To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

By saying its normal for children to mark teachers, It sounds like ur minimising, however u say he struggles with regulation and he has done enough Force to leave mark on ta. So he's obviously struggling , I would try to think the teacher is just trying to talk to u about how she and u can support him not assume she thinks a 4 year old is a violet thug!

I'd liked to have seen the 'mark'!! A 4 year old would have to have some grip to do that!

He grabbed her quite hard, hard enough to leave a mark.
Your son also now has a reputation for hitting, so there was probably an assumption that he lashed out.
There is a bigger picture that you are missing.

My guess will be that one of the children will hit him back quite hard, and your son will get hurt /upset and you will storm down there demanding something is done.

@Eshmee how much hitting are we talking? Has he been hitting in school? Did the teacher discuss the hitting with you today?

She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten

he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly

Either he'd forgotten why he did it or he didn't! I'm a TA and this wouldn't have even registered with me enough to pass it on to the teacher to be honest. I don't think this is anything to do with the hitting either. Those are 2 separate things and I agree the TA has over reacted

So, his punishments are age appropriate (I hope). He's not allowed to play the play station for a week and is not allowed any treats after school.
He isn't not a regular offender and is generally very good at school. He is not violent or aggressive but if someone upsets him or antagonises him rather than tell the teacher he just reacts which will either usually be a whack on the arm or a kick. I know this behaviour is absolutely not okay. I was glad the teacher told me.

I agree. Kids make mistakes and boys in particular take longer to learn to regulate their emotions. Do you think he may be ND? My son knows on an intellectual level that hitting is wrong but when he gets really frustrated or cross he finds it very very hard to regulate those big feelings.

Do 4 year olds play playsations?! I'm genuinely curious.

My almost 5 year old wouldn't know what one is. Although I suppose this is probably because he's the first born and my DH and I don't game.

You're punishing him at home for something that happened at school? That's most likely to be counter productive.

No it's normal for a 4 year old to hit, and even if it was, doesn't mean it's right.

Your child shouldn't be grabbing a TA's arm as hard as that.

Please tell me you are joking?

For a WEEK? A chat about why grabbing people isn't ok, referring him to how he'd feel if someone grabbed him like that. A reminder on more appropriate ways to get peoples attention... yes. But he's already been spoken to at school and told off for it, so you really do not need to do anything more!

If he's banned from treats AND playstation for a week then what will you do when tomorrow, he makes a small mistake, and the next day? He is 4... he is going to make mistakes. Harsh punishments like this will leave you no where to go and him feeling as if there isn't really any point trying to do right/be good/contain himself!

He’s 4 so I’m not sure what he’s ever doing on a PlayStation but no treats for a week is just daft. It’s the end of term, they’re all exhausted. It wasn’t ideal but it’s done now, it’s not age appropriate to string punishments out for a week.

Why not ask him to draw the TA a nice picture and then leave it at that.

If you really think he didn’t remember the incident by the end of the day I’m baffled you’re going to keep bringing it up to explain your punishment for a week.

My DC3 had a Gameboy when he was 4. Halfway through his degree now, and a credit to us.

He grabbed her hard enough to leave a mark - of course that’s not ok.

If he does that to another child, he could really hurt them.

This behaviour does need keeping an eye on.

But he doesn’t need to be punished.

A quick explanation about not grabbing or hurting people and perhaps an apology to the TA would have been sufficient.

If it happens again, then he’d need to be punished appropriately.

Not allowed any treats for how long? I thought it was bad enough you were punishing him at home but you're giving him multiple sanctions over a week? He will not relate this to the 'crime'. Are you not able to talk to him and guide him in his behaviour?

It doesn’t sound like the teacher overreacted at all. I would expect no child who has been in Reception for a year, to be hitting others. I would expect they would know they can’t just walk to assembly with any passing person they like the look of and I would definitely expect them to know that they shouldn’t grab hold of adults so hard it leaves a mark.

Unless, there is some kind of SEN.

Children are works in progress. Yes, in an ideal world, they wouldn't hit or grab people's arms, but it's up to the school and you to work together to guide him to this stage.

I agree that the school were right to tell you, but I would have thought it would be done in an "FYI" kind of way - "FYI, this was the behaviour, this was our response". I would have very little patience for an accusatory "OMG your son is unacceptably violent" type of response because little children often physically misbehave or fail to act appropriately and the school should know how to put the behaviour in perspective and have strategies to address it, otherwise they're pretty poor. I would have no time for a school that had histrionics every time one 4yo hit another. They need to be able to deal with normal child misbehaviour without getting it out of proportion.

Gosh, you are not doing him any favours for brushing aside violent behaviour. Teacher here. No, this is not expected behaviour for a 4 year old. Does he have special needs?

The punishments are overkill IMO. You’d be far better off putting your energy into keeping a record of any social communication difficulties and working through school-based scenarios with him, using a puppet/teddies etc in a really positive way. The fact he didnt remember suggests that he really didn’t intend to hurt anyone. Of course he can’t continue hitting or grabbing but actions taken towards supporting him with that would probably be better use of your time. You don’t want him to lash out more because he develops low self-esteem. Save the punishments/sanctions for when he KNOWS what to do but still does wrong- when you are sure he has been taught and supported positively.

I’m a SENDCo.

Hello, reception teacher here. 4, and at the end of his reception year, is too old for him to be suddenly grabbing out at a ta he didn't know and wanting to walk in with them. He should know by now that isn't how it works. He should know well that you line up and go in with your form. First few weeks of reception, understandable. Not at this point. Also, doesn't sound like he was struggling with his emotions here. Lashing out in anger is more common at this age, and lota of children are still working on it. BUT, that said, also sounds like the adults handled it really poorly!!! Absolutely no need for a senior teacher to pull him out and tell him off, and of course he'd forgotten by then. I would have expected that even if the new ta didn't know how to handle it and reported it, that the class teacher would just have reminded him what to do, and potentially support him to speak with the ta and apologise for hurting them.