectful of her to carry on after you asked her not to. You weren't harsh or in the wrong at all. Stand your ground on this one. I'm asthmatic and can't stand the smell of smoke so this would have wound me up massively. You dealt with it extremely reasonably!

@FgsMary I am a smoker but smoking in the bedroom is horrible!! the bedding stinks and the curtains stink!! I would never smoke in any one else's house. always go outside!! I dont smoke in any other part of the house except kitchen with windows wide open and no soft furnishings.

Stop feeling awful. You need to have a think about your boundaries and your self respect. She was totally out of order!! No way should you have back tracked and invited her back.

OP, 40 years ago most smokers expected to be able to smoke in non-smokers’ houses - but that expectation has long gone. No one has smoked in my house and I’ve been in it for 30 years. I know a few smokers and not one of them smokes in their own house let alone anyone else’s. Your rule is get much the norm. Her behaviour is not.

Very much not get much !!

She lives abroad, so we only see each other every few years. Everyone has been dreading her coming over because you have to walk on eggshells around her otherwise there's fireworks. I knew it would be tricky having her to stay but I was determined to just button my lip. I managed it aswell for a week but then drew the line at the smoking. She doesn't have an easy life for many different reasons and I care for her.

She seems to have very few redeeming features anyway OP so goodness knows why she's a friend or why she was staying. If she thinks herself hard done to she may need to reflect on her general behaviour as if she'd been lovely in other ways you may well have been less 'harsh'.

Yet she can stop smoking in her relatives house? Of course you shouldn't have buttoned your lip. It's easy to go outside to smoke. She has caused this, not you. You don't take the piss out of an old friend who has given you free accommodation.

Yanbu. She disrespected you and your home. She also lied to you.
I am a former smoker. I used to smoke jn the house 30 years ago and looking back now I realise how much it must have stank.
My last few years of smoking were out in the garden. Neighbours used to complain though 😅

She doesn't sound like a friend you need in your life

Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

You know you don't have to be friends with her and don't need her to like you?

If she was a nice person and worth being friends with I would be asking whether you told her before she arrived that you don't allow smoking in the house. It's not like nicotine addicts can just stop needing a hit by willpower. But this isn't worth agonising over.

It really sounds like you’re blaming yourself for this.

It sounds like you and others are expecting a huge amount from you - 3 weeks is an enormously long time to button your lip. Are you the person in your family who is expected to do what others need (and neglect your own needs)?

You need to look after yourself; putting boundaries in does not make you a bad person.

She might well have a series of problems that are not her fault so I understand why you worry about her - but her behaviour suggests that she needs to look hard at how she treats other people. If she behaved properly she might find her life might be easier in some respects, if not in all.