Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

Not always! I've got a chronic illness, it doesn't give notice of when I'll be ill so, yes, I've cancelled, loads.

Get a grip. I didn't realise how hectic life would be with kids before I had them, they are a whole other layer of complexity and guilt and I don't feel my childless friends would completely get it as they don't have them. That's not to say my childless friends aren't busy, or as important or their time doesn't matter but sometimes you cancel with kids, that's life.

A decent person would be understanding of that. But equally, if you are likely to cancel often then I would probably choose to meet you in a group or with at least one other person so that if you do have to cancel, I can still meet up with others as for me, it may involve arranging a babysitter which is a bit awkward if its going to often be cancelled.

Do people actually red them thread?

First time, OP was ill.

Second time, she hadn't even accepted the invitation from her friends, she just told them she couldn't make it when they were planning it. Therefore she didn't cancel!

Third time, OP had to work.

*read the

Typo…. I meant I didn’t say my time is more important than theirs.

I have not RTFT. I would never have a go at you, I would have just stopped inviting you after the third cancellation. I think it’s likely going to happen now with your group anyway.

OP I wouldn't bother trying to justify yourself to some posters. For a site created to support mums, they have a strange attitude to people who have kids to look after. I have a group of friends and we have a terrible job trying to find a date we can all make. If it's a walk and one of us can't make it, we just say that's a shame, hope you can make it next time.
Because, like your group, it doesn't stop the rest of us going. Could the toxic friend resent your presence? You say the others knew each other first, so maybe this one preferred it when you weren't there so she's being as unwelcoming as she can get away with. It's tough, you could probably do with some supportive uncritical friends. Is there any way of meeting just the ones who don't give you hard time? Or give up on the day time meets with this lot and look for a local walking group in your area instead, there's usually something around if you Google locally.

You've bailed on them three times in a row (regardless of whatever excuse) and are now saying "I'll come if I can, but can't be definite as something might come up".
With form for cancelling last minute and wishy washy "I might come, I might not" for potential future arrangements, can come across as you just can't be arsed.
Don't blame them for getting pissed off.
YABU
Edit to say I wouldn't have a go at you for it though, just stop bothering asking you anywhere.

Nope, because of the attitude of one person. I spoke up for myself and now it’s irretrievable. 😕 I’ll still very much be instigating other stuff with other friends.

YANBU

I don't like it when people are flakey when they've committed to something and bail for no good reason but that's not what you've been doing.

I don't think this is always "fair" because sometimes you have things going on which means you can't help but "flake" but some people simply won't see the point in a friend that's not very available to meet up. For some that's the whole point of a friend, someone that you do friend type things with and without that it all feels a bit theoretical.

You think she's unreasonable. I disagree.

She hasn’t bailed on them 3 times in a row.

She cancelled 2 occasions out of numerous over 7 months. The first being because she was ill and the last because she had to work. The other time wasn’t cancelling because she had said she couldn’t go in advance when it was first arranged. She’s also been on nights out with the group.

@Honeysucklelane

Bloody hell! I can't believe how much sh!t you're getting from people about this!!

You're 100% NOT unreasonable! You can't help being ill, wanting to spend precious time with your kids & having to work to support your family!

Christ, it's a meet up to go for a WALK, people! The others still went, nothing was spoiled, no money was wasted, etc. Life happens. You let them know as far in advance as you could.

These women do not sound like friends at all - I'd ditch them ASAP & not feel 1 iota of guilt about it!!

It wasn’t in a row, I’ve seen them inbetween.

@Honeysucklelane this comes up fairly often on mumsnet. The prevailing feeling from posters is that you are the very careless devil herself for every cancelling. But I disagree. I do t get wound up when friends cancel on me and they don’t get upset when I cancel on them. It’s just a relaxed easy going life. Being all uptight about who is attending a certain get together is frankly off putting. These are not my people. You’re well off without the huffy one and just keep on being friends with the rest. It’s different if you have bought tickets and it’s only the two of you but this was a bloody walk. Relax. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Apologies, must have missed that bit somewhere.
You still regularly bail on them though and say "you might come or you might not" so doesn't sound like they can rely on you for anything.
I don't really blame them for being a bit pissed off.

Same, it got too frustrating and bad for my own self-esteem to constantly get cancelled on/ let down.

That's definitely the other side of it. You start questioning whether they're actually too busy or trying to give you a tactful brush off.

After they were off with me when I was ill on the day, I’ve not committed the other times, I’ve said if I can ill come, then gave them a few weeks notice and 48hrs notice that I couldn’t.

You are cancelling or not committing to plans frequently. You are also not being very open/communicating clearly with them as to why you absolutely cannot attend/commit to plans with them, you come across as flaky although that may not be your intention at all. Be more open and explain to them better as to why cancelling is completely unavoidable, then they won’t assume you’re being flaky. It’s a communication issue as most friendship issues are. Saying I’m ill/had the kids/had to work doesn’t really explain to them that they are a priority in your life. They are left not feeling like a priority in your life and that is then not an attractive friendship to them anymore.

@catlovingdoctor - same for me. I was investing more in the friendship that she was. Her regular cancellations made it clear that our friendship was not as important to her as it was to me.

I didn't whinge or bitch about it. I simply told her that her behaviour was upsetting me and therefore, I wouldn't be making any individual arrangements with her anymore.

A couple of years later I found out that she does it to almost everyone. She now has very few friends, just acquaintances.