To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

You were so not rude!! she was the one that was rude. smoking is a disgusting habit. it makes people stink and that odour hangs around them long after they have finished. I wouldn't allow any one to smoke in my house or gardens. and I am the same with vapes disgusting. you were so right and I wouldn't feel one bit guilty your friend should be and be grovelling to you.

Is she really a friend, or just someone you are lumbered with?

Nope, completely with you OP. Mumsnetters give out to posters about not having strong boundaries yet when posters do, Mumsnetters still give out.
You told no smoking in the house she ignored you. Fair play forvstanding up to her. Ignoring her whining.

She showed absolutely no respect. I'd have shown her the door too.
Given everybody else walks on egg shells too, I don't see why you're doubting yourself.

100% this.

Hard agree with this.

The real question here is why you think of someone as a friend who is "a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times"

She's dreadful. I'd rather no friends at all than this woman.

To everyone commenting on why I'm friends with her....She's not a friend friend. I don't see her, she lives abroad. I've never visited her. I don't like her lifestyle or country she lives in. We occasionally talk on the phone and she can be very supportive and lovely. She's not someone I'd hang out with (and vice versa) but she is like family and her parents are very important to me. It was a favour to her and her family that really meant something to everyone. We all thought she might have mellowed with age but she's worse than ever really. It has all caused a lot of upset all round. Yes, it's her behaviour that's the cause of it all (not just the smoking) and she's upset everyone but I feel dreadful that I've made it all worse. She feels adrift in life and not welcomed anywhere and I don't want anyone to feel like that. She's most certainly not a dreadful person. Just a challenging complex one.

Exactly. If I drink I don't leave your hair and clothes stinking of alcohol and I don't damage your lungs.

YANBU. I know relationships can be complicated, but she doesn't sound like the type of house guest you'd want or be able to tolerate.

I have no idea why the metaphorical wailing and gnashing of teeth.

She's not very nice, and completely disregarded your very reasonable request to not smoke inside.

So what if she's uncomfortable? She literally made her bed.

I think it all depends on context. Drink clouds judgement and causes people to make decisions that ultimately they wouldn't if they were sober. It gives people a sense of invincibility which in certain situations can be fatal to others, to suggest drinking only affects the drinker is rather foolish.

I always find posts like this a bit strange where people list all the things wrong with someone “She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times” ok she’s sounds awful, why would you want anything to do with her??? She’s disrespected you, you’ve got rid of her and now you feel bad about this??? 🤷‍♀️

You're not a rehab facility. You can't fix her. Save your energies and your kindness for yourself, you deserve to be nice to yourself.

Maybe she'll finally learn something from this episode.

Jesus Christ. OP kindly lets piss-taking woman stay in the house, sets a boundary which piss-taking woman duly ignores, and you think she was harsh?

She sounds a terrible friend you asked her not to smoke in your house she smoked in your house. She can moan and groan all she likes she still smoked In your house.

YANBU in every respect, except for asking her to come back after she'd been so disrespectful towards you.

The way you describe her isn’t very complimentary. Do you actually like her? What do you get out of the friendship?

(YANBU, btw)

You haven’t had my mother staying with you, have you?

She is exactly like this. It’s so upsetting. Not just your house, your rules, it’s a health hazard and the smell permeates the house when it blows back in.

I had a screaming row with DM when she did this when I was 8 months pregnant. I’m not usually a screamer but hormones and late pregnancy…

I smoke (a lot less than I used too thankfully) but I do not feel YABU at all here
Its YOUR house, you do not want somebody smoking in it and she should have respected that.
DM has a no smoking indoors rule (Vapes are acceptable) and that is fine, I step out into the garden if I have one.
You are not at fault here OP

YANBU

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

I'm just not sure I'd invite someone that has those characteristics to stay at my house, but it's done.

I don't feel you were to harsh, it was pretty rude of them to smoke in your house even before you'd ask them not to so once asked I feel it's a kind of fu@k you I'll do as I please attitude in return from them.

These type of people only get away with their behaviour due to not being stood up to, they had a choice once you'd asked them to stop and that choice was to ignore your request to effectively stink you're house out and continue to smoke.

It's caused all kinds of issues

It didn't cause any issues your friend caused the issues.

Hopefully if you invite them again they'll have some respect for your feelings.

Friend?

Totally with you op. That’s so rude and disrespectful to smoke in your home. I don’t think you did anything wrong. She needs to apologise

No way were you too harsh. Even if it’s friendship over, is it really a loss?! She sounds awful.

I think your friend's on Mumsnet, Op.