Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

My kids ages are completely irrelevant to the discussion. I’m entitled to choose to spend my day off with them. They are my number 1 priority. Does it matter if they’re 3, 10, 14 or 18? I told the friends I couldn’t go that occasion so I did not cancel on them.

I was really upset when I wrote the post. I have apologised for not being clear enough in my OP. It seems to want to personally attack me. 🤔

Look, we all know things can crop up at the last minute and understand that. But cancelling three times in a row is a bit much. It comes across as flakey and rude. Personally, I would stop making plans with you because I would assume that you werent really that interested in meeting up.

Do you think being ill, choosing a day with my kids in advance, and having to earn money instead, are unreasonable reasons for not going to meet friends I’ve met up with on all the other occasions?

I can be unreasonable at times, like most people, but I believe I haven’t acted unreasonably these 3 times.

That’s fair enough. I’d rather they didn’t include me if I’m going to get a hard time for not being able to come.

Do you think being ill, choosing a day with my kids in advance, and having to earn money instead, are unreasonable reasons for not going to meet friends I’ve met up with on all the other occasions?

No, they arent unreasonable but if you know these things like work crop up last minute then you should pre warn your friends that you might not be able to go- give them notice that you are likely to cancel when agreeing plans, then they can adjust their plans accordingly. The problem is that you ARE agreeing to go and then cancelling last minute and it's exactly that that gives the impression of flakiness and it does give the impression of flakiness regardless of your intentions. If you manage their expectations of you from the start they will be less disappointed/pissed off when you cancel.

No, I told them Tuesday morning I’d spoke to my boss and got to work on Thursday. They were debating just doing lunch nearby, and I said I could meet them in my lunch break if they decided to do that. On Thursday they said they were sticking to original plan so I said - I hope you have a lovely day, really sorry I can’t make it.

After the first time when I was ill and they were off with me, I have told them subsequently I’ll come if I can.

If be interested to know what their 'really off message' was please op.

What did they say that prompted you to defend yourself and precipitated a big falling out?

Nobody likes it when a friend cancels, and if it happens regularly then it does become annoying. When it happens to me I always wonder if it's genuine. It makes you feel like a low priority. I think they'll stop inviting you now but maybe that's a good thing for you.

As a group of friends we meet to walk every Saturday. We only say if we are going that morning. No bother if you can't. Whoever is up for it heads off. Not a single issue with missing it..just come next week. There was only one occasion when one person was all that was available. If we are going on holidays we pop that up in advance but the day to day stuff doesn't matter. If someone misses a lot it's just their loss as its a very pleasant few hours but nobody cares. Some come every week, some now and then.

oh your mum friends understand, I see! You need to make sure your child free friends understand how much more important your time is as a mum. 🙄🙄🙄

I have instigated several get togethers. I’m free most evenings, and usually 1 weekday in term time. I won’t be instigating anything else with them now. The others are lovely, it’s one person who’s turned out to be ‘toxic’ but they have all known each other longer.

After the first time when I was ill and they were off with me, I have told them subsequently I’ll come if I can

Ok, so I dont think either of you are being unreasonable here now you've explained. I think people are very different in their expectations of friendships and behaviour. Some people (like me) need consistency and reliability in their relationships and cant do impulsive meet ups because we like to plan things and have things set. It makes me feel really unsettled to be constantly changing plans and from my perspective, rightly or wrongly, I start to assume people just dont like me when they cancel often- sure, it may not be true at all but its how it makes me feel, - which frankly, hurts.

Others, like you, perhaps, need more flexibility when making arrangements and dont see it as such a big deal and you feel hurt that people dont get that. I dont think either is "wrong"- but sometimes it's helpful to consider things from a different perspective to understand exactly why people are getting annoyed by it. Once you understand where everyone is coming from you can perhaps reach a compromise that makes everyone happy?

Yup, I realise in hindsight I should have turned down earning money and turned up. Or called in sick. You’re right, I am unreasonable.

This sounds like a lovely arrangement with no judgement if people can’t come. 😍

They understand that things come up with the kids. I say my time is more important than theirs. If they needed to do something with their family instead, I’d understand.