To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

4 year olds DO do things that would be socially unacceptable anywhere else. I have had snot rubbed into my skirt, been coughed at right in my face regularly etc etc. Some young children do also bite and hit. These things either resolve themselves with some support (because nobody can afford to let them continue) or they inform future assessments/intervention due to unmet needs.

Instead of being embarrassed about your child hurting someone else, you're here complaining that what he did wasn't a big deal. That tells you all you need to know about the type of parent you are op. At 4, he should know hitting is not acceptable. And I can guarantee you that being on the PS at 4 is why he 'struggles' to regulate himself. How utterly ridiculous- his consequences are no PS at 4!! At 4!

If you are concerned you should follow it up. Teachers aren't really the best people to ask.

No PlayStation for a week is harsh.

You shouldn't be punishing him as you are. That may well be why he has these issues.

sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset.

At the age of 4, he should be able to use his words 100% of the time. Your punishment is to remove access to the Play Station, maybe reflects on the fact that PS is likely the cause of his limited ability to process emotions and use words.

Maybe more human interactions are needed.

The TA is not over reacting nor are the school in talking to you about this.
Your DS needs to learn it it not ok to put his hands on anyone. It is not normal at 4 years olds to be hitting instead of taking.

A child leaving a mark on and adult generally takes some force, and that is not what the staff are there for. We need to change the narrative that school staff need to put up with this as part of their job, they don't.

You need to support the school and concentrate on helping your DS using kind hands and using his words. I would be mortified if my 4 year old DS had marked another person. He remembered the incident enough to recall it to you and can verbalise enough to recall it to you.

Is it just at school he struggles to regulate his emotions ?

On this occasion he didn't hit - he grabbed her arm. He's 4 ffs. 4 year olds sometimes do stuff they shouldn't! Away with your over-dramatic "at 4!! at 4!"!! And you can "guarantee" nothing!! How utterly ridiculous of you to criticise the OP's parenting skills on the basis of the little you have read here.

She literally posted here for advice, and she has implemented an over-excessive set of punishments. Get over yourself.

No I don't agree the teacher is making a big deal out of something small OP

They are telling you the facts because it's likely a repeated pattern of behaviour that has resulted in your son hurting others.

You want to minimise it because he's your son and thats understandable, but the reality is that you need to deal with his behaviour now. Work together with the school, not against them.

I work in a school and I agree the TA may have over reacted, surely she should know how to handle that situation, you talk to the child and explain that they shouldn't just grab someone but should put their hand up etc. However, you've also contradicted yourself by saying your son isnt violent or aggressive but will often physically lash out at others? Yes he is young but he should by now understand the expectations and the behaviours that are acceptable when at school. Other children deserve to be at school without being on the recieving end of physical outbursts, are you working with the school on how his behaviour is being managed? If you and the school are not on the same page it may cause some confusion for him.

He hits and kicks when others get his goat.

I suspect his version of events aren't quite accurate.

At 4 years old ?!! What does he play on it...... he's 4

I'm picturing a little 4 year old hand. How would they exert enough force to leave a mark? It must have been a pretty small mark!

Ridiculous, I’m sick of schools treating children like they are older than what they are. He’s 4 he didn’t do it angrily or start screaming shouting and grab her arm. He’s obviously made a mistake and grabbed her arm a little too hard, he didn’t bite or hit her. Poor boy, I’d ask them why the TA wouldn’t communicate with him and explain to him the correct way to get an adults attention. He doesn’t need telling off or punishment he needs guidance he’s bloody 4.

It's very unusual for a child in reception to be whacking and hitting.

Yes, grabbing a teaching assistant and leaving a mark would be considered physical violence.

I'd suggest organising a meeting with the teacher so you can have a united front - so you can be told each day how he has been and there will be a reward for good behaviour etc.

Assaulted? He might have been desperate for the toilet or panicking about something so he squeezed a bit hard. Stupid comment.

4 year olds aren't renowned for their skills of recall.

No PS for way longer than a week is actually what is probably needed here tbf.

He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset.

You're contradicting yourself as you’ve already said he hits. It’s not common for reception children to hurt staff and I’m pleased you’re supporting school with this by having consequences at home. Maybe consider if a play station is a-pro-ate for a 4 year old and may not be supporting his language development.

Where did you extrapolate the kicking from, pray tell?

Also it is very common for them to still hit in reception. Don’t fell like your son is the odd one out.

If you say so.

'generally' is the key word.

I work in school and see this quite a lot. It's more often the TAs on poor wages that are the targets.

My children didn't have any consoles until they were much older and my youngest (now 11) was about 9.
The girls have never really been bothered with the PS4 or Xbox but it has totally changed my son (when he's on it) for the worse. He struggles with making friends (though he's never been physical at school) and I feel guilty it's become his go to.

I do believe they have a profound affect on SEMH especially in boys.

I think it’s about context. He has a history of hitting, so being physical does seem to be something that he relies on when communicating; this needs to be addressed.

The TA may have reacted as they did due to a lack of confidence for one thing, especially if they’re new. We also don’t know if your DS was the 10th child to be physical with them on that day; it really is a possibility! I don’t understand the pulling out of assembly thing, long after the event. Bizarre!

What you could ask school to help you do is to keep an Antecedent Behaviour Plan which is about noticing what comes before the physical acts. Trust me, his peers are doing all sort of things that would be deemed socially unacceptable. However, everybody deserves to be safe at school and he needs support now.

They don’t have full self restraint until they are at least 7.