Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

My mother grew up in Motherwell. I think she thought this book would be a pleasant little trip down memory lane. I believe its quite hard hitting?

I'm older and probably boring. It hurts tbh.
Also the relentless desire to appear up beat and happy and " join things" is exhausting.

I have three grown up sons, all live away from home and we don't feel the need to be in touch all the time. We see each other a few times a year and always have a ball when we are together, they have their lives, we have ours but they know that I will always drop everything if they need me and they would do the same for me. My parents always gave me grief if I didn't call or write ( those were the days!) and I vowed never to do that to my kids. The other thing to bear in mind is that not everyone enjoys chit chatting on the phone either, myself, two of my sons and my granddaughter included! Enjoy the contact as and when without any guilt on either side.

I call my parents once a week, more if they've been ill or had tests (in 80s). To my shame, it's a chore. They have nothing much to say, dad is so moany but I know it means a lot to them and I know one day I will give anything to speak to them, once they're no longer here. My siblings call once a month, which I think is shocking. No falling out, they're just busy.

My own dd is at college and we seem to have settled into messaging every couple of days and a once a week FaceTime. It's more than I expected to be honest as I didn't want her to feel obliged to call. She even calls when on holiday!

Young people living away can be really busy.. They tend to have active social lives, are making their careers so working really hard, forming relationships. It's a lot, and they're still learning. Cut them some slack. They'll be in touch much more, in all probability, when they have children.

So why would they want to call you then?!

Because she doesn't want to seem needy? Or recognises that you're busier than her, and doesn't want to irritate you by disturbing you with chat?

They're my reasons for not being the one to initiate chat anywhere near as often as I'd like.

Mine are similar ages and we are very close. My kids still ‘need’ me quite a lot. I know when they reach mid twenties and find serious partners/settle down/travel/work in careers, their priorities may well change. Which is probably as it should be, hard though it is!

No I won’t.

This kind of comment is on my list of most-hated. I won’t miss mine. My parents are negative, selfish and dull and gave us a shit childhood. I call them out of duty and certainly won’t miss them. I can’t wait for not having to call or see them actually one day.

This type of trite soundbite misses the fact that not all parents are equal.

Some of these replies are quite sad. Really feel for the parents who live for the calls with their grown up children, not knowing that their grown up children are bored by their lives and what they've got to say.

Maybe it's payback for all the boring 'why is the sky blue?' conversations they had with you when you were toddlers??

My mum is retired. She has lots of friends and hobbies, but I can't say I am especially interested in them. But I certainly don't want her to feel under pressure to entertain me! I call from the car or while I'm doing a job in the house, so it's not a wasted hour.

I try to remind myself that one day I will ring her number and she won't be there.

And I would suggest to pp who are grumpy that their parents don't often instigate a call - this might be because they know you are busy, or know you are bored by what they've got to say, or fear 'being a nuisance.'

Before messaging/group chats were an option, when I was younger (mum lives with us now) we used to have a sort of arranged call and have a chat for up to an hour sometimes. Would a planned phone call or Facetime work?

Maybe start posting stuff that needs a bit more of a response. Memes and generic cute cats from the internet might (or might not) be appreciated when seen but not something they think they need to respond to.

I keep in mind any important dates they mention in passing - if they are participating in a sport or music event, throwing a party or going to one, going for a job interview or promotion, putting in an offer for a house, studying for an exam, going on holiday. I usually send a message saying I hope it goes well and another asking how it went. They usually reply with some photos.

We also recommend books and films and shows they might like, as that is something casual to chat about if they do enjoy them, which stops the chat from being like Question Time.

We also try (started in lockdown) to meet up a couple of times a month online to do a Zoom quiz. It doesn't always happen, but does often enough to make it a bit of a family tradition. Hard if one of your family is in NZ @adultkidsquestion as the time zones are so different, but if there is a family thing you all enjoy, you could try to arrange a family Zoom once a month.

It's hard though, I get it. Some families live close by and stay in and out of each other's daily lives. Others branch wide. Not connected with how loving they are. Some dysfunctional families are suffocatingly close, some loving ones are far flung. Ours is likely to be widespread. DS1 is moving thousands of miles away soon. I'm so happy for him but feel sick inside with longing for him.

I’m in a strained relationship with my parents in their 60s. They never phone me, have no idea what’s going on in my world. I message them chit chat on the family WhatsApp group but nothing heavy.

I actually think if you want to speak to your children, call them. Don’t expect them to know when or how often you want to speak.

My parents lack of contact with me has actually led to me feeling like they don’t care about me and cba.

@adultkidsquestion this, 💯! In my 20s I was busy being in my 20s, carving out a life for myself and being very carefree/ not giving too much thought to anything. It was only when I got to my late 20s/ 30s that I started making a lot more effort and now I chat to my parents once a week, minimum plus WhatsApp. Don’t take it personally x

In my experience this is really common OP, and no reflection on your relationship with your kids which is clearly good. At that age they’re just doing and thinking of other things. If and when they have kids you’ll likely hear from them a lot more, like your neighbours.

In my 50s. Have a son (30s) with a family. We get on great and very much love each other, i love and get on great with his partner and daughter.
Do I see or hear from him very often? No.
Does he live along way away? No. I could be there in 15 mins.
But they are busy. My son works long hours and once in its time for family. His SD has lots of activities around her sport and then there's everyday family stuff.
I occasionally post on whatsapp. Sometimes he might not see it for hours/day or so. Sometimes I know he's seen it. Sometimes a reply will come, sometimes it doesn't (Even if its a direct question!!)
However I KNOW he will contact me, if he needs us he KNOWS we will be there. We honestly have a great time when we are altogether and we are going away for a few days all of us (and there are few people I'd do that with!).
He'd never 'chat' on the phone but together he never shuts up. I think he'd be mortified if I questioned our relationship because of the lack of contact/calls.
It is what it is now, because of the amount of info 'out there' calls are not the catch ups they once were. My son, and friends kids rarely seem to use the phone in that manner, but neither do I now that my DM has passed.

We have for a few years had a daily ‘proof of life’ WhatsApp with my widowed dad. It’s probably him that finds his five children a bit much TBH so every evening he just sends us an emoji of whatever he feels like and we all get back with something. Usually an emoji or a GIF or a family photo. Sometimes some news.
Means everyone stays in touch with no effort.

Same here, 2 boys aged 32 and 30 soon , if I don't text they would never text, one visit us once a year and he live up north so I forgive him, the other one lives 5 minutes from us and hardly call or text. always saying, I ll try to visit you ,since he returned from the US after splitting with his fiancee. I am lost for words. never had any dispute or arguments still.

Why don’t you ring them once a week or fortnight for a short chat? Check it’s convenient first.

Invite your son over - don’t expect him to just drop in, text and ask if he fancies Sunday lunch at yours etc.

We video call in laws once a week and there’s brief messages on their WhatsApp most days. I don’t call my DPs often but we see them every few weeks and message on our family WhatsApp every day; just brief things like our Wordle score or wishing DNephew good luck in exams etc.