Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

There must be a reason.

Being friends for decades doesn’t mean you know everything about their relationship. Don’t judge her.

OP, do you really want them to feel compelled to make the weekly "duty" phone call, because that's grimmer than grim, and guaranteed to kill the relationship.
You see your son pretty often, they know where you are, everyone gets on - all sounds good to me, and a nice, relaxed vibe.

With the son who lives an hour away just offer to take him out for dinner once a month. If he is only an hour away that is easily do able.

I echo what many others said - in my twenties and early thirties I was too busy having fun, and I didn’t want to have to report back and explain my every move to my mum. Now I’m older and have DC of my own, we talk a lot more- it’s like I wanted to prove I didn’t need her, but now I want and seek out her advice !

Because older people often have the sense that younger people ar annoyed by their “intrusions”. Perhaps you should raise the subject and have an honest conversation about it. Your mum might be over the moon that you want her to contact you more often. Just be careful what you wish for.

I'm 30 and call my mum most days, at least a few times a week to chat and natter away. If we don't call, we end up texting about something or other. She's my mum first but she's also a person I really like and find interesting and funny, I enjoy her company and conversation. I wish more people fostered 'friendships' with their parents, especially once they are adults.

My dad sometimes complains that we don’t ring home enough, that he used to ring his mum every day. He has forgotten that he really wasn’t a very nice dad when we were teens (working shifts, understandably tired, always angry, nothing good enough).

My mum was fine but she was never my friend. We never chatted. In my twenties they weren’t interested because my brother had a baby and I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, they are interested now and we get on ok, but we are at the other side of the country and I just don’t feel close to them. They do things like ring at 9pm on a Sunday when I have uniform and lunch to sort. When they call, the questions are super generic. When I have something I’m worried about they just say ‘you will be fine’ and don’t actually want to get into details. They don’t care what I watch or like reading or do.

that sounds so harsh, but in reality they want us (my brother too) to give a lot, but never realise they didn’t build that kind of relationship.

i always answer when they ring and I ring them at least once a week. My dad is ill now and I feel bad I can’t do more, but I am really exhausted with working and school age kids. It’s just hard.

Very very normal in your 20s to withdraw a bit from your family whilst you’re getting on with your life. I’d say it’s healthy, really. Shows they’re rounded, well adjusted adults with busy lives. And if your daughter is in NZ the time difference is probably playing a part.

Only an hour and you see DS 6 times a year thats appalling
My DB lives 1.5hrs form my parents and works 16 hour shifts in Medicine. Yet he visits once a month sometimes a week at a time and calls every other day. As the daughter I am super close to my Mum and we speak nearly everyday. The days I can't is because she knows I am super busy dealing with the kids.
I live 4hrs from my parents and we go to them 4 times a year and they come up to us 2 times a year. If I was an hour away be there twice a month for sure!

I guess every family is different.

^ This!!!

To anyone who think it's boring etc talking to their parents on the phone.
Remember one day they won't be here.
You will then wish they were on the end of the phone.

I try not to @Catnipcupcakes , but I do feel sorry for her parents. Im pretty certain that they haven’t done anything, she just says that she doesn’t have time. But she can text me regularly. 🤷

@PassingStranger Yes, that’s why I make an effort with my Dad, I’d give so much for five minutes with my late Mum. 💐

Why do they think this? My Nanna used to ring me all the time.

I can only speak of my experience which is I try to speak to both our parents as little as possible and I'd prefer to love the opposite side of the world from them. I have alot of childhood trauma from abuse so I'm not sure I even like my mum, my bio dad died and I found out when I was 20 that he didn't think he was my dad, he was but was a shite dad. Mt step dad hurt us so that's why I do not speak to then often, we are so different and I do absolutely everything to give my children the best chances.

Mother in law annoys me because if you tell her anything it's gossip around the family straight away. Plus none of them prioritise seeing us or the kids, they see us if they end up being free. So we don't prioritise them, and certainly don't tell any of them about our life. I have to prepare myself for seeing them, its difficult. There's obviously alot more to it, but for your own daughter to not he bothered about speaking to you, there must be something amiss.

MIL contacts DH daily via chat and vice versa and they talk every other day on the phone. She lives 2 hours away and is older and makes effort to drive to see us. I wish my mum was like this.

My mum is opposite and lives 30 minutes away. I always have to instigate contact otherwise she will never call and never message. In-person visits are frequent enough from my end (2-3 times a month), considering she doesn’t reciprocate. DH and I have a small child and we both work. When I was pregnant, she didn’t bother to travel 15 minutes to meet me for a coffee after work (I work mid-way between our places). She didn’t check in on me and the pregnancy. It’s always me reaching out.

OP, I think your kids should put effort to reciprocate contact. Maybe gently let them know you’d like them to contact more. You seem like a nice mum reaching out and visiting. They are lucky kids!

Because we have the sense that younger people are too busy with their exciting lives to be bothered with us.

I suppose I never intuited that this might be the case because my beloved grandmother rang me whenever she felt like it and I was always thrilled to hear from her. My life is hardly busy!

Shows you’ve done a good job. They can function fully as adults without you. My advice would be to never make them feel guilty for leading their own lives. The fact you all get on when you see each other suggests you have a good relationship.

I think this is a valid point. But I was reading Deborah Orr's 'Motherwell', and she said her parents never contacted her because she was seen to have 'done wrong' by going away to college and therefore had to be the one to 'atone' by keeping in contact. That's the attitude mine had.

(It's an amazing book, btw, I heartily recommend it, especially if your mother was difficult...).

I don’t speak to my parents much because the older they’ve got the more judgemental, moany and right wing they have become. They also barely do anything, just read the news all day and get angry. I can’t deal with the negativity as I find myself getting negative and judgmental when I’m around them and don’t want to be like that.

I just had a a quick look at MIL FB page and she recently posted a "a mother will love you more than your partner and children ever will" post.

It's so passive aggressive. It puts me off getting on touch with her.

So sorry OP can understand why you feel the way you do. Whilst you have a happy life a good marriage and friends, you are not being unreasonable to want more contact with and from your children.

The difficulty is children make their lives often far from their original home these days. I know exactly how you feel about the group chat I have tried similar and get little or no response which I try not to mind about but to be honest it hurts a little.

I don't know what the answer is other than to concentrate on the areas of your life which make you happy and enjoy your time with your children when you see them ❣️.

@Nelle96 My late Mum was exactly like this, very supportive and waved me off when I decided to work abroad, for example.

But, she said that she’d like to hear from me once a week, please, and I think it’s fine to set an expectation like that. My DD (19) is at university over a three-hour plane ride away and I’ve said that a quick text a couple of times a week is all I need, and she respects that. She normally texts far more tbh and calls every 7-10 days for a catch-up.

I think it’s fine to politely ask for regular contact. If they value you, as I did my Mum, they’ll make time.