To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

Younger kids often don't know their own strength. TA should have stopped and explained that he hurt her and asked what he wanted/needed. Teacher did nothing wrong relaying the facts to you. If she used some flowery language, ignore it. But definitely talk to your son about trying to use his words rather than just grabbing, especially someone he doesn't know.

Well I don't. They're all shattered at this time of the year, and maybe he was over-exuberant? We will never know though will we? Because it wasn't dealt with at the time.

Schools are pretty much zero tolerance on any sort of physical contact these days. In many ways that's a good thing, of course, and no-one should be getting walloped at work. However, the teaching assistant who was so "shocked" that she couldn't speak at being grabbed by a 4 year old...is in the wrong job and needs to grow up a bit. Perhaps she would be happier as a professional flower arranger or something, it's quite rare to be grabbed by a gladiolus.

Actually it can be normal. It's still within typical developmental bounds at age 4 to become emotionally disregulated and hit out. Not ideal and not socially acceptable, but not abnormal. There's a reason other countries start school at age 6. In America a child of this age would be in pre-K, not even kindergarten. As for "violence", he grabbed a teachers arm to get her attention before she could get too far away and probably misjudged the distance.

OP, my child was like yours at age 4. A year later and he has matured and these incidents are becoming increasingly rare. It's not uncommon for some children, especially boys, to just need more time to emotionally regulate. School can be an overwhelming place for littlies.

Did he go to nursery? @Eshmee

Has he been in reception a full year?

I can’t see how a 4yo could make a mark in an adults arm doing that unless he is huge. And an adult working in a school setting (even if new) should be prepared for children who need support with communication and social skills.

I'm sorry, but this is not typical behaviour for nursery OR reception. I teach in both and can recall being tapped frequently but never grabbed. I have children that age too. The new TA was most likely shocked at being grabbed and waiting to be spoken to with your Child's request. The school are letting you know he has a problem with physical boundaries, so you can work in partnership with them. It's not personal, they're doing their job to teach behaviour, safeguard staff and keep you informed. Support and thank them.

I'm sorry but at what point did I in any way suggest that this was okay? I do not think it is okay at all. Appropriate sanctions have been put in place and he is being punished at home.

This is why schools can’t recruit TAs. No one on minimum wage should expect to be hurt in the course of a normal working day. Parent your child and teach him tools and strategies that mean he doesn’t resort to lashing out. Yes he’s little, but they learn very quickly.

It sounds to me like they are conflating two situations.

As a TA, I often walk through school and have younger children ‘grab’ me. They mean no harm but know it’s the quickest and easier way to get my attention. Others will think it’s inappropriate but it doesn’t bother me at all, so if your son did the same, I’d just ask him what he wanted.

However, reception children generally don’t use violence/aggression with their peers to communicate. He is about to move up a class at school, so I would be looking at strategies to manage his behaviour.

I'd just like to clarify that he was NOT lashing out. He just wanted to ask her something and he didn't know her name so grabbed her arm. I'm not saying it's okay, just providing some context.

He grabbed her hard enough to leave a mark.
He has form for hitting at school and can't self regulate his emotions.
He was removed from assembly and dealt with by a senior teacher.

In the kindest possible way OP I think you're minimising and excusing his behaviour.

While lashing out at this age may be age appropriate at home, it certainly isn't at school and far from the 'norm'. Rather than seeing your son as a victim you really need to work with the school on how he can be be supported moving forward as this doesn't sound like a one off.

Why have you punished him? It’s clear from your messages that you think the school overreacted. He’s already been told off there. I agree with you - it is ott. Why are you letting random mumsnetters make you question yourself and then giving the poor child a punishment at home as a result?

While I'm not entirely disagreeing with your comment, he was removed from assembly and spoken to by a senior teacher because the TA and his class teacher failed to deal with the incident right away when it happened.

There was clearly no ill-intent there at all- he was trying to communicate. The issue is that he appears to have some differences in the way that he communicates. He has hit other children in the past, so it does need addressing and the incident with the TA was just part of a wider conversation. Once he is supported to manage this, he will have a much more positive experience at school which will reinforce these changes in approach (once established with him) even more.

When the school report these things to parents they have to use very careful wording which often makes things sound more clinical and less serious I find.
Reality is it’s not okay to grab anyone hard enough to leave a mark.

He wasn't lashing out but he still grabbed her hard enough to leave a mark?

The behaviour you've described of hitting, leaving marks, being disruptive and having to be spoken to by senior staff members does suggest this is a much bigger issue than him just wanting her attention. He's nearly 5 and he school have spent a whole year working on these issues, I'm curious at what point do you think his behaviour should be considered a problem?

If he’s in reception / foundation he is nearly 5, been in school nearly a year and should know by now that hitting / grabbing someone is unacceptable. He must have done it with a bit of force to leave a mark on an adult. (Did he scrape her with his nails by accident?).

all in all, the school is right to tell you and you should continue to enforce at home that hitting / grabbing is unacceptable even when feeling cross.

We don't know really know the circumstances and what happened and why. I'm just saying that this isn't a one off incident and so the focus should be on what strategies the parents and school can put in place to help the child behave appropriately and self regulate. Reception is very different from year 1, there are much higher expectations and grabbing, hitting and hurting others will not be tolerated.

Totally agree - that thought was running through my head while I was typing. There's no need for two punishments. I used to get into trouble for the most stupid things in primary school - think things like being sent out to clean the chalk off the duster (I'm old lol) without a stick to beat it off, and I did it on the wall of a mobile, that level!!) - and my mother would punish me all over again, before she even asked me what happened, when she realised how trivial it was.

Schools sometimes do make mountains out of molehills!

Is the TA supposed to stop and interact with every child who grabs her arm? He has a lot to learn about being in school or anywhere, were he to do this with some random person outside school it could end badly.

What does being punished at home look like? It’s been dealt with at school, beyond a talk at home I’d have left it at that.

School seem concerned it’s part of a pattern of behaviour and poor impulse control. You mention he’s been hitting, is that of other children or only the adults?

Yes that would be the sensible approach.

You are not unreasonable for questioning whether the school is overreacting, you are sadly unreasonable for thinking you’d get a fair hearing on mumsnet. there seems to be a swarm of 1950s matrons and headmistresses who flock and land on any thread like this, generally disliking little boys and always blaming The Mother regardless of whatever the OP has actually said.

You ask if the teacher is making too much of a big deal over the arm-grabbing, but it’s not just about that one incident, it’s about the wider picture of hitting that you mentioned. The hitting is not normal behaviour for a nearly 5 year-old. I think the school dealt with it reasonably.

I think so! She is there in a position of authority. He knew what she was there to do, but didn't know how to attract her attention. I don't see why he would do it so "some random person outside school". Totally different circumstances.

I can absolutely understand how a little boy of 4 might have tried to communicate with her. I don't understand how he left a mark, unless her arm was bare?