Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

How often would you call/message them op?

Establish a family what's app chat and post chatty stuff

I'm a few hours away daughter. I started to get quite hurt because my mother never contacted me, then I realised she thought for some reason that I should always be the one to contact her first. Why??

This is what I am wondering.

This! Our family chats rubbish all day. Just photos and thoughts. It's just rubbish but is nice to connect with different generations.

My mother still complains that we never visit, but we basically chat all day!

I might be able to help I don’t know.

anyway I don’t message my mum much. Loads of reasons but sadly I will admit the main one is she is so dull. It’s just really boring. It’s not a fun chat, it’s either a lot of questions so feels like a job interview or it’s just a monologue of filling me in on all the things happening in her life. I think at this stage our age gap is the most obvious it’s ever been - our lives are so different. I’m not calling you boring per se but I do think there can be a mismatch

I also have older children who haven’t left home quite yet but they are 20 and over and we all have busy lives I don’t see them in person that much now!

I still speak to them most days, outside of the house so by text message but based on my own experience of my own mum, I don’t ask them loads of questions and sometimes our ‘chats’ are silly banter on a group chat, silly memes. They don’t always reply. I’ve just tried to keep it as contact that isn’t always contact with an expectation that they care about my life all that much 😂 so I will tell my friends about things the kids would find dull and my children I just try to keep it very light and entertaining

Are you waiting for them to ring you? How often do you check in on them? What are your conversations like?

Part of this is usually a symptom of the relationship imo, I’ve seen several friends have strained adult relationships with their parents because their parents still expected them to be children but in a way it needs to have morphed into a friend ship at this point and be a two way street.

Young people don’t like talking on the phone anymore FYI. A family group chat is the best way to stay in touch

Family WhatsApp all the way

Post videos, memes, updates etc.. sometimes only gets a thumbs up 👍 reaction but it's communication and connection.

Sometimes it's a week between proper conversations (on the phone or in person) with my mum but we know we're all still alive

Yes, we do have this. I post jokes and meme's etc. They rarely do the same though.

I've 2 DC, like you get on well with both, both live within a 15/20 minute drive away.
One I've recently started helping with childcare so see weekly but before that it was as and when.

On top of our private WhatsApp groups we have one to keep in touch with as a family but certainly don't hear from them weekly unless I ping off an "everyone ok" message.

I know if needed they'd be here but equally I like to think that they don't need to feel they have to be in contact every day.

I don't call often, but I do text regularly. I am almost always the initiator.

well, dont do that, its really annoying, takes up loads of space and time.

Send an intersting photo of your day once a week, or something.

I think it’s kind of normal? I hear from mine when they need or want something 😂

OP I messaged my mum a lot less in my 20s, I was just busy and thoughtless. In my 30s and once I had dc in particular I was never off the phone! It might just be the stage of life they're at.

anyway I don’t message my mum much. Loads of reasons but sadly I will admit the main one is she is so dull. It’s just really boring. It’s not a fun chat, it’s either a lot of questions so feels like a job interview or it’s just a monologue of filling me in on all the things happening in her life. I think at this stage our age gap is the most obvious it’s ever been - our lives are so different. I’m not calling you boring per se but I do think there can be a mismatch
I could have written this! It sounds awful but I feel like I ring out of duty rather than because I particularly want to speak to her and then I have to find an hour in my diary to listen to a monologue of drivel about the neighbour's new car, or how early the supermarket delivery came, or a blow by blow account of everything my nephew did when she saw him, and anything she asks me is like a spanish inquisition (and she's often been told about on previous calls!). I don't know what people must talk about who talk daily, or maybe my life is just a dull repetition of work, gym, eat, sleep, occasional social event??

Found it tricky when DC first left home to get the level of contact right. Too much, and you feel like a stalker. Too little, and it turns into Questiontime about what's been happening in their lives since we last spoke!

We do have a family Whatsapp and selfies from the dog, recipes, or silly memes usually elicit a response but I'm conscious not to contact too often as they get on with their lives and careers.

DD here. I live in a different country to DM. We WhatsApp most days and talk on phone 2 to 3 times a week. I was calling her everyday, but she said it wasn't necessary, (I'm obvs the boring one)

DS lives about an hour away from DM and she calls her every couple of months and sees her probably 6 or so times year. They have a strained relationship.

I know someone who calls her DPs several times a day, and pops in most days. The DM is not the nicest person in the world, so I'm not sure why she has such regular contact with her?

I think sometimes it's personality too. Even in my friendships I find there's some where I'm the normal instigator and then others where I'm not. I do ring my mum most days to talk nonsense but it's more because sometimes she isn't well and I want to check in because I'm not geographically close. She would never ring me unless there was a specific reason. I wouldn't overthink it too much and just keep doing what you're doing and focus on the other things in life that keep it interesting and fun. For me it changed when ds came along as well we have a lot more contact since then.

This in my 20s I was an “adult teen “ and was too busy living my own life to deal with my mum now I’m in my 40s and have kids I message my mum constantly… actually I think inpiss her off sometimes as it’s too much 🤣🤣

You have a secure attachment and they have happily left the nest as long as you don’t burden them or interfere they will come back

I think different families just have different relationships. It doesn't mean they love you any less. It could also be that you have two children and that's impacting it? Of all my friends, the ones who are closest to their parents (I.e in touch the most) are the ones who were only children. Not sure why.

My mum and I walk our dogs together so I see her every day. On the rare days that we don't walk our dogs together, I'll usually call her. And we text throughout the day. But I am an only child, so I am naturally very close to my parents.

My best friend speaks to her parents maybe once or twice a week. She has a sister. She loves her parents just as much as I love mine but she's just not as close.

I think it's important to separate closeness and love. Just because you're not in constant contact doesn't mean they don't love you or don't care!

They are probably dealing with their own lives
(which they didn't choose).
Simple.

I am very close to my family when we see each other (about 3x a year). Always there for each other etc ring a lot if there is a crisis I miss them but we just don’t message much? We just get on with our own lives. I call my mum maybe once a month? (She lives 300 miles away.) my oh rarely calls his mum. He loves her but he is work focused (wfh all the time) so just doesn’t think. I feel guilty about it but if I make the contact she messages me all of the time and it’s too much for me (I’m not in that much contact with my own family).

maybe it’s just where they are in their lives? I contacted my mum more when I had kids in my twenties I just didn’t think to but we don’t live close to each other.

it’s really tricky as part of me feels like I want more communication I love them all. But time just passes by so quickly.
I don’t know if this helps at all but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you.

That would drive me spare. Inane chatter