I can't really go back to work with H attitude

[icantfuckingwin]

Two kids- 4 and 2.

H trying to build an empire and make it big. Self employed business. Requires A LOT of hours out of the house. I do not wish to disclose the type of business it is. But it's not work from home.

He leaves at 6 and comes back at 8:30-9 pm. The commute is around 1:15-1:30 minutes.

He's been putting a lot into it for many years and is on the brink of a possible investment, let's say. To enlarge business.

I've also had quite a successful career. I went back to work after both babies. I also manage everything home related, as I've always worked from home, there was just more time for me to do it.

For the last year I held a senior position, on a pretty big salary. Not humble bragging. But I suffered from absolute burn out. I could no longer maintain everything. I was doing all night wakings, all mornings, all drop offs and all pick ups, plus dinner time and bed time alone. My kids school is also an hour round trip because of traffic. I did have the help of a cleaner and spent money on convenience foods and take aways too often, but was really trying to just get through the days somehow. We had a nanny for a while before my youngest went to nursery and she'd fill in if I had work trips abroad etc. anyway my H all the while always complaining how much money we spent on outsourcing and making me feel guilty about it.

So we recently started discussing my return to work and what was going to change. To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning. This is because I suggested we have a housekeeper a few times a week, rather than a cleaner once a week, to make things easier on me. He said I never think about the finances and only about getting more and more help in.

This was part of the reason I left my job too, as I was made to feel guilty for needing help.

He essentially wants a wife who works full time on a big salary and takes care of all the home and childcare stuff with no help ( aside from nursery ) while he goes off to build his empire.

And I know what he'll say, he'll say I never supported him and he did it all alone. He already thinks that. Because I couldn't handle ' my lot '. When I was working and caused him a headache by complaining about it all.

I am sad but I don't think I can go back to work under these circumstances. He still does not get it and he'll begrudge the money we will need to speak to pick up his side of the equation.

Stop cleaning, cooking, looking after the house admin and go on strike, focus just on the kids and your job, how does he think the house runs - magically by itself?! This will help him see the obvious really.
A very self- absorbed man to say the least.

You want to swap your fantastic career for a life of housework, laundry and child-wrangling? How much will you get paid for it? What future prospects does it bring, and what's the pension plan? Car? How much paid holiday?

If you actually wanted to do this, I'd be advising you to think very carefully and get answers to these questions. Since you (wisely) don't, I'm advising NO FUCKING WAY!

But still set it out for him - you need him to see what he's really asking of you. You also need him to see that you're a person in your own right, with your own wishes. How dare he delegate ALL the running of HIS home and family to you? If he can't be arsed to take care of his own life, why delegate it you when professionals are available for these duties?

Hold firm, @icantfuckingwin.

I'd strongly recommend not giving up your own work. Why on earth does he dictate what happens? I've never and will never rely on my husband's income, although we probably could. He needs to pull the stick out of his arse and sit down with you to arrange a fair share of responsibilities. If he can't/won't, he needs to accept outsourcing jobs. If the money is there, go for it. For me, it's not just a question of money (we'd have been better off through the nursery years if I didn't work), but pride in my own achievements and setting a good example to my kids.

Best of luck OP - I appreciate how exhausting and stressful it is.

Please please please do not give up your job in this situation OP. From what you e said about him, this type of man will berate you for not working and tell you that he is keeping you in a year (or less).

There will be a shift in power dynamic NOT in your favour. You will find it hard to leave .. maybe if he sells the business you will get used to the money but you won’t have freedom. It is not an equal partnership.

Keep your career. Keep having a life, no matter how hard it is (definitely go for the housekeeper option).

Keep your options open.

Also this.

Even very expensive so called “forensic” 🙄accountants are not able to see where the money is hidden away.

He is co-ercing you into this decision.

Objectively, it doesn’t look good.

Please go back to work, OP, partly because of his attitude.

Someone who doesn’t appreciate what it takes to bring up two children, run a household, and work full-time-and doesn’t help with the children/household, doesn’t really have your back. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s not a good sign for you relationship and you really you need to keep your independence. 💐

Well the obvious solution is that he reduces his working hours and picks up some of the slack at home if he doesn't want to pay for help. He's never going to do that though is he because it's your job in his opinion.

Definitely don't give up work and rely on him for money. He will never value your contribution.

Hang on - what is your DH contributing to yoir family aside from his work and financial contribution?

I’m in the same position but kids now 12 and 8. YANBU. You need to go back to work , take the financial hit in the short term to allow you to be successful at work. In 5 years time , you will need less help and you will have 2 good salaries between you.
The alternative is that you sacrifice you career and earning potential for ever .

His hours don't mean he doesn't have to parent lazy git....my husband also SE worked 6am to 10 to only home Sunday afternoon he still did his share of night waking and helped when home your both doing well carry on outsourcing

Your husband can't have it all ways.

Keep your job and outsource as much as you need to.

Is your husband a workaholic by any chance? Is there a realistic plan that he will actually ever be able to step back and engage with your family?

Do you have full oversight of all the household money? If not I think you should insist on it.

How is your relationship? I have to wonder whether you feel emotionally supported by him?

Is it outsourcing when it's child care? Your DH is equally responsible. Also, careers are more than just finance, it's about your personal fulfilment, your DH pursuit of 'making it' shouldn't override that.

You've mentioned a few times being made to feel guilty. You shouldn't feel like that (noting your username).

Do you feel listened to and respected? It sounds like your needs are not being met.

Go back to work. You need to make sure your career thrives.

outsource whatever is necessary. If he balks, tell him he can do the task himself or he can pay to have it done.

wait it out a bit. You have put in the time and sacrificed to make his business work. You have done more than your fair share of the family labor, even with outsourcing some of it.

If his business does hit it big, consider taking your share and leaving if his attitude has continued.

He’s got no problem outsourcing to you though! Not just household stuff either he’s not even doing his share of parenting. You do what you want, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Don’t feel bad for getting whatever support you need to fill his absence

OP, as the person doing it, you have a far more realistic idea of how much outsourcing needs to be done for you to retain some quality of life in addition to your physical, mental, and emotional health.

Keep your job, outsource everything you can and more. Your DH should be paying for the bulk of it.

Do not under any circumstances give up any of your earning potential for this man.

Go back to work and outsource whatever you need to to cope. I'd not talk to him again about the outsourcing and just do it. Going back to work gives you more financial security as a family, pension contributions which is really important and if you ever get sick and tired of the no support and the being expected to run yourself ragged you'll have an income and won't need to rely on him. I'll bet if you don't go back he'll end up being controlling with the money he earns and make you feel you have to justify every penny spent and don't deserve to spend on you.

Even if it was it would only be doing so because her H won't do his share. The outsourcing allows HIM to do nothing, its an expense caused by his behaviour not OPw job. OP will still be doing the vast majority of everything and shouldn't be reliant on a man like that for an income or future financial security in retirement.

I think you are approaching this wrong. As your husband he gets to have a say in HOW you approach you going back to work (does he pick up more and you share because you both think it’s important to be a family member with the kids or do you outsource?) Whether you go back to work or not… he’s not involved in that one - that’s for you to decide.

To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning.

I must have misunderstood your OP.

This. Worst thing I ever did was listen to a moanie (D)H and give up my City career. I never got it back and the family court when we divorced was very unsympathetic. Keep your career at ALL cost. He needs to start pulling his weight with family matters.

This!

He is taking the absolute piss. You are a person not a domestic appliance

It is 2024 for goodness sake

You have just assumed that because her DH said it, it must be true @StormingNorman . He appears to be exaggerating.

You need to knock him off the pedestal you have placed him on @icantfuckingwin . Your career matters just as much as his so time for a sit down and hashing it out. He cannot expect you to do everything in the home and child related whilst working, no decent man would. So, what does he suggest? He needs to figure out how to build his empire on fewer hours doesn't he? Ask him, why does he think you are stronger and more able than him? Why does he expect more from you than he does from himself? Why does he not think himself capable of doing it all?
Stop placing him at the top of the priority list and put yourself there instead. Tell him, don't ask.

You must keep working because your marriage is doomed. Your husband doesn't value you. He has contempt for you. The day will come when you will not be able to tolerate this man another day and you'll need your career to support you. Don't trap yourself by not having your own financial resources.

@icantfuckingwin

This is exactly the type of man you don't want to be financially dependent on. He places no value on you as his wife, and chances are he places no value on women in general.

I'm afraid you're going to have to stand up to him and say you ARE going back to work and that there will be a cleaner and a nanny. Because if he doesn't support you by paying for them for you to build your career and your retirement, then he'll be paying for them for himself when he's a single father.