To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

I'm picturing a little 4 year old hand. How would they exert enough force to leave a mark? It must have been a pretty small mark!

Exactly, how much force to leave a mark. It needs addressing.

Not posting a thread about a school that's managing your son's poor behaviour?

What's the point of this thread? The school were reasonable.

They type of parent thay let I am? Excellent, I'm totally here for the mum shaming. I am clearly concerned about it and am trying to implement punishments. What should I be doing?

A 4-year old on a PlayStation?
I’m really against young children on consoles, having seen the change in my friends 7 year old son once he got access to one (albeit limited).

Please don’t downplay what your son did. I know he’s only 4, but it’s not acceptable to grab people and you’ve admitted yourself he has trouble regulating his emotions. I think he might have grabbed her in temper and that’s why the school are bringing it to your attention.

Oh but of course, it's not his fault...it's because the other kids were being mean to him

No, it's not fairly normal behaviour or ok for your child to hit anyone or to hurt anyone physically or otherwise.

Parenting is having boundaries for your children revolving around kindness, politeness and respect for other people.
Children need to know that certain behaviours like hitting aren't acceptable. You can't just keep explaining it away as "only 4/5 years old so doesn't know any better" - errm of course they do and it's your job to make sure you teach them boundaries so they know better.

You have been told what's happening, which I was, same type of behaviour. Please prepare yourself that this really isn't what is considered expected behaviour for NT children. You will be advised to look into possible reasons and support. Don't take this in a defensive way. It may be short term or life long issues, just try to engage and get to the bottom of what is causing it. Xx

He’s 4 and I would have been upset that he was ignored by the teacher regardless of how he reached out, he’s 4 and still learning. But I voted YABU as you seem to minimise the hitting behaviour and dismiss it as something kids his age do, I don’t think that’s true. You should be less flippant. On the whole the school have identified behaviour they need you to address and have been quick to communicate that to you. That’s positive!

Also, no 4 year old on the planet should be exposed to video games, regardless of what his older brother does! This won’t be helping his behaviour so find suitable alternative ways for him to connect with his siblings.

Aww, I can imagine how worried you must be OP
The TA better get over her shock sharpish! In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.
First child I was placed with (5), I used to go home black and blue!

Believe me it can happen. Xx

I think it is abnormal to grab hard enough to leave a mark.

I used to sometimes look after a 5yo who had behavioural issues due to trauma (friend's child not school). When she was overwhelmed she did sometimes find it helpful to squeeze hard something, and at times that was my arm. Yes, it sometimes left marks, but that was with her squeezing with all of her strength or putting her nails in. When she was playing, or grabbing me for attention, then she never did.

@Runnerinthenight

Errm, the OPs 5th post on this thread? She literally says it.

@Runnerinthenight

"He is not violent or aggressive but if someone upsets him or antagonises him rather than tell the teacher he just reacts which will either usually be a whack on the arm or a kick."

Oh FGS!

Sounds like you have a handle on your DS, OP. Though I think a week long punishment for a 4 year old child is probably overkill and will have no more effect than doing it for 1 night. It would have been far more effective for the TA to have stopped and immediately ask him to be more gentle than having a senior teacher tell him off later and you apply sanctions at home.

I hope they are also providing some advice and training support to the TA.

@Runnerinthenight

"If you say so"

To use your patronising tone...how is a PS for a 4 YO healthy, PRAY TELL?

The mum shaming on this thread is awful. I agree with you OP, the arm grabbing incident has been blown out of proportion.

However, hitting at your son's age is not the norm but at the same time it's not developmentally inappropriate. It only becomes an issue in countries like ours where young developing children are forced into formal systems like schools.

He is not violent or aggressive but if someone upsets him or antagonises him rather than tell the teacher he just reacts which will either usually be a whack on the arm or a kick.

This is an oxymoron. You need to recognise that his behaviour is sometimes violent and aggressive.

Don't pay any attention to the more judgey mums. Most of us are reasonable. Shit happens. The trick is to make sure it doesn't happen again. I've raised three to adulthood pretty successfully!

Gentle parenting sites would certainly have something to say if an adult grabbed a child hard enough to leave a mark, but the other way around, an adult starting a new job just has to take it...

Hallelujah. OP has answered her own question.

A 4-year old on a PlayStation?!?!?!?!

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are worried. While I dont think it is helpful to overly worry,
there are a few concerns here:

Your child is so desperate to walk with another adult that he accidently hurts the adult. He has no relationship with this adult. Doesn't know their name.

I dont know the set up but there could be another 25 children on the class? What if they all grab the adult? That's a lot of grabbing.

I would directly teach your son how to get adult attention without grabbing. Practise lots of times asking politely.

I would also ask the school (out of curiosity) why they think your son wanted one to one adult support going to assembly so much that this happened. (especially to someone he didnt know well.) Not excusing the behaviour but if you know the reason then you can work to try and prevent it happening again.

Also, every time he hits another child in school maybe have a short consequence after school. E.g. 5 mins of time given back to you before playing together to make up for the time you spent talking to the teacher. Hopefully the school are supporting him to apologise, rebuild relationships etc.

Hopefully this helps.

I don't think he needs punishing. I think he needs redirecting. A lot of boys have excess energy and it helps if they can run it off, literally, through sports of some kind or games of another kind. I think Eton school even introduced classes where the boys stand up during the class and can move around so they're not frustrated by being stuck in seats behind desks all the time. And they're a lot older than 4 where you're still learning your limits.

I say he sounds exuberant and I wouldn't want to squash this, just cultivate more of a sense of boundaries with other people physically and like I say, run off that energy.

It's not UNHEALTHY if played in moderation, dear.