I can't really go back to work with H attitude

[icantfuckingwin]

Two kids- 4 and 2.

H trying to build an empire and make it big. Self employed business. Requires A LOT of hours out of the house. I do not wish to disclose the type of business it is. But it's not work from home.

He leaves at 6 and comes back at 8:30-9 pm. The commute is around 1:15-1:30 minutes.

He's been putting a lot into it for many years and is on the brink of a possible investment, let's say. To enlarge business.

I've also had quite a successful career. I went back to work after both babies. I also manage everything home related, as I've always worked from home, there was just more time for me to do it.

For the last year I held a senior position, on a pretty big salary. Not humble bragging. But I suffered from absolute burn out. I could no longer maintain everything. I was doing all night wakings, all mornings, all drop offs and all pick ups, plus dinner time and bed time alone. My kids school is also an hour round trip because of traffic. I did have the help of a cleaner and spent money on convenience foods and take aways too often, but was really trying to just get through the days somehow. We had a nanny for a while before my youngest went to nursery and she'd fill in if I had work trips abroad etc. anyway my H all the while always complaining how much money we spent on outsourcing and making me feel guilty about it.

So we recently started discussing my return to work and what was going to change. To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning. This is because I suggested we have a housekeeper a few times a week, rather than a cleaner once a week, to make things easier on me. He said I never think about the finances and only about getting more and more help in.

This was part of the reason I left my job too, as I was made to feel guilty for needing help.

He essentially wants a wife who works full time on a big salary and takes care of all the home and childcare stuff with no help ( aside from nursery ) while he goes off to build his empire.

And I know what he'll say, he'll say I never supported him and he did it all alone. He already thinks that. Because I couldn't handle ' my lot '. When I was working and caused him a headache by complaining about it all.

I am sad but I don't think I can go back to work under these circumstances. He still does not get it and he'll begrudge the money we will need to speak to pick up his side of the equation.

Your poor children and you

why do you think you are staying with him, a hope he will change value you and your children

Op I have a friend who is in a similar marriage. She went back to work anyway, arranged child are to suit her and got a housekeeper/cleaner who cleaned and cooked evening meal. Told him he could have an opinion when he actually helped.

Kids are in school now and it is easier for her. She accepted he has little interest in the kids and is making decent savings and pension provisions for herself.

I'd also consider a primary school that's nearer and think of private for secondary when kids can travel themselves

Tell us something good about him. Something positive. Something he brings to you and your children apart from money.

You don't want to be financially dependant on this person. If he doesn't see the value you bring to you both now,when you are doing what essentially equates to 2 full time jobs, imagine how he is going to make you feel when you do one job only.

Also, how are you going to feel in a few years time if (or more likely, when) he starts bringing up, for example, an amazing young female colleague who is really successful at her job and so inspiring.
You really don't want to depend on him. You need your independence and you need to hold on to it with dear life.
He will just use you to get where he wants.

Btw - you are pretty amazing considering you managed to work at all while
raising 2 kids singlehandedly.

Absolutely.

This marriage is not going to last

He is selfish and egotistical

You need to keep your career

Go back to work and spend what you need to to make it work for you. Ask to be office based or find a WFH hub near you and work from there.

I hope you have a joint account and all earnings (his and yours) go into that?

Do you think regardless of what happens I should push to be a shareholder in all the companies he has ?

Well it can’t do any harm. But unless you get your own independent legal advice, he could very easily con you with this. He is not stupid, he’s not going to voluntarily you anything of any value.

And even if you do and it’s set up correctly, it’s pretty easy to devalue your shares or move assets from one company to another, especially if they are part of a group.

Leave and get a live in nanny while you cam still afford it.

He says I don't think about finances enough apparently.
and you don’t think about your family EVER so I don’t have time or energy to make a financial plan. Question for you to think about- does getting more help at home cost more than a divorce? Shall we discuss this tomorrow night?

you could offer that you will quit your job if you receive 49% of his company in your name ALONG WITH VOTING RIGHTS, or become a director,( but you’d need to think about it the liability issues of being a director).

But honestly, I would drive to his office, hand him the kids and say if you don’t think I’m supporting you to work then I expect you will want to be a 50/50 parent from now on, so I am going away for a few days to think about life and how I’d like to spend it with someone who respects me, which isn’t you. Please love and nurture our children, you are their father, and they don’t care about your tunnel vision.

What happens if you are unwell?
Who looks after the DC?

He needs a dose of reality. I have to say my DH is currently a bit of a useless t..., but I don't think he's quite as up himself as your DH.

I fear your DH will come crashing down at some point and expect you to fix that too.
I've heard of a book called Fair Play might be worth a read.

@Ukrainebaby23

It's funny you mention that today out of all days as I've now caught my little one's sickness bug.

H has been working all weekend and I have both kids at home as they're on summer holidays now.

He usually can't help, even when I'm sick. It didn't even occur to me to try to stop him going to work this morning. But I have texted him now saying that I am vomiting and he needs to come home.

But yeah I've had real struggles with it in the past where I've been sick too. I take drugs that suppress my immune system, so I do pick up a lot from the kids. I feel like I'm unwell, a lot.

When he's sick he obviously gets to rest in bed for as long as needed.

He’s simply more important than you, isn’t he? You’re the servant and he’s the king.

Unless you’re a tradwife, I’m not sure why you’d accept this. It’s not like he’s even paying you.

This is classic. Man says yes I want you to work but I also (deep down implicitly or explicitly) expect you to be the stay at home wife my mother was to my father and that I deserve. My own husband is like this and for 10 years it has eaten away at our marriage. He still doesn’t get it. If kid needs a dentist/dr/birthday party present etc it will always be ‘I’m working I can’t’… and yes I also work. I fantasise about leaving him, though he’s nice in all other ways, this deeply set sexist/gendered attitude has not budged since we had kids. It runs deep. I was raised by a 70s feminist mum and I still find myself putting up with this shit but it makes me angry and resentful and has ruined my marriage. So my advice is - push back assertively or leave him, sounds like you could afford to, he would figure out quite quickly that domestic work doesn’t get done by itself.

So you already have health issues.
Have you really no idea how damaging all this stress is to your long term health?
Do you have sex with this pig?
If you do it must be coercive because it is beyond my understanding how you could voluntarily have him near you you or touch you.
You poor woman that you value yourself so little.

You are married to a selfish man. Things won’t ever get better.

In your shoes, I’d be focusing on your career, outsourcing what you can (get a nanny/housekeeper?) and be quietly planning my exit strategy.

This isn’t a partnership and as such, you won’t remain married unless you constantly make all the compromises.

Work out your hourly working rate, compare it to the home experts (cleaner, housekeeper, Gardner, ironing shop, childcare).

So if you get sick then what? He does not seem to like the kids or you. Why did he want kids? What do kids think of him? Lije a distant uncle who lives with them?Does his salary fund you and kids?

If you live in an expensive area you should be able to find a good school that is closer.
Childcare is always disproportionately expensive and they are his children too so the cost should come from both salaries. To say it isn’t worth you going back to work is just unfair. I’ve not read all the thread but assume part-time work is not available in your field?
In the end it’s up to you whether you really want to outsource all your childcare. In theory it is less difficult once they are older, but in practice you still have homework and reading to do after the wrap-around care. I would have thought that after-school help at home is a good solution, whatever it costs. If you can find someone good they can pick your children up from school instead of using wrap-around, help with homework and perhaps even cook.

Things are unlikely to change for the better OP. The disrespect and contempt your husband displays towards you is breathtaking.
Sadly you are allowing your children to witness all of this misogyny and to soak it up so it becomes their norm. I’m sorry but you need to change this set up, nothing will improve until you do. A shock to his system will either elicit meaningful change or will let you know he will never ever look at you as an equal or with respect.
You are worth more and you can show your children a better and happier way of living. Do it for them if you can’t do it for yourself just now. Good luck.

Oh, this made me sad. This isn't normal in a loving relationship. What you want matters. If you want to work, then work in fact I think it would be foolish to allow yourself to become dependent on such a man sounds borderline abusive/delusional. He could not build his empire if you did not carry him.

Don’t give up your job, your future and your pension!!
I would go back to work and pay childcare/nursery… soon your kids will be at school and your career will be hard to get back on track… you’d have lost confidence etc..
mid dear husband doesn’t want to spend out on a cleaner then maybe at weekends you can have a rota and he can do his share!!
if he accuses you of not supporting his career ask him how about him showing you some support with yours!! There are TWO parents to raise the kids and TWO homeowners to keep house!!

Is he bringing in the income to match this "empire" he is building? Is he bringing so much in that it covers what HIS home duties are? Is he really building an empire or is he building his ego?

Just because he is "building his empire" doesn't mean that you still do not get to build yours. If he cannot understand that...something has to change, and NOT just you.

He doesn’t want to pay for a nanny or housemaid as he thinks that’s all you are. He doesn’t see you or treat you as a wife or partner.

Are you sure these are both your plans as it sounds like it’s his plan and you have to go along with it.

Is this the type of relationship you want your kids to grow up and think is ok??

OK, I'm going to do a bit of a turn around for you.
Re-read your own post, read it as though one of your children has written it and what would your advice be?
Personally I would be telling him what's happening, no ifs, buts or maybes. Then I would explain that, if he has an issue with the expenses then you could always separate and see how much he has to pay towards his children then!
When my partner and I had an argument - a long time ago now - about what I actually do as a SAHM I went on strike. I also came up with a list of the jobs I do, looked on local pages to see how much people are charging for these jobs, then did an itemised weekly bill for all the work I do. I presented this on the last day of my strike.
Never had an argument about it again!