Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

I'm 37, with two teenage kids and a full time job. Every so often I get the passive aggressive message from my mum letting me know I've not been in touch for a while. Or, I can just tell from the tone that she's starting to get the hump. I'm not insinuating you do that OP, just painting the picture of my situation.

I love my mum. I would consider us close. But my life is very full on. I am pulled five different directions at any given time. Checking in with a fully grown, healthy, independent adult more than every once every week or two just isn't on my priority list. My mum only works very part-time now and I guess she has more time to sit wondering what we are all up to.

When I get 'the tone' I make a point of popping over for a visit but it does make it feel less of a pleasure and more of a chore. I think the thing that annoys me most is that I remember 20 years ago when I was living at home and my mum used to complain about my gran harking on about not seeing her and how busy she was and why didn't my gran come and visit her for a change. She's lived my life but has now forgotten the reality of it all.

Must admit our two adult DS rarely contact us and we hear more info from our two DIL's generally.

We have a family WhatsApp group and send the usual nonsense but my DH posts on that a lot more than I or they do.

I know one DIL phones her mum several times a week for a chat and visits often but the other one rarely phones or visits her mum.

Thinking back to the days before mobile phones, I rang my mum about once a fortnight, my other sister rang her weekly as did one brother and the other brother probably rang her about twice a year. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can relate OP. It's also changed over time and situation. Family group chat was a disaster, just me posting and usually no responses. Older DD used to be very uncommunicative, but now has got into a habit of phoning 2-3 times a week on her way back from work. Younger daughter, who's always copied her older sister, also now does this. She does it for safety as well as works late in a bar and calls on her way home. Basically they've found something practical that works for them. The frequency is nice as we can talk about everyday things and it's not a big deal.
My own mother never calls, and if I call her she often doesn't answer or call back. We talk maybe once every 2 months, which does make me sad, but she's never shown much interest. In fact the situation with DS is similar!
I have a set appointment with my MIL and call her at the same time every week, she's a great woman. I'd love to have this with DM and DS, otherwise weeks can go by, but neither seems too bothered. if I was more resilient I would just do it, agree a time and call them every week or two, but it's hard not to lose heart. Having written this all out, I will do that though. Life is too short not to have a proper relationship with loved ones, or at least not to give up!

Interest will reappear once there are DGC - so then lots to talk about and lots of photos.

Oh I agree 100%. My sister and I just roll our eyes these days.
I've confronted about things before - I'm the only one in my family who does it - but ultimately, little changes. Pick your battles and all that.

I'm sure one day I'll be glad that I'd spent that bit of extra time with my mum. That's what I tell myself when I'm blowing smoke out my ears trying to cram it all in anyway!

My mother in law says the same about her son. She doesn’t seem to realise a phone rings out as well as in.

Family WhatsApp is a game changer. Mine are on it all the time. Just posting daft stuff or photos. I think I probably asked too many questions previously which felt like a chore to answer. It's easy to just post a pic of a photo with a silly memory, they love that!

I have one adult son (25) and one still at home (15).
We have a whatsapp with the 3 of us which is quite fun but not very busy.

DS1 will initiate chats if he has something specific to talk about, or ask me. That will then move naturally into a more 'what have you been up to' catch up.

I will sometimes send him a image of a strange animal (I work in genomics) just because.

When he was going through a dark period we made an agreement that he would check in with me at least every week or I could ping him after than time. Just so I knew he was OK, and he knew I cared.
It's different for every family. It helps me to remember how I was at 25 (no mobiles) and it was kind of tedious to call my Mum (sorry Mum!) as I was busy 'living my best life' or whatever they called it in the mid 80s! We always had a good relationship and we got much closer again when I had my first child.

Stop texting and pick up the phone.
You need to make an effort to be close to children in my experience. A text is just too distant (in my view)

I have noticed there are A LOT of entitled mothers that feel they are owed phone calls, and visits etc. No one is owed anything.

If you are interested in their lives, support their endeavours, laugh and enjoy your time with your dc they will be present, but the effort MUST go both ways. It is not the duty of the child to call and visit, it really isn't. Relationships should be equal.

We keep in touch via a family WA group chat, used by everyone several times a day. I call my dds regularly and do not expect them always to call me, but they do when they can. We text rarely now, as the family group chat keeps us all connected.

Do you initiate contact with them?

I'm in my 30's and whenever I speak to my mum it's me contacting her.

I think she thinks she's doing me a favour, not bothering me etc, but really I wish she'd just call!

I think it's normal, especially with sons. I am the adult child in this scenario. My mum lives close and I see her often anyway, but she is more likely to ring or call first. If she hasn't heard from me in a while, she will call me. I'm just not very good at keeping in touch, with anyone. But as I say, I see my mum a few days a week usually anyway, so it's not often that we're out of touch.
My DH doesn't call his parents, who we don't see often. But then again, it's a two way thing.

This just isn’t the millennial or gen z way. Many of them actively detest speaking on the phone and making it feel forced is even worse. I would always ask before calling to be honest. I feel like we have to know and understand the younger generations to know what they will like and engage with. Mine like stupid memes now but they will probably change to something else as they get older. I have to adapt with them not them adapt with me as I am probably not going to change that much apart from become more boring

Yes, this is what happens here too.

It is a relief that we are not too involved in their lives as we have busy lives ourselves.

I don't need to ask to call mine. They are 20 and 17. They pick up if they can otherwise call me back later or when they can. We are very relaxed in our family, everyone calls everyone. We never need to book an app for a call, it is not a GP service. My kids love the fact they can chat to any one in the family in a second or two, someone will always be available and glad to hear from them.

Cat selfies are my main method of communication with young adult children

As a student, I got into the habit of phoning home once a week (monday night). Mum told me that I had to (and I was an obedient 18 year old), and I still do it 25 years later. I find it works well to have a weekly phone date and to know there is going to be a call for a quick catch up. Sometimes it is a 10 min call, sometimes 30+mins, but knowing there is a schedule means I don't wait until something is a big deal but can just keep in touch.

would something like that work for your family?

Oh god no, don’t do that. The horror. My dd is 21 and would react with utter horror if I randomly rung her. She just wouldn’t answer. I think generally younger people hate phone calls (so do I, I’m 43). Message yes, but don’t put pressure on anything.

I speak to my mum on the phone pretty much every day. Very often just a thirty second chat with me checking she’s ok and whether she needs anything (she’s not in the best of health and we do her shopping/sort out medication etc) or her telling me I’ve got a parcel (she’s my delivery address). But lots of times we have long chats about all sorts of stuff. I like her. I’d be happy to be her friend if she wasn’t my mum. It’s normally me who calls her, but I don’t mind. DH sees her more than I do because he’s always dropping off a cake or a puzzle book for her. I make the effort to call because she’s getting old & knackered and I worry about her laying on the floor with a broken hip for three days if she falls and nobody checks on her.

DH’s parents are much younger and much further away and a good 2-3 weeks can go by without them speaking. They have a family WhatsApp group but it’s only the young nieces and nephews who post in it when they’re bored. They mainly confirm they’re still alive by liking photos on FB and his mum posting the odd message asking when he’s coming home 🙄

Difficult when people have busy lives and getting the balance right can be hard.

I empathise OP. It's usually me who maintains communication. Both DDs lead very busy lives. It hurts sometimes, no matter that we have fulfilling lives ourselves.

I ignore my mother if she messages or calls as she's a toxic bitch. I panic if my dad calls as step mother is very unwell and I may have to drive 6 hours to see them, or worse.

They are still very young, in ten years your situation will be similar to the OP and you'll be chasing for the contact.