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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

382 replies

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2024 03:28

I would have kicked her out after the first incident in the kitchen.

pasturesgreen · 09/07/2024 06:35

OP, I know you've explained, but the fact you willingly welcomed into your home a person who's well known to be "very tricky, very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times" truly beggars belief.

Doesn't matter if she's a childhood 'friend', it doesn't sound as though she's adding anything to your life. The fact you say she's still welcome at your house, and you "feel so wretched and should have just buttoned my lip for 3 weeks" speaks of an incredibly unhealthy dynamic between the two of you. You're better off without people like that in your life, she's no friend really, and it's actually rather sad that you consider a bullying, selfish, aggressive individual a good enough friend of yours to put up at your home for 3 weeks.

allaboardtheplaybus · 09/07/2024 08:47

Tbh I wouldn't have had someone like you've described as a guest anyway. And no, definitely not being unreasonable to ask her to leave.

sassafrassj · 10/07/2024 07:49

Absolutely approporiate to ask her to leave. She prioritised smoking over your relationship. You were clear about your expectations that she not smoke. She violated those and didn’t it sneakily. Smoke in your furnishings is not easily reversible so it’s not just a little thing. I’m sorry you felt you needed to reverse yourself.

Zucker · 10/07/2024 14:32

FgsMary · 07/07/2024 20:01

I've explained in every post. I grew up with her. She's a lifelong friend. Her and her family mean something to me. She has issues of her own and can be lovely and kind. I hoped things would be different and that she'd mellowed with age. I thought I could keep my cool for 3 weeks.

You're being far too harsh on yourself here. Flip your reasoning on it's head and ask yourself why couldn't she, (a grown woman), control her behaviour for only 3 weeks? She's the one doing this to herself, you've done nothing unreasonable.

Mammma91 · 10/07/2024 14:36

You asked once, she did it again and you told her to leave. I think you done the right thing.

StarvingMarvin222 · 10/07/2024 15:01

FgsMary · 08/07/2024 09:28

She is still welcome to stay. The smoking isn't welcome obviously but I care very deeply for her despite everything. In the moment, I was upset that I had maybe acted too harshly/hastily and caused ructions by asking her to leave. I'm not a doormat and do have boundaries but cutting a lifelong friend out of my life isn't something I want to do. I'm using the word friend as shorthand. I understand why people saying she's not a friend to me and that she doesn't respect me. Her behaviour can be challenging for sure but that isn't her whole person. If that's enabling, so be it. She leaves in a week and I probably won't see her for another 10 years.

Edited

Why do you care for someone that doesn't give a shit about you.
Shell never change as you well know.
When she goes back home just leave her there,don't give her a 2nd thought.
Her parents know what she's like,they helped shape her.

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