To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

[FgsMary]

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

I'm trying to imagine lighting up in someone's house after they've expressly asked me not to. It's outrageously rude and disrespectful. She deserved everything she got and I would shut down anyone who tried to pass on any of her whinging about it.

Problem solved then if she's got herself sorted. Don't feel guilty in the least. All those adjectives about being a controlling and aggressive person.... why would you want someone like that around you???well shot of them

I'm a smoker and don't even smoke in my own house let alone anyone else's... and I'd certainly never smoke in a bedroom. 🤢

So now you feel like shite through no fault of your own… why should you feel you should have buttoned your lip?

The woman is clearly disrepectful and careless with other people’s feelings. Has no regard for any of you.

Unless you are some sort of trained professional who can deal with mental health issues or simply bad behaviour, this isn’t on you to put up with.

sounds like she needs people to pick her up on her bad behaviour and stop pandering to her. Her parents should never have asked you to allow their daughter to stay at yours and they should have managed her time of stay better. Why do they have a house full of guests exactly when she is due to arrive? Surely the houseguests would have left knowing the daughter was due to arrive to make space for her?

anyhow all of this isn’t for you to deal with, esp as she isn’t a friend. Move on, you went over and above.

YANBU asking her to leave but I don’t understand why you agreed to let her stay in the first place, or even why you’re friends with her at all if she’s “Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying.” I would eject her from my life, never mind my house!

YANBU, in our house it's no-smoking 100%, not under the hob, not out of the window, not anywhere. I will happily bring you a blanket and an ashtray if you want to smoke in the garden. I've had similar issues with the (ex)fiancee of a friend, she smoked in my kitchen over the food I painstakingly prepared! And later she smoked in the presence of 3 babies ánd a person with asthma. She claimed it was cold outside, so I replied I didn't force her to smoke...... I never regretted throwing her out.

I've explained in every post. I grew up with her. She's a lifelong friend. Her and her family mean something to me. She has issues of her own and can be lovely and kind. I hoped things would be different and that she'd mellowed with age. I thought I could keep my cool for 3 weeks.

OP don't keep explaining and repeating yourself to these posters. They can read the thread.
You're being too accomodating with these posters. You don't need to justify, be that with randoms on the Internet or family friends.

This ^
Totally out of order to smoke in your kitchen and when you said no smoking in the house she smoked in the bedroom when she could have gone into the garden.
You are well rid. A true friend would never treat you with such a lack of respect.

Why are you so desperate to be a part of this family ? You can maintain a relationship with her parents which does not have to include her.

This desperation to be a part of this family is strange ... is there something that keeps you bonded to them even though it is not healthy?

It's like you are trauma bonded to them ... in order to have a connection with her parents you have to maintain a toxic relationship with her !

Tricky one .....people should respect your wishes in your house but if she was smoking out of the window she probably thought that didn't count (as an ex smoker myself, I remember the mindset!) maybe a final warning might have kept life simpler but she does sound a bit a of problem ....you certainly shouldn't be feeling guilty though.....

But you didn’t mention that in your OP, so that was the information I based my response on. The lifelong friend thing obviously puts a different spin on things and makes this a very tricky situation for you as you’re obviously a caring person. However, her issues/trauma don’t give her the right to take it out on you when it sounds like you have supported her a lot and been a good friend.

I understand your position. You are a very good friend. She doesn't deserve you.

This very important fact that she’s a lifelong friend with issues wasn’t mentioned in the original post, only in reply to people’s responses, and I hadn’t read all of those. I didn’t realise I had to read the entire thread, and everyone else’s opinions, before responding!

I smoke. I wouldn’t dream of smoking in a non smoking house, or anywhere I have been explicitly asked not to.
Your 'friend ' is a CF and should remain out of your home. Don't feel bad or guilt tripped.
Your house your rules 🌻

YANBU I’m intrigued though, given your description of her, how is she “a friend”?

Why do you say you’re a people pleaser like it’s a good thing? A people pleaser is just a synonym for a doormat.

My own mother would kick me straight out of her house if I smoked inside, and I would be the one feeling guilty, not her.
I don't allow smoking in my own home either. If a friend smoked inside, I'd ask them to leave.
I'm struggling to understand why you feel guilty.

@FeetLikeFlippers No one said you have to read everyone's responses.

OP has posted 27 times. If you have a question for her, reading her responses would be a good place to start.

This is how threads work. 🙄

As an ex smoker, I would never dream of smoking in someone else's house, I never even smoked in my own home as smokers' houses stink to high heaven.
If someone smoked in my house, I'd be mad!

You did the right thing and she sounds like an awful person so no loss really!

Not in the slightest.

Thats a silly question. Some people have sips of wine whilst sat at a table in some idyllic home but that’s not where it ends. 🙄

Some people have more than sips (just not in your world) some have bottles and some people go home and destroy their children’s lives for ever and on and on through generations.

That’s before we get on to crime and health.

I’m not defending smoking but I’m pointing out the hypocrisy of condemning smokers while tolerating drinkers. We’re all brainwashed into thinking alcohol is respectable compared to cigarettes but it just isn’t.

Everyone needs a friend to be their object of disdain or so it seems here 🤷‍♀️

You absolutely did the right thing. I can’t believe someone would do that when you had asked her not too.

@graceinspace999 That's not what I asked.

If someone is having a sip of wine whilst sat at a table, does that negatively affect the health of a person sat on another table next to theirs?