To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

That doesn't explain why you accept bad behaviour and attitude?

Grace very obviously had major issues with alcohol. Personally, I won't be reading anymore of her lectures.

YOU haven't made it worse. SHE has

And with everyone pandering and walking on eggshells why would she change?

Do you make yourself the scapegoat in other situations?

With respect OP, I don't understand why you are feeling so guilty, responsible and taking so much of the blame on yourself.

Her parents paid for her to fly out to visit her friend for a weekend during a 3 week visit. So it is down to them that she flew off. They were probably relieved to have her out of the house for 3 days during this 3 week stint and considered it money well spent if it allowed both sides a breathing space. Its a long time and she's a difficult person. They've had plenty of time with her already and will see her again next week.

Yet You are wringing your hands saying time lost can never be got back. Its the quality of the time spent, not the quantity that matters. And less is certainly more in this case if she has behaviour problems. An afternoon or two of good time together is probably preferable to both sides than having a 3 week in yer face every day conflict filled egg shell walking fiesta.

Come on. You did your bit. She didn't co-operate and moved to her parents. Its really not a big deal in the scheme of things that she went to friends for the weekend during her 3 weeks. In the circumstances it seems entirely sensible AND ITS NOT DOWN TO YOU or your fault that she did.

So stop beating yourself up. One more week and she will be back home again and you won't have to worry about it.

I think tho that you could do with a bit more support/help/talk about your reaction to this which sounds like it may stem from difficult events in your past. Its exhausting for you to go around carrying guilt and angst on all sorts of things and thinking that its your fault/responsibility when it really really isn't. If anything comes out of this visit, it should be you addressing this and getting some support with dealing with these feelings. x

That's on her. All she had to do was take her fags outside. How difficult can it be?

Blimey OP you must have a really difficult life if you blame yourself for everything like this.

Aside from her smoking in your home, you've stated that her own parents don't want her to stay with them. I can feel some empathy for someone who is not welcomed to stay in the home her parents have.
The talk about it probably being the last time she'll see them during a visit is a smidge morose and if she isn't bothered by it, you shouldn't be either. Not everyone has to behave in the same way towards their parents or relatives.

The only strange thing is, if her parents could cough up and pay for very expensive last minute flights, why didn't they arrange for her to stay somewhere (in a hotel, B & B or even an AirBnB) and pay for that instead? Why did she have to stay with a friend (you) during her stay?

I cannot bear smoking. Anyone who smoked in my house would get one warning. She got her warning and did it again.

You were right, OP.

How dare she. So disrespectful. She got off lightly, I would have hit the roof. Better off without 'friends ' like her.

YANBU - Your home your rules. Would you be worrying l8ke this if she had been taking drugs 🤔
No? Well don't give it a second thought. She was the one being unreasonable. She's found somewhere else to stay quick enough. If she wants to sleep on the floor, rather than buying a blow up camp bed, that's her perogative. Doesn't sound like a very nice 'friend' anyway by what you say of her and the way she has treated your home and 'playing the victim' since leaving. Good riddance and well done for standing upto her!

Don't feel guilty. She's in the wrong, rude cow. You did the only thing you could.

Honestly, smoking is vile. Who does it inside someone's home, sneakily, despite being asked not to? Rude & entitled.

I would read you message back to yourself and decide if this "friend" who is agressive, confrontational and awkward and clearly lacks respect for you is a.friemd at all?

It's on her, not you op. You asked her not to and she ignored you, so you did right in asking her to leave.
Don't let her pull the pity party stunt on you.
I would do exactly the same as I don't allow smoking in my home.
The only person I did allow to was my father in law, who smoked a pipe because he was old and not too steady on his feet, so he would go into the conservatory with the door open and sit down beside it for a puffathon as we called it.
Anyone else would be given a hard no.
Don't feel guilty.

You are not being unreasonable. She can't be any kind of friend if she disrespects you like that. I'd say she sounds like a bully. Well done for dumping her.

I lent my sister my car on the proviso she didn't smoke in it. She smoked in it. She told me she smoked but had the window open. She's never got her backside in it since. Cheeky cow.

If she can afford cigarettes she could afford a Travelodge

When she was 16 my step daughter was categorically told no smoking in my flat when she stayed with us. Even when I smoked I smoked outside as my husband didn’t smoke and had had secondary lung cancer (resulting from a completely different type). She did and lied about it even though I could smell it and found three cigarette ends in the kitchen bin and a little glass pot I used for dipping sauces with more in. She was told to hand over her cigarettes if she wasn’t going to abide by my one rule when she stayed with us she and she wouldn’t. She was then asked to leave. So no YANBU

You're not wrong to ask this person to leave, OP, she defied a really clear and reasonable instruction. Even if you'd never said 'Don't smoke indoors', imagine being in a non-smoker's house and thinking it would be acceptable to smoke inside?

Even smokers who don't smoke in their homes... they go outside to smoke, the fug comes back in with them, they stink of smoke and so do their homes. One of my friends always asked me whether her house smelled of smoke, she was so proud that she didn't smoke indoors. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

Cigarette smoke stinks. The only worse thing is weed.

I do have sympathy, I'm an ex-smoker myself but have never regretted or craved a cigarette since. It's a terrible thing to be dependent on cigarettes because they're just not acceptable for most people now and the smoker is fixated on their next fag.

I don't know what the poster likening it to alcohol was talking about, it's not comparable at all.

Just say, OK- I was just checking in on you.

A bit harsh but as she isn't very nice I wouldn't be too upset

@FanSaBhaile think you're right there! Perhaps it's taking affect during her posting.

Why on earth would you ask someone to come back to your home who is, in your words ‘very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying’?! A friend doesn’t break your house rule about smoking and then lie about it. She isn’t your friend.

Not unreasonable, and I say that as a smoker. I wouldn't smoke in someone's house unless they were also lighting up; and even then I wouldn't smoke in a bedroom. I smoke outside at home, unless it's raining, in which case I smoke in a specific area by the back door.

I absolutely cannot stand smoking probably because I grew up in a house where my parents smoked. Every time I get a faint whiff I do the arm waving and look around to give a look to the smoker. It hurts my eyes, throat, and the smell is awful. My mum now vapes and she is one of those sneaky vapers having a puff here and there when no one’s watching. In shops, etc. In my home, where I’ve previously asked her not to.

You did the right thing asking your friend to leave. Don’t let her make you feel guilty.

I’m an ex-smoker and have been vaping for the last 10.5 yrs since I gave up smoking.

When I visit my non smoking/non vaping friends, I NEVER vape in their homes (let alone spark up a cigarette when I was a smoker!). I go without until I leave. And if I was that desperate I’d ask if I could go to the garden. Hell, I take my shoes off when going to someone’s home without even being asked!
Even if I go out for a meal with a friend, I won’t go outside to vape and leave them at the table on their own. I’ll just wait until I’m back in my car.

If someone has a boundary in THEIR home, you respect it. If you think it would be too hard for you to do that, then stay somewhere else.

She crossed a boundary and was disrespectful to you and your home.

Your home, your rules.

You were right she sounds like a not very nice person , & selfish
too many fires have been started with idiots smoking in bedrooms!