I can't really go back to work with H attitude

[icantfuckingwin]

Two kids- 4 and 2.

H trying to build an empire and make it big. Self employed business. Requires A LOT of hours out of the house. I do not wish to disclose the type of business it is. But it's not work from home.

He leaves at 6 and comes back at 8:30-9 pm. The commute is around 1:15-1:30 minutes.

He's been putting a lot into it for many years and is on the brink of a possible investment, let's say. To enlarge business.

I've also had quite a successful career. I went back to work after both babies. I also manage everything home related, as I've always worked from home, there was just more time for me to do it.

For the last year I held a senior position, on a pretty big salary. Not humble bragging. But I suffered from absolute burn out. I could no longer maintain everything. I was doing all night wakings, all mornings, all drop offs and all pick ups, plus dinner time and bed time alone. My kids school is also an hour round trip because of traffic. I did have the help of a cleaner and spent money on convenience foods and take aways too often, but was really trying to just get through the days somehow. We had a nanny for a while before my youngest went to nursery and she'd fill in if I had work trips abroad etc. anyway my H all the while always complaining how much money we spent on outsourcing and making me feel guilty about it.

So we recently started discussing my return to work and what was going to change. To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning. This is because I suggested we have a housekeeper a few times a week, rather than a cleaner once a week, to make things easier on me. He said I never think about the finances and only about getting more and more help in.

This was part of the reason I left my job too, as I was made to feel guilty for needing help.

He essentially wants a wife who works full time on a big salary and takes care of all the home and childcare stuff with no help ( aside from nursery ) while he goes off to build his empire.

And I know what he'll say, he'll say I never supported him and he did it all alone. He already thinks that. Because I couldn't handle ' my lot '. When I was working and caused him a headache by complaining about it all.

I am sad but I don't think I can go back to work under these circumstances. He still does not get it and he'll begrudge the money we will need to speak to pick up his side of the equation.

Morals of it aside (he’s wrong, you’re right and he should be ashamed of the way he things), you don’t need to disclose on here obviously but what I would want to know (if I was you I mean, I myself don’t want to know) and because I’m generally quite sceptical I would take a healthy enough interest to want to see paperwork/proof of this - are we talking a PE (private equity) purchase of his business and what expected value? How far along the process are they? Your post about what he’s doing suggests this is the case.

Because that’s what this sounds like to me, and if that’s what he’s doing it’s incredibly stressful, what he’s doing is typical when in this process BUT it would (should) mean you are literally set for life after and can both leave work. Under those circumstances, I would grin and bear it (and if his behaviour has been poor enough to warrant it, once it’s completed I would take my 50% and skip off into the sunset).

If , however, this is just a pipe dream (‘this time next year Rodney!’) and he’s doing these crazy hours but there’s nothing tangible to show for it, that’s entirely different.

You’re getting such good advice. I am just a cost because I’m too ill to work. My dh never complains about that. I had to outsource when dd was little because I couldn’t look after her.

Edit - I forgot the point of my post. You need to stay financially independent because you’re not with a man, who values you and your needs.

Being married to such a selfish self absorbed prick, you need that job.
His attitude is actually coercive control and that has become a crime.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
Help is being paid for because he isn't doing HIS share of house and childcare.

Get the help in and return to work.
Make sure to keep eyes on the paperwork of that business he has built on your back.
He doesn't sound like he loves you or your children so you need to protect yourself and be proactive on that front.

Keep an ear out for a rottweiler divorce solicitor/forensic accountant....I reckon you may need one in the future in case he tries to hide money.
He sounds deeply selfish and unkind.
Sorry.

Where do your children fit into any of this? Both parents working their arses off, when do they get any quality time? (That's a question to both of you, not just you).

It sounds like you're both career focused, which is fine if you were child free, but there are two little people in the mix...

Then he’s either really fucking stupid or controlling.

He is gaslighting you
You will be made to feel he is doig all this for you, the family, anyone but himself.
Anything that does not also mean it's for the business he does not value.
You trying to be independant is seen as you going against him. But he's not framing it like that, he,'s guilting you into carrying on as his facilitator.
I don't usually LTB, but in this instance, I'd be L'ingTB

If he honestly believes he is the worker in the relationship, unaware that you probably do twice as much as he does, if you divorced he would fight you for everything - as he believes he is the one that worked for it and deserves it.
If you imagine you might separate in the future, plan your life so you have a good job, pension etc for after that event so at present get in nanny, and or housekeeper to help you and the DCs whilst you maintain your job, build savings. As DCs get older and more independent costs should fall.

Then you're prepared for everything and not worn to a frazzle.

If he's self employed then why does he need to commute over 2 hours everyday? And why doesn't he leave at 5pm so he can get back home at a more decent hour? He sounds incredibly selfish and just wants a wife and two children to make him look like a family man, which he most definitely is not. Does he parent the children on weekends? Take them out so you can have alone time? I bet he doesn't. He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features.

If you split up then he'd have to actually parent the children when he has them.

I find the empire comment hilarious.

Everyone else is building their company. Your husband is of course different and everyone has to call it building an EMPIRE because of course it is so much more different and big and powerful😄

He sounds insufferable OP I'd personally agree with everyone here that you need a job with a bloke like this, to protect yourself. He sounds controlling and awful. If you get divorced he'd have to do 50% of everything anyway (theoretically, I mean, we all realise he wouldn't because hes too busy and important and has a very important EMPIRE but he'd at least have to pay for childcare and then outsource lots of jobs that he just expects you to do like it's a scene from Don't Worry Darling).

If your income is going to more than cover the cost of outsourcing, what's the problem?

It isn’t just about the money though is it it is about you and your needs and fulfilment as a person who wants to work and set out on their own fulfilling career path that for you you don’t want to give up.

you need to say to him thau he has his business he loves and he is a parent and a husband you need your career as well and don’t just want to stay at home so this is going to be how it works or I would frankly leave him

I just don’t understand the mindset especially if he is supposedly intelligent? You either have a sahp and forfeit the salary or you both work and you need to pay people to do what the sahp did. His expectations make no sense you can’t do two jobs there are only so many hours in the day.

Alot of people have spend to keep their place on the ladder in the early years . It's worth it in the long run . When the kids are at school you'll only need a cleaner and some wrap around care . If he doesn't realise that where's he been ? O right yes obviously up his own backside sorting himself out . What does he bring to the table exactly?

Are you a spreadsheet person? If so start doing projected yearly budgets for your outsourcing options. Also consider risk, your husband's empire could fail, your ability to earn is a vital safety net for the family and yourself. He thinks you are being unreasonable, show him the options data he can't argue with.

For a woman with kids working isn’t just about covering costs but making sure u future proof your life if all goes wrong with your dh. The longer we are out of work the harder it is to get back in to a good position. Not to mention pension contributions.

with any self employed business it can all go wrong in the blink of an eye!

👏👏

I guess the question is, do you enjoy your job and want to continue it?

With an H who treats you like that I think you NEED to work in as well paid job as you can. If you want to stay in the relationship, work out whatever you can do to make this possible and your load more manageable.

if a nanny / cleaner etc costs more than your short term earnings, H should pay.

He sounds like a selfish prick OP. I normally always suggest reconcile and compromise but tbh LTB. Your doing it alone already anyway.

YOU are not outsourcing anything. HE is not doing his share (50%) of looking after the home and his children. He wants you to do all of your share of this, plus all of his share, plus work full time. And he wants to not just work full time but extra hours every day.

So it’s him that needs to outsource, either some of his work duties or some of his home duties. How is he proposing to do his share of his responsibilities? Will he be working 8 hours a day instead of 12 so he can come home and put the kids to bed? Or will he be paying someone else to do it?

Agree with all the other posters, keep your career and your independence! Your dh doesn’t come across as a reasonable compromising type of person so in the event of a divorce, you could find yourself in a lot of trouble if you don’t have an income. Money can be hidden / made inaccessible through company structures. If you stay together, having no income will make you even less respected in the relationship. He will control all the money and all the decisions! Look after yourself OP.

Please return to work.

You will need your career and pension, because this man will screw you over in many more ways I suspect.

Threaten to LTB

see how quickly that kiboshes his plans and he does a u turn on getting in outside help

and if it doesn’t, well. LTB. He’s an arsehole. This is no way to live.

give it 5 years when both kids don’t need as much support and they’re in school full time and he’ll be making you feel bad about your lack of career, which of course you sacrificed for him in the first place

Go to work, giving up bc of his attitude is a mistake, I regret doing this and will never completely get over it. Your dh and mine went to the same charm school where their career comes first.

Think about what works for you or would work if you were a single parent because although he's in your space he is useless. So if you go back to work what do you need to put in place to manage work,two children and a home. Yes he should do his share, yes he should be present but he isn't so it's all about the practicalities. Do you need someone to ferry the children to nursery and school, do you need someone to clean and tidy? Is after school a problem, then decide how that can be managed. From what you have said you probably need a nanny and a cleaner as a minimum if you have no family near by to help.