I can't really go back to work with H attitude

[icantfuckingwin]

Two kids- 4 and 2.

H trying to build an empire and make it big. Self employed business. Requires A LOT of hours out of the house. I do not wish to disclose the type of business it is. But it's not work from home.

He leaves at 6 and comes back at 8:30-9 pm. The commute is around 1:15-1:30 minutes.

He's been putting a lot into it for many years and is on the brink of a possible investment, let's say. To enlarge business.

I've also had quite a successful career. I went back to work after both babies. I also manage everything home related, as I've always worked from home, there was just more time for me to do it.

For the last year I held a senior position, on a pretty big salary. Not humble bragging. But I suffered from absolute burn out. I could no longer maintain everything. I was doing all night wakings, all mornings, all drop offs and all pick ups, plus dinner time and bed time alone. My kids school is also an hour round trip because of traffic. I did have the help of a cleaner and spent money on convenience foods and take aways too often, but was really trying to just get through the days somehow. We had a nanny for a while before my youngest went to nursery and she'd fill in if I had work trips abroad etc. anyway my H all the while always complaining how much money we spent on outsourcing and making me feel guilty about it.

So we recently started discussing my return to work and what was going to change. To which he said, well we can't spend that much money on outsourcing stuff- otherwise it won't be worth you working. We will be paying more to outsource than you'll be earning. This is because I suggested we have a housekeeper a few times a week, rather than a cleaner once a week, to make things easier on me. He said I never think about the finances and only about getting more and more help in.

This was part of the reason I left my job too, as I was made to feel guilty for needing help.

He essentially wants a wife who works full time on a big salary and takes care of all the home and childcare stuff with no help ( aside from nursery ) while he goes off to build his empire.

And I know what he'll say, he'll say I never supported him and he did it all alone. He already thinks that. Because I couldn't handle ' my lot '. When I was working and caused him a headache by complaining about it all.

I am sad but I don't think I can go back to work under these circumstances. He still does not get it and he'll begrudge the money we will need to speak to pick up his side of the equation.

OMG @AcrossthePond55 are you me? How perfect!

(hums the Twilight Zone theme: doo doo dee doo doo, doo dee doo doo). I don't know, @pikkumyy77 . Am I? 🤔

Or is it a case of great minds thinking alike? 😜

"Stone tablets from Mt Sinai" 😂😂

Sorry to say this Op but he will NEVER change.
I gave up work when I had my youngest. His idea due to his long working hours.
Cue any time I said I was unhappy about me doing absolutely everything he said well I pay all the bills 🤷🏻‍♀️ he rarely got up with the kids in the night as his job was “too important” to lose sleep.
When I said he was lazy and did nothing around the house and worked late all the time, he said I was the lazy one since I didn’t work. He said he worked so many hours because I didn’t work.
So I got a part time term time job 15 hours a week. Childcare was my domain, school drop offs fair enough I was available. But I had to do all shopping for uniforms, clothes, food, toiletries etc because he had to work. All kids parties left to me.
He still did a lot of hours and I asked if he could get home on time on set days each week, wouldn’t commit. I had no life whatsoever, no family nearby to babsit so tied to the house.
I did/do all the painting and decorating.
I started Peri-menopause a couple of years ago and really struggled with my mental and physical load of 2 kids and house and job, plus daughter with Sen, I was going through a disciplinary a work due to my manager stabbing me in the back and I reached Burnout. Dh said I was being dramatic when I said I couldn’t get off the sofa after crying non stop for 6 hours while he was at work between Xmas and new year. I’d run around for weeks and weeks Xmas shopping, working at 2 locations, rushing around constantly, without a break and hit a brick wall. It took a few weeks to bounce back, I was numb for weeks.
I started to stand up to dh more in the last year or so and got a slap for shouting at him in frustration when he wouldn’t put our daughter first one night.

We gave it another go and he had already checked out I think. He went on a lads holiday and secretly gave money to someone without consulting me.

We are Separated after another row (semi public with friends witnessing) where he’s making me out to be the instigator and crazy one 🙄
it’s been 10 weeks and he says he’s petitioning divorce 🤣 no thought for our kids who have really struggled for these 10 weeks. He refuses to believe our daughter is autistic/adhd and I’m done trying to get him to see and change. There comes a point when you have to say you’re done 👍 the house is much happier without his gaslighting, negativity and toxicity. It’s also a lot tidier and cleaner 🤣

@Shelley49F 💐
Hope you and your daughter are okay.

xx

I'm still feeling really stuck.

I definitely need to work as financially I just can't handle being dependent on him.

But I know what will happen - I'll blow all my money on household stuff and kids stuff and he'll be able to put more savings into his investment company that I'm not even a part of ! So what the fuck ?

I am so stuck I just don't know where to turn and what to do- except I know I need to work asap. But I just can't win against him somehow.

Nope you insist on 50:50 child and household costs and 50:50 for savings and investments.

I think you've become a boiled frog and can't see this has become abusive.

Have you gotten legal advice?
Have you contacted Women's aid?
He is controlling and abusing you.
You need to reach out for help.
You need advice and support.

Does he change his own car oil and check his own tyres or does.he pay the garage? I bet he outsources when it suits him, the cheeky fucker

@NomenNudum oh yeah of course. He spends his money on whatever he wants. But I need to cut back on stuff he doesn't deem important - like toys for the kids / clothes for the kids.

He spends THOUSANDS on designer clothes, for himself. On gadgets for the kitchen and his stuff in the garage is very high end too. He doesn't like mediocre stuff. Everything has to be the top of the top. He is now thinking about getting a very expensive sports car, but apparently I have to save money and make cut backs on all the junk I buy and all the money I waste. It's nuts. Now that he actually has to pay for household stuff, he wants me to get rid of my cleaner for example as it's just too extravagant. But he can get himself whatever he pleases.

He makes around 3 times as much as me ( well as I did last year which was a bad year for me).

I spoke to women's aid. I have spoken to them before too.

I haven't sought legal advice, but I will when I get back home.

You can help yourself by gathering as much photos of paperwork on what he owns, salary, pension, company name, number, solicitors that he uses, accountants he uses, banks etc. Take photos of his spending, clothes, gadgets.
Try and get texts of him telling you not to spend money, you asking for money.
Try and build a case to help your solicitor.
The more information you can provide the better.
Perhaps a forensic accountant will be money well spent.
Talk to your GP about his financial abuse of you.
Talk to your GP about his coercive control of you, refusing to fund childcare etc., deliberately making it difficult for you to return to work.
This is a very bad man.
Help yourself by building a case of information of hard facts and photos of his abuse of you.
Get legal advice and ask what they need from you.
Keep very quiet about it.
Tell family and close friends the truth.

There’s nothing else to say apart from he is a selfish fucker who only cares about his own wants and needs. This is no partnership.

Do you think it's actually financial abuse ? I mean does it really matter that it's got an abuse label, it's just not a great situation.

Do you think him upholding the financial and domestic inequality in your marriage isn't abuse? Why not? Why should he hold all the power? The only possible reason is that he deems himself and his work to be more important than you and anything you do.

He has you trapped, he has a lot of money saved where you can't access it and won't be entitled to 50% when you divorce.

He has you solely responsible for the DC financially is blocking your independence by blocking you work.

Text book financial abuse.

What should I ask him? To have access to his savings ? His salary directly ? His companies ?

Well yes all those things that all costs, savings, income is shared as an equal partnership regardless of who earns what.

He funnels his money to a business you have no access to.
He shares children with you.
Children that he has no part of rearing.
He has made it clear he will have no part in their rearing and that he will not contribute in any way to funding childcare and support of the children's care, that will enable you to work independently of the home.
Despite him earning multiples of your salary.
Fxxk yes this IS coercive control and financial abuse.
YOU need legal representation to spell out the above.
This IS a police matter.

One step at a time, you can do this.

Some good advice here re financial abuse etc. However fundamentally at a minimum can you not just book the help in yourself and not discuss it with him? If he sees the charges on the account or whatever then you can just say - oh yes, I got a housekeeper. If his response to that is abusive (frightening, aggressive, controlling etc) then clearly you need to leave.

It's called Economic Abuse, these people are great and have tons of information.

survivingeconomicabuse.org/

What should I ask him? To have access to his savings ? His salary directly ? His companies ?

This is why it's called financial abuse because he's made it so difficult for you to have access to these things, makes it seem unreasonable for you to ask, you respond as though it's absurd to even think about asking him to see all of this. A decent man would have given you access to all of this already without even being asked. It's family money! You are a partnership. You enable him to earn all of this. Without you he'd either have to pay a huge amount per month for a nanny or downscale his work to allow him to parent his children. What would he do if you died tomorrow and he was left in sole care of the dc?

Depends on how strong your marriage is. If a man has a strong personality and is an empire builder, then there is always someone in the background doing the domestic stuff. Sounds as if there is a clash of work culture and ethics in your relationship. I would ask myself where I want to be in five/ten years time. There are deeper problems at play here like 'Where are we actually going and what is more important my career/my marriage/my future? Only you can answer what you and your family's needs really are. Is there love there anywhere in the equation?