Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

I mean the early reply when someone says they just ‘don’t understand’ how you could possibly have had to work unexpectedly just says if all……no idea what kind of job that person has that they never ever ever have to do overtime or are the backup person etc and also can’t even imagine that someone else might have a job like that.

Some people really struggle to understand that other people’s lives are different. I’d just chalk it up to that and move on from it.

They sound like petty bitches. Don’t worry you haven’t broken a contract!

good friends would be more understanding

Are you ok?

But then she can’t win. Either she says can come in advance and then has to actually cancel or she’s honest and says she can’t commit to it until she knows what her work/life situation is.

She’s ‘bailed’ twice in 7 months out of numerous occasions - I wouldn’t say that was regularly bailing on them.

She didn't cancel three times in a row. The second occasion she said upfront that she couldn't go as there was a clash. They abd you have somehow decided to take that as a cancel. I dint know anyone who would call that a cancel or flakey.
'Day out next Friday?'
'Sorry no, have commitments'

How in your mind is that a cancel?

@lacefan
It wasn't even in a row. OP has made it clear she's seen them in between

I did too.

I’d be sat outside waiting for her to come out of her house for an hour- I honestly think she waited until I turned up to get ready. Another friend and I called her out on it and met up instead- this did correct her behaviour for awhile then she just stopped coming with us.

Either say no from the outset or say I’ll come if I can, don’t work around me/ make the plan and let me know. I’ll come if I can. I’m in that position with DD and DM health issues. We always go in groups so that everyone has a good time and nobody works around me. I always pay my way too and I’ll never agree to things like mini breaks. They understand.

What was the message they sent when you cancelled op, the one that prompted you to defend yourself?

Well with that attitude I expect that OP isn't too upset that you're not one of her friends.

There's no way I'd be one of her friends. I don't hang out with people who have no respect for my time.

I’ll still very much be instigating other stuff with other friends.

Do everyone a favour and stick to your "mum" friends. Because your attitude towards this group stinks (and interesting how they only became toxic when there were people saying you're the flaky one).

You don’t seem to have any respect for our time, as you’ve clearly not read the thread.

It’s so irritating!! People come on and have a go and clearly haven’t read much at all.

Funny you talk about respecting people's time as you've jumped in here without giving time to reading the OPs comments properly.

1. She was ill
2. She never said she was going in the first place as she knew she was busy
3. Work needed her

So ONE potential plan she could have avoided by saying no to work.

And these were over 7 months. And she say them in between.

If you think cancelling ONE plan for work in 7 months makes you flaky then I can't imagine why anyone would bother with you.

@RickyGervaislovesdogs

I’d be sat outside waiting for her to come out of her house for an hour- I honestly think she waited until I turned up to get ready.
Not sure how this is relevant to the OP

Either say no from the outset or say I’ll come if I can, don’t work around me/ make the plan and let me know.
If you read the posts you would know she did. The 'second' plan she was accused of breaking was one she said at the outset she wasn't joining in with

I’ll come if I can. I’m in that position with DD and DM health issues. We always go in groups so that everyone has a good time and nobody works around me.
Which is exactly what happens with the OPs group.

The only plan she broke that she potentially could have avoided was the third one when she MAY have been able to say no to work. I say MAY as we all know some employers are difficult. Some jobs are not flexible.
The first instead ill
The second one she was never going in the first place.

Over 7 months 🙄
And with meet ups in between

Cool. But this doesn't describe the OP so not sure if your point

I couldn’t be friends with a person that won’t respect that health, work and family come first.

It sounds like it’s just one person in the group who is angry with OP if she has other plans and declines an invitation though. I’d distance myself.

Yes I hate unreliable people, it really winds me up

Nothing worse than a friend who is unreliable and keeps cancelling.

You have to make an effort if you want to keep a friendship(s), otherwise people simply won't bother to include you.

It's a very simple fact of life.

She’s not unreasonable in the least if you read the full story

I’d love to hear what OP said that’s ended the friendship now, though!

@letsgoooo my comment was to another poster. It's called a conversation.

Honour your plans - or don't make them. Once in a blue moon, fine - but 3/5 times is pretty shoddy. I'd be fed up with a friend if they did this too. We all have busy lives and commitments but make time for people who are important to us.