To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

I feel desperately sorry for her parents. They are the loveliest people. I've known them my whole life. They are so upset about the whole sorry experience. If I hadn't chucked her out though, she'd still be here and wouldn't have bolted out of the country. Yes, it's the consequence of her own actions but she's not here for long, her parents aren't young and this is probably one of the last times they'll see her. She's coming back on Monday for her final week but time is the one thing you can't get back.

Sure you can. She's absolutely fucking awful. You don't keep people like this in your life.

I've already explained why several times. We are very different people. She lives an alternative lifestyle, has dropped out of mainstream society, has views that are offbeat but that's OK. There's room in the world for all of us. She's more akin to family than just a friend. If there weren't strong links, we wouldn't see each other at all or even speak. We don't hate each other but she's not easy to like. Her own parents don't find it easy to like her at times.

I bet the friend she's gone to stay with is a smoker!

Did she not say/text those words to you?

Well that’s up to her though.

Excellent. She's gonna have a great time, she's said so herself. Full acceptance from other friend so happy days.
Of course, it's another slosh of manipulation, but ignore the subtext. She's a deeply unpleasant and manipulative character, but she's somewhere else now so hey ho.

Now. What are you going to do to treat yourself well today? Bath and pamper? Catch up with pal over coffee? Trip out to a fav place? Ffs, DO something and stop ruminating on this terrible behaviour. She's gone. Do something fun.

Iv had more experience with these types of people than I can ever express. My post comes from years and years of experience in trying to deal with this without cutting particular people out (why is not for this thread)

She already is behaving in a victim mentality. No you are right they don’t do the work but they do learn to only push as far as they think they can get away with but not so far as they lose out. Op can’t control friends behaviour only her response to it which hopefully (not always) means friend decides to adapt so they don’t end up in the losing position.
These people (not all obviously) do have control when they feel it’s a benefit to them (in this example not getting kicked out and having to sleep on a floor so next time they probably won’t smoke indoors) but they choose not to when they think they will get away with it without consequences

but next time she probably won’t smoke in the house because she knows she can’t get away with it without a consequence she can’t wriggle out of (just like at her parents)

that works with all the behaviour's from friend. if op is a brick wall with her limits eventually the outcome will be that this friend will only do as much as they can get away with (they won’t be happy about it)or they will push so hard it destroys the friendship because they put the op in a position where they are given no choice but to end it.

either way the op can’t control how friend behaves only how much she is willing to put up with.

No, she told her mum who then told me.

Ah, you’re one of those.

Will complain but do absolutely nothing to actually deal with the root issue.

You've said that all her relatives know what she's like and expect her to behave badly.

She went to her parents and had to sleep on cushions Boo Double Hoo, that's hardly depravation.

Why are you feeling guilty?
Her parents are dealing with her. You tried to help but she couldn't accept the conditions of her stay, and then had to go to her parents.
This is NOT on you.
Her behaviour is what she's always like, it is NOT your responsibility. In fact I bet everyone was expecting something like this.

She's having a "Look at me.. poor victim" flounce and it's working on all of you.

Yes time is precious but she has managed to see them all for a while, even if not the full three weeks. And it is not your fault that SHE CHOSE to stay with a friend for part of those three weeks. Perhaps a full 3 weeks was too ambitious all round and her current absence means that there will be less confrontation.

Why do you feel guilt when you are not her relative and you have absolutely no control over what this "very tricky person... Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times" adult person chooses to do?

Don't expect an apology, you won't get one. You offered your help. She took it and then you had to ask her to leave. That's on her. You've made it clear she could come back but she would rather have a little strop.
Take a giant step back. None of this is your problem. You did what you could. Let her do what she feels she has to do and let her family deal with her. She got to see everyone in the end which was the main object. Its not on you if she can't deal with people for 3 weeks.

I don’t think @Janedoe82 is coming back to explain herself, @LovePoppy. Too many people have told her she is wrong.

I think asking her to actually leave was further than I would have gone.

I would have been annoyed but wouldn’t have actually bucked her out. Maybe if she did it again but not first time I told her not to smoke in the bedroom and she did apologise.

Doesn’t sound much of a friend. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.

But she ‘fled’ (ie went off in a strop!) to punish you and her family. She’ll be pleased you’re sitting at home blaming yourself. She’ll be getting a thrill from your upset and that of her parents. She’s not complex. She’s spoilt, self-centred and bullying.

What she’s hoping is that when she returns you and her parents will be all over her, apologising profusely for your non-existent crimes. She’ll be hoping to teach you a lesson.

I agree she's "fled" because she didn't get her own way so she's in her huff smoking her fags and complaining how life is unfair, she left her parents house she caused this, if her elderly parents suffer that's on her.

Any chance she'd pre arranged the stay but 'forgot to tell anyone beforehand of her plans?

Incredibly short notice from your DF to whoever she's gone to stay with if it was a knee jerk decision/born out of her having a strop.

This.

I smoke but never in my house. And smoking in someone else's home would never even cross my mind!

Nope, definitely not in any way pre-arranged. Flights cost a fortune because they were so last minute.

FGS don't say she can come back! Why would you say that?

I really feel for her parents. It doesn't sound as though she'd be there for them if they need help in the future. It sounds as though you and they have a lovely relationship and that you're very kind to them all.

good on you
she took the piss
i wouldn't even tolerate it in the garden
its a personal choice anyway but its also written in the tenancy
no smoking in the house, garden or 6ft from the front door

as it was a non issue i had no problem with those rules
but they do allow pets

luckily i know no one who smokes or vapes or has family that does

side note its also a alcohol free house

You may have just wanted the three weeks to pass peacefully, OP, but she evidently (and, may I say, predictably, based on her previous behaviour) DIDN'T want that. You need to understand that you are not in control of this situation. You didn't cause it. This is so like AlAnon. Accept that you can't change her. This is who she is. It would have always blown up like this. Why did you think you could prevent that from happening? The only way to minimise abusive behaviour is to leave its orbit.

I didn't necessarily think I could prevent it but I was determined to turn a blind eye to her behaviour for the sake of her parents and other family who are here too (as well as for her and myself....not wanting drama).

tell her she needs to reimburse you for the cost of getting all the soft furnishings laundered and the carpets cleaned.