To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

She's relaying the facts and telling you what happened. It's good communication from the school

For goodness sake he’s 4! Why on earth did the teacher he grabbed not ask him what he needed! Poor little chap being ignored by professional who should know bettet

No teaching assistant should have to accept being physically assaulted by a child

You are sugar coating the fact your child has firm for hitting. It’s not the first time he has done it and now he has done it to a member of staff and she won’t stand for it (rightly so). Are the rest of the class hitting?

Did he go to nursery? How was he there?

A child hitting in reception isn’t normal.

You need to meet with the school and discuss how best to tackle things to ensure that his needs are met and that staff aren’t being subjected to violence.

Sounds like the staff handled it well.

you just need to be clear with him that it’s never acceptable to ‘grab’ an adult like that?

You don't need to crack down on him, nor believe that the teacher thinks your son is a violent thug.

You do need to work with the school about how your son can manage his emotions and impulsive reactions. Yes, he's four but grabbing an adult hard enough to leave a mark is something that should have (and was) communicated to you.

Does your son feel anxious at school? I wonder because of the grabbing at someone he didn't know.

The general attitude to take with this is 'thanks for letting me know', reinforce acceptable behaviour with ds and carry on. Little ones are wrecked this time of year and as you son is the youngest, he will likely feel it more.

If this is the only time the teacher has spoken to you about your son's behaviour this academic year, I honestly would think no more about it.

I don't think a child of that age hitting is normal.

I agree, it's her job to tell you what happened and to be honest at 4 I'd expect a child to know not to hit or hurt another person and would be starting to question why they're finding that so difficult. Why they're getting overwhelmed in that way.

Obviously you're working on it at home but the school need to work with you to nip it in the bud so they're right to be direct with you about it. Especially if she got the feeling you thought they were making a mountain out of a mole hill. You need them to give you a full picture of what's happening at school and how your child is acting so you can take appropriate steps.

I'm with you OP. He didn't hit the teacher, he grabbed her arm as she was passing. Young 4yo's live in the here and now and he probably had something, in his mind, vitally important to say/ask. It's easy to leave a mark when grabbing and the TA should have stopped and spoken to him/dealt with it there and then.

He’s only 4. In Scotland he would be in nursery and not be having formal learning or lining up. Can’t you defer him for a year if he’s the youngest?

I have similar aged children and while it's fairly typical of children to behave like this with each other when unsupervised, it's really not typical that they would do it to a teacher or other authority figure.

That's not to say he's a villain, but it's absolutely correct that you would be informed and that he might face some sort of consequence in school.

Is a child grabbing an adults arm 'physical violence' these days? He only wanted to walk with her but didn't know her name and obviously did it a bit too hard. Is that violence?

Of course it's physical violence, what would you call it? I'm really surprised you're trying so hard to sugarcoat it and think it is normal behaviour. It's not normal for a 4 year old to grab an unknown adult arm and squeeze it so hard that it leaves a mark.

We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

"Gentle parenting" advice sites?

I think the TA and the school over-reacted. They often do tbh. He's only 4, and he was trying to attract their attention. She has a lot to learn about dealing with young children.

Some TAs have a lot worse than that to contend with.

At nearly 5 and a year into school, hitting in anger or frustration is not particularly common.
Do you respond positively to being physically grabbed in a way that causes pain and leaves a mark? I don’t.
I teach eyfs myself and I wouldn’t have walked away from him but there would have been stern words and perhaps a consequence for hurting someone.
This particular incident was perhaps not dealt with perfectly but you really sound like you are minimising his behaviours. Would you be happy if it was him being hit at school??

No it’s not normal to be hitting and for everyone to ignore it. Children do sometimes lash out, but you can’t just let them get on with it, they need to know right from wrong.

“Young 4yo's live in the here and now” so do dogs- again, they need training 😕😆

This is one of many reasons why children should not be in school aged 4. He's so little, and whilst hitting & grabbing isn't acceptable, he's clearly showing he needs more input, which I just don't think they can get in a formal, school.setting. Right now he should be learning through play in a nursery/home environment.

A child grabbing an adult hard enough to leave a mark is quite hard.

You sound intent on just brushing evening off due to age.
Young kids tend to do things like this when messing about, but developmentally by school age they really should understand standing in line and not reaching out to grab a teacher physically.

I don't think it's abnormal either?

This child is nearly 5. Yes I think at 5 that's pretty abnormal especially after a whole year of being in a school setting.

This is a child, not a dog. His behaviour can be worked on. Nobody is letting him get away with it, but the TA should have spoken to him at the time, or the class teacher should have done. Not some time after the event.

I don't think the main problem is your son. The problem is you, who thinks this is normal behaviour and "ok" for your son to do.