I can't really go back to work with H attitude

[icantfuckingwin]

Two kids- 4 and 2.

H trying to build an empire and make it big. Self employed business. Requires A LOT of hours out of the house. I do not wish to disclose the type of business it is. But it's not work from home.

He leaves at 6 and comes back at 8:30-9 pm. The commute is around 1:15-1:30 minutes.

He's been putting a lot into it for many years and is on the brink of a possible investment, let's say. To enlarge business.

I've also had quite a successful career. I went back to work after both babies. I also manage everything home related, as I've always worked from home, there was just more time for me to do it.

For the last year I held a senior position, on a pretty big salary. Not humble bragging. But I suffered from absolute burn out. I could no longer maintain everything. I was doing all night wakings, all mornings, all drop offs and all pick ups, plus dinner time and bed time alone. My kids school is also an hour round trip because of traffic. I did have the help of a cleaner and spent money on convenience foods and take aways too often, but was really trying to just get through the days somehow. We had a nanny for a while before my youngest went to nursery and she'd fill in if I had work trips abroad etc. anyway my H all the while always complaining how much money we spent on outsourcing and making me feel guilty about it.

So we recently started discussing my return to work and what was going to change. To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning. This is because I suggested we have a housekeeper a few times a week, rather than a cleaner once a week, to make things easier on me. He said I never think about the finances and only about getting more and more help in.

This was part of the reason I left my job too, as I was made to feel guilty for needing help.

He essentially wants a wife who works full time on a big salary and takes care of all the home and childcare stuff with no help ( aside from nursery ) while he goes off to build his empire.

And I know what he'll say, he'll say I never supported him and he did it all alone. He already thinks that. Because I couldn't handle ' my lot '. When I was working and caused him a headache by complaining about it all.

I am sad but I don't think I can go back to work under these circumstances. He still does not get it and he'll begrudge the money we will need to speak to pick up his side of the equation.

With kids aged 4-8, lots of people use state schools, then go private 9 years old. This is due to 4-8 year olds learning through play mostly.

what is this bullshittery your husband is spouting?

He wants you to be a cartoon 1950s wife who manages everything and still greets him at the door wearing lipstick and a smile?

those women had daily housekeepers and time to read.

He wants a high earning corporate badass?

Those women need to outsource to make their lives work without burning out

He wants a SAHP who commits to holding up the domestic + child front while he builds his empire?

That woman still deserves help + support for all her hard work despite it not being paid actual money.

———-

As many PPs have said. Your husband is expecting you to deliver SAHP martyr level domestic care + bring in a significant income. He is deluded.

given he is clearly unhinged - what do you want? Get confident in that. Manifest it!

(My DH is also has v. long hours / high income - but he acknowledges the burden it places on me and we agree to outsource as much of the house upkeep as we can so that when he’s free he’s able to spend time with his family. Your husband needs a real come to Jesus about what’s important to him)

I think the first thing you need to outsource is him. Do not drop your career, you'll need it later on and why should you, your obviously talented in your own right.

The children won't be small forever and the need for outsourcing will decrease.

becaise he doesn’t value you or the work you do… in or outside the home.

You are expected to get on with it all without complaint so he can be the big man.

You sound like an intelligent woman… why on earth are you putting up with this shit?!

I couldn't stay married to a man likethat
Divorce him ,get 50/50 childcare and work when he has the kids

I mean, he says we but he is is clear who needs to make sacrifices and it isn't we

He has no respect for you. He is not treating you like a partner, or indeed someone he actually likes.

His expectations for you are higher than those he had for himself.

Do you want to stay with such a selfish man?

Don't give up a career for the sake of a relationship that will most probably break down. And don't feel bad for paying for help, considering he provides no support (aside from financial) to you.

PS his comments about paying out as much as you earn are nonsense - the outsourcing is a shared expense and enables BOTH of you to work.

So what if you buy convenience food and takeaways - if he doesn’t like it the. He can spend his spare time batch cooking. It’s not all on you so sort out life admin and housework.

What a disgusting “man”. If he doesn’t want to outsource anything then he needs to do half. But he’s shown his true self with this attitude and I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye again. Not without feeling sick that I had to live with such a selfish, money driven, sexist pig who thinks only he is important.

No, this is wrong. Say outsourcing costs £2k, and OP earns £2k and OP's husband earns £2k, then outsourcing costs £1k per person, leaving OP and husband with £1k each.

They are each responsible for 50% of the household tasks and the children. OP isn't responsible for 100% of household tasks and children.

This is, you going back to work isn't just about your monthly salary. It's your worth and how you feel as a person plus you are contributing to your own pension.

Have you posted about him before OP? Sounds familiar - if not there is some other poor women out there with this problem too

like so many men he regards parenting and the house as your job. He’s done his contribution to the parenting by injecting his sperm and I bet before the kids came along you did all the house stuff too (even if that meant coordinating outsourcing) but it was easier because no children

sadly he’s a selfish arse & I doubt he’ll change. Question really is can you live with that

It’s not up to him. If you were part time would it be more manageable. You need to think of you as he isn’t supporting you. Can he be around once a week for sschool pick up. If you had a part time nanny they could pick up house hold chores. At the same time how much do you want to be with your children. It sounds like burn out occurred because of lack of support and you were doing to much. I think he needs to step up. And help a bit more. They are his children too. Could you wait a bit longer would he reduce his hours?

Yep, this.
What a fucking burden.

I guess important point is that you want to work, and as a partnership/ family need to make that happen and thr other stuff that a family needs.

working is important to you. and that deserves respect importance from dh, family

it does get a bit easier I think when kind are at school, though difficult in different ways too. But you should not be made to feel bad about getting help or taking shortcuts. that is the least of the issues.
I think a list of all the parenting jobs is useful. either parents are responsible to see they are done. DH needs to meet that responsibility somehow.

Generally, it's been good. She has done a lot of playing and learning social skill. They have done phonics and handwriting. I've already taught my daughter to read so she's ahead in that area but it's good to reinforce the learning. The writing and scissor skills have been tricky because she's struggled with fine motor skills. Her biggest issue in school has been other children hitting, kicking, scratching and throwing things. She's in a class of 34 with a high proportion of additional needs. Homework wise it's been fine. It's nothing particularly tricky mostly letter formation and phonics. She occasionally gets maths homework but it's very basic.

If you went back to work once you little one is 3 you should get 30 free hours during term time. Slowly you'll be able to reduce the hours you need help. Then once they are both in full-time school it will be so much easier because you can use wrap around. Although, I'd still have a cleaner if I was you. You need to outsource the work if you are basically a single parent.

www.gov.uk/check-eligible-free-childcare-if-youre-working

If your salary covers the expenses of outsourcing the domestic stuff then I don’t see the problem. If it doesn’t cover the cost then you either can’t work or you have to work at a loss. There are thousands of parents in that position.

It sounds like your job is so demanding that you need a full housekeeper and nanny, and you can’t afford that. So maybe you have to change job to something less demanding, or not work for a while, or work at a loss.

At the end of the day you chose to have kids with someone who worked about 14 hours a day. You must have known you’d be the primary carer and he wouldn’t be doing any of it. You’ve clearly under estimated the level of support you’d need in order to keep working, and what it would cost. But he’s being ridiculous saying you can’t work. He needs to accept that you might be working at a loss for a few years in order to keep your career going.

I think you can’t NOT go back to work tbh.

his attitude is abysmal and is the exact reason you have to stay financially independent

I would take a similar line to@AcrossthePond55

I’ve ended up working part time, 3 days a week.

I just don't trust men like that, he'll make you sacrifice everything "for the family" and then fuck off with another woman when the fancy takes him.

You must do what is best for you and your family. Will he complain if you give up work? Will you have enough money? What happens if he doesn't make it big?
Personally I would get the housekeeper and keep my job and some independence.

He thinks it will cost more because he wants a wifey at home.
It doesn't cost more.

another thought : the massive time and energy put into business is putting money aside. if dh wants something to show for it at the end of the day, yiu will have a business you can sell.

the idea you should be guilty for getting in help or shortcuts is ridiculous.

He doesn't say I shouldn't work.

I think he quite wants me to go back, so he doesn't have to pay for everything.

But from yesterday's conversation, I don't think the time is right and he doesn't get it.

I'll need to wait a little bit longer to see if he does get it.

I wasn't going to actively look for a role until after the summer anyway. I only started talking about it because I was contacted about a role. But in any case, regardless of anything, the role isn't quite right for me.

I'm definitely going to start looking properly after the summer and hope to find something which will fit into what I need.

Both parents are equally responsible for parenting. 50:50 Both of you work. The ‘outsourcing’ enables both of you to work 50/50. If a mother has finished the female specific parts of parenting such as being incapacitated by pregnancy, recovering from birth and breast feeding then the burden of parenting is 50/50. Clearly if one parent CHOOSES to compromise their career and stay at home that is their affair, however this should not disadvantage that parent nor place excessive burden on the other.