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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

382 replies

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

OP posts:
Whithersoever · 06/07/2024 21:49

BMW6 · 06/07/2024 09:48

I'm a smoker (well vapes) - YANBU as you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want any smoking in the house!

She is a rude fucker and she owes you massive apologies, but I still wouldn't let her stay again

Apart from the smoking issue she sounds bloody AWFUL

This.

What on earth? She sounds dreadful. Look at your boundaries - you are too nice.

seedsandseeds · 06/07/2024 21:54

You did nothing wrong.

I'd have kicked her out from the moment she smoked in the kitchen in fact.

Disgusting.

Maray1967 · 06/07/2024 23:16

graceinspace999 · 06/07/2024 10:37

Alcohol is destructive in so many ways - too many to list here but a few googled moments will show you.

A bit of smoke blowing in on the wind through an open window or door is hardly going to do much harm unless the person has serious medical problems.

Speaking as someone whose mother died of secondary lung cancer having never smoked but having spent hours in smoke filled staff rooms I beg to differ. Smoking is disgusting and antisocial. It harms people simply by happening. Alcohol harms people when it is misused. There is no good use of cigarettes.

I turned away a carpet fitter who sat in his van smoking before starting the job - to fit a carpet in my baby’s nursery. As soon as he stood in my porch he absolutely stank of smoke. No way was I having that in my house.

OonaStubbs · 06/07/2024 23:23

Why was she your friend in the first place?

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 07/07/2024 02:57

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 20:41

I didn't necessarily think I could prevent it but I was determined to turn a blind eye to her behaviour for the sake of her parents and other family who are here too (as well as for her and myself....not wanting drama).

Stop making excuses. She’s a grown woman. You don’t need to pacify her parents - they are no longer responsible for her behaviour.

This woman is cheap scum. Tell her to bugger off.

BoxOfCats · 07/07/2024 03:02

VotesAndGoats · 06/07/2024 09:49

Interested to hear replies. My brother and my mum are like this.

I will repeatedly say close the balcony door if you smoke. They just can't do it. Every time they stand with it open and it blows back in. I just can't understand why a simple instruction cannot be followed. And why I have to repeat it. And when I do why its met with rolling eyes. Its my house. I try saying it in different ways, would you mind, don't forget etc. And I'm met with 'oh are you still doing that are you' with a negative tone. I should add too, I have a respiratory condition. I don't invite them over often.

They're not forgetting to, they just care about their own feelings more than yours.

Emily1583 · 07/07/2024 03:06

No, you laid down the house rules and she broke the rules. Your house your rules and she ignored it. Her fault.

PoopingAllTheWay · 07/07/2024 03:13

Hell no!

I would find it so rude and would be fuming

wombat1a · 07/07/2024 03:21

100% reasonable,

NeedToAskPlease · 07/07/2024 04:33

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:59

It's a relative. Absolutely not smoking there. Wouldn't dare.

So it's just you and your home that she doesn't have respect for then? She doesn't give a shit about you.

TeaGinandFags · 07/07/2024 04:44

No way is anyone that entitled sleeping on a floor. Especially a relative's.

Dump her. She sounds awful.

Tarquina · 07/07/2024 05:51

Halfheadhighlights · 06/07/2024 09:50

Why are you friends with this Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying person?

You were right to have her leave

This.

Yupthatsit · 07/07/2024 07:10

If her last minute flights cost a fortune then she can afford hotels/airb&bs/hostels and doesn't need to be a martyr sleeping on a floor.
You did the right thing. She sounds awful.

FgsMary · 07/07/2024 07:54

Yupthatsit · 07/07/2024 07:10

If her last minute flights cost a fortune then she can afford hotels/airb&bs/hostels and doesn't need to be a martyr sleeping on a floor.
You did the right thing. She sounds awful.

Parents paid.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 07/07/2024 08:01

I would just block and move on. What she did was so in violation of your boundaries and you were right to kick her out. It sounds like she is a master manipulator of emotions. It's not your problem and you can't fix her. Noone would blame you for saying you've had enough. Imagine what a relief it would be not to have to worry about her reaction any more.

Yupthatsit · 07/07/2024 08:02

FgsMary · 07/07/2024 07:54

Parents paid.

Sounds like even they didn't want her to stay. I wonder why.

Aspierational · 07/07/2024 08:04

YANBU! She sounds like a nightmare and people like that will never respond well to boundaries.

Mrsjayy · 07/07/2024 08:04

FgsMary · 07/07/2024 07:54

Parents paid.

Is she your sister you sound quite invested and upset for it just to be a family friend.

FgsMary · 07/07/2024 08:43

Mrsjayy · 07/07/2024 08:04

Is she your sister you sound quite invested and upset for it just to be a family friend.

Nope.

OP posts:
FgsMary · 07/07/2024 08:43

Yupthatsit · 07/07/2024 08:02

Sounds like even they didn't want her to stay. I wonder why.

They don't.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 07/07/2024 08:45

Sounds like you have strong boundaries, well done and good for you.

graceinspace999 · 07/07/2024 09:44

Maray1967 · 06/07/2024 23:16

Speaking as someone whose mother died of secondary lung cancer having never smoked but having spent hours in smoke filled staff rooms I beg to differ. Smoking is disgusting and antisocial. It harms people simply by happening. Alcohol harms people when it is misused. There is no good use of cigarettes.

I turned away a carpet fitter who sat in his van smoking before starting the job - to fit a carpet in my baby’s nursery. As soon as he stood in my porch he absolutely stank of smoke. No way was I having that in my house.

Alcohol harms people just by existing. Many people have been harmed by alcohol, including all children of drinkers.

We are all brainwashed by the alcohol industry. Very few people stop at one glass on nice wine.

People drink in front of their kids. Now people even drink at kids parties and communions!

If alcohol came up today it would be banned immediately.

I don’t smoke but some one having a quick fag out through a window is not as lethal as alcohol.

We are all deluded and in denial about alcohol because we like it.

By the way I find the smell of wine nauseating. I will tolerate it if visitors want to drink and I will tolerate people smoking at an open door.

I don’t like hypocrisy - enjoy your wine.

seedsandseeds · 07/07/2024 11:11

@graceinspace999 If someone is having a sip of wine whilst sat at a table, does that negatively affect the health of a person sat on another table next to theirs?

Nanny0gg · 07/07/2024 11:19

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:52

I do feel incredibly guilty. I've known her my whole life. It's caused all kinds of issues and I feel awful that she's now sleeping on the floor on cushions, even though her actions caused all this.

She doesn't even sound like a friend at all.

Why are you bothered?

Noshowlomo · 07/07/2024 11:19

None of this is on your. Her behaviour has consequences

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