To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

He’s four ffs, seriously have a word with yourself

i get a red mark from a tiny bump teacher is ridiculous

A whack, or a kick , are violent though....

Your punishments at home are over the top. He's 4 - he's probably forgotten the whole thing already. Just give him a hug and remind him going forward that we don't hit or grab others.

It is very unusual for a child to be removed from assembly. I've never seen it in the 10 years I've been working in schools.

I think if you are talking about an over reaction your punishments at home are really out of proportion. This is something that happened at school, so apart from talking to him very firmly about what happened and maybe modelling ways of asking for what he wants, additional punishment at home that goes on for a week is overkill. Do you expect the school to give him additional punishments for incidents that happen at home? Of course you don’t. Yes you are right to support the school, but don’t confuse the issue by inappropriate punishment at home.

I think this is all a bit much. He’s 4. I would be reluctant to punish so harshly. He’s impulsive and trying to get someone’s attention. The time to address it was at the time, by the TA - I think going forward I would ask the teachers to address it immediately as it is too late by the end of the day. This is not the sum total of who your child is; you are working with him and guiding him. I wish you all well.

It was handled all wrong by the TA, it should have been spoken about at the time! Children that age live in the moment, he would have been bewildered by the telling off he received some minutes after the event!
Speak to your wee one about being a bit grabby, then forget it x
Good luck

Please don’t let your four year old play on a PlayStation. Fast paced screen games like that have been proven to increase the part of the brain that reacts, causing impulsivity and inappropriate physical responses. Don’t take it away as a punishment; keep him off it for the sake of his brain development.

I have a 6yr old and a 3yr old, id be mortified if they did that. Hitting is never acceptable, it's to be expected at home sometimes where they're comfortable but at school? Hell no.

Time you wise up. He's four but he should know what's right or wrong. The school handled it the best they could.

Rather than worry about your son, you should be reinforcing their message and cracking down on his poor behaviour. That's one of your main jobs as his parents.

This!
My son aged 4 (going into reception in September) hits, scratches, bites and spits. He has an ehcp and 1:1 support based on his semh needs!

Im also a reception teacher and have never experienced this from a child. It’s likely this needs further investigation. Please ask the school for next steps and maybe a neurodev referral

What type of parent am I exactly? My older son has a ps5 and they play together. He plays Disney cars and Paw patrol at the weekend. Does that make me a bad parent if he's done all his reading and spelling etc?

A parent who won't address their child's poor behaviour and who would rather blame others and underplay situations.

No one's saying you don't care about him or aren't good in other ways. But yes, your approach to discipline and behaviour management is very off.

I have already asked both his teachers (it's a 2 teacher class) if they have any concerns about possible ND and they have both said no. They say that generally he is pleasant and well behaved in class but if someone is unkind to him he'll hit rather than tell a teacher.

It's never acceptable to hit, not at 4 even, he's been at school nearly a year too. Grabbing enough to make a mark is unacceptable too. Don't minimalize bad behaviour. Remember if your child hits out someone else is being hit and that isn't fair

If this was behaviour all children were doing the school wouldn't be alerting you to it. Your child will have been at school almost a year they should know rules and be able to communicate needs without hurting others. It doesn't sound like they are making him out to be violent simply keeping you informed on an issue they and you need to work with him on. What happens if a child is playing with a toy he wants and he doesn't want to ask would it be OK for him to grab and mark another child?

I agree with this.

If in any doubt, it's best to respond positively to behaviour and focus on how to move forward.

You will feel much better about your son and your parenting if you spend some time roleplaying social scenarios with teddies/soft toys than you will enforcing punishments all week.

Sorry but this is bullshit.

Schools aren't 'zero tolerance' on any physical contact. Yes, it's not advised never to initiate contact but if a child is hurt, in danger or upset, physical contact 'in the best interests of the child,' is fine.

TAs do a magnificent job for outrageously pitiful wages. Gone are the days when TAs would pop up a display or do some laminating. Most of our TAs are 1-2-1s for children with significant additional needs and get kicked, slapped and bitten on a regular basis. They do a wonderful job - they're not 'in the wrong job' but the job itself has changed beyond recognition. Yes, this is a very typical mainstream school.

I would be shocked if a child grabbed me hard enough to leave a mark and I'm a hardened teacher of many many years. I'm sure you would too.

OP - this really isn't normal for a reception child. Poking or tugging on an adult's clothes to get their attention is totally normal. Hurting enough to leave a mark really isn't.

I'm confused about how I am not addressing the behaviour? I've said that I know it wasn't right and that he is bring punished? What else should I be doing?

How do you know it wasn’t done in anger when he couldn’t remember when asked by a teacher? I wouldn’t stress too much about the event but obviously really focus on sorting out the hitting.

Children at 4 should be able to regulate their emotions without getting physical, above all in a school environment. He is not a toddler anymore. Certainly, he shouldn't be grabbing anyone by their arms.
Teacher and teachers assistants don't enjoy blowing things out of proportion so they can have a difficult conversation with the parents.
I would be quite concerned with this behaviour if this was my son.

They will do if they have older siblings or a parent who enjoys gaming.
There are plenty of age appropriate games available if so.

Playing on a games console isn't some massive issue if done in moderation and using age appropriate software.

Can you cite where the OP is "brushing aside violent behaviour"??? Have you seen the litany of punishment being doled out to this 4 year old boy at home, for something he can't even remember doing, in school?

You csnt say hes not violent or aggressive at same time as saying he whacks and kicks. Thats violent and aggressive. My 4 year old hits me and nursery staffbut not kids. He has many disabilities and additional needs and has mental development of age 12/18 months so i understand its hard

My son is ND and his teachers all tell me how polite and well-behaved he is. This doesn't mean he doesn't have issues with appropriate communication and interactions with others when he struggles to express himself.

He was clearly trying to attract her attention. Do people generally do that in anger?