Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

OP, when I was in my 20’s I was the same as your children now. I was just so busy with work, friends, plans, dating, etc etc - I’d sort of remember at the weekend to call Mum!! I’d often get a text asking if I was alive. I think it can be normal for some in their 20’s; it is quite a selfish decade!! I didn’t necessarily always want to see her with a stonking hangover either where she’d ask ‘how was your night?’ and I’d have to think of some lie rather than ‘it ended with me vomiting my kebab in to a bin’ 🤣

I am now almost 40, two kids, and I’m the same as your neighbours daughter - see mum constantly. Our relationship has changed so much as I’ve gotten older and had my own kids and we do a lot together. I really enjoy just hanging out with her! My sister has been exactly the same. Hang in there! They’ll come back around 🩷

I was in this position with my late mother who then complained whenever I contacted her (on a weekly basis) that I should call her more often. I felt once a week was fine really as she very rarely contacted me.

Mine are 19-23 and all live away from home, two at uni. I hear from at least two kids almost every day. Sometimes all of them will message. I don't speak to them every day it might just be a message. I see the oldest and youngest quite often, every holiday for the youngest but the middle one averages every three months. Thank goodness for FaceTime!

I don’t really contact my parents much, part of it is laziness and part of it is they are quite judgemental/set in their opinions so if I started “confiding” in them about anything I would get back a load of bollocks or dumb advice I didn’t ask for! Any topics like trying drugs, depression from being lonely and not feeling part of anything, suspecting I might have autism because of my weird noise sensitivies and being unable to hold eye contact, not wanting kids but feeling like life is pointless, lack of any sex drive with husband but fancying random blokes…..is just not things I would want to discuss with my parents 🤣 then our chats are just “How’s life, how’s work” “yeah great, bought a top at the weekend, got my hair cut” and general boring chat which I cba with. I love human connection but it has to be genuine and meaningful and I have to be able to be myself, and don’t feel like I fully can with most family members.

I also HATE busy whatsapps groups with shite posted all day, the constant notifications drive me mad and I haven’t joined my husband’s family’s one for that reason.

I do think sometimes those of us with adult children worry about being thought needy. I know I do! But as so many other people have said, a family WhatsApp is a godsend. You can post a message or a picture or something and people can reply or not as they choose. Ours was insanely busy last night for the election. And it'll be busy again the week after next when DD's going to Italy for work. It's a good way of stress free keeping in touch. We're also in a Wordle group so that means I know they're still alive every day!

My DH’s family is very scattered and they started a weekly Zoom call during the pandemic. They’ve kept it up because they enjoyed having a weekly chat and catching up with everyone (he has several siblings).

You could suggest something like that so all of you could catch up-over the weekend to allow for the different time zones. It doesn’t need to be weekly, maybe a couple of times a month if they’re available.

I’m in a similar boat, OP, I know it’s a sign that we’ve done our job well but it can sometimes feel a little sad. I just make sure there’s always something in the diary to meet up, keep on with the daft messages (and photos of the family dog, that often works!), and get on with my own life.

I live 8 hour time difference from my mother. We don't call/chat much - I have a terrible sense of passing time and could have talked to her the day before or the month before and not realise the difference. I love her, like her, happy to see her. I am not chatty anyway and don't have much to say - not to her, to friends, DH, if it involves the phone.

She also says that my sisters never hear from me. They haven't called me more than a few times in 20 years either. Again, love them, like them, enjoy their company. Just not communicative.

I'll be going to visit for a month over the summer. We will all enjoy it.

Make sure when they do call, you sound pleased to hear from them. My Mum used to start every call I made in my 20s and 30s by remonstrating with me for not calling more often - it made me dread calling, so I would want to call even less.
Now (in my 40s) I have a weekly slot when I call Mum for about 30-60 mins (which eats into my day off but I usually do the dusting whilst talking, so I don't feel I'm getting behind) and the certainty of a routine seems to help Mum not be always demanding more.
Whattsapp groups are great for touching base / keeping it light through the week too.
I feel sorry for Mum as I know she just wants that closeness back that you have when your children are little (mine are mid teens and already I can feel them stretching away from me) but I think we have to accept the relationship dynamic changes as we go through life. You can't demand your children's time and attention, any more than you can demand anybody's.

@ClamFandango Since my elderly Dad has been widowed, he likes me to ring him every day, you can imagine how much time that eats up. 😂 He needs the emotional support. Luckily he gets on well with my teenagers and they chat to him as well so I can get off the phone sometimes!

My mum is not in the UK. I call her once a day, every day and have for years.

Maybe your children want you to call them. They may be so busy with kids and jobs that their day gets away from them. I would at least make sure you are reaching out to them as much as they are contacting you, unless they tell you otherwise. Try having a candid conversation where you tell them that you don’t want to smother them, but want to still chat with them regularly and ask them how often they would be available to chat.

When I lived a couple thousand miles away, my mom and I talked a couple of times a week and texted about as often. We called each other regularly. I now live less than twenty miles away and we haven’t had contact in months. I noticed within a couple of month of moving here that she had completely stopped initiating calls and texts. I even addressed it with her that I felt everything was becoming one sided and that she wasn’t reciprocating contact. She said there wasn’t a reason and she would, but she never did. I’ve finally dropped the rope and stopped chasing her for a relationship.

I work more than full time and have several children. My mom’s retired and spends most of her time playing games on her computer. I always made time to talk to her and she frequently complained about having nothing to do. The last time we spoke, I told her that I can’t be the only one reaching out and I need her to be the one who initiates the next contact. She agreed, but hasn’t called or texted, so I can only assume that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Before the pandemic and while in my 20s I would call my parents 1-2 times a week and see them twice a year.

When I had kids we would see each other more often and speak a bit more often.

During the pandemic we spoke every day.

Now every other day.

It depends on where you are, what the family needs and dynamics are.

If it's bothering g you have a talk with them and establish some routine that works for everyone. Sometimes people get in inconvenient habits and it's a discussion away from sorting it out. :)

@Maia77 My problem is that my Dad talks a lot!

My mum never calls me just for a chat or to see how I'm doing anymore. I don't call her that often tbf, but it's always me doing the initiating. I think she feels like she doesn't want to bother me (full time job and young children) but I wish she would call me more - even if I can't answer at the time - just so I know she wants to talk to me. She refers to my younger sister as her 'best friend' (I'm not active on Facebook so she thinks I won't see this I guess) but I occasionally go on marketplace and see posts between the two of them and she speaks to my sister every day. It's killing me 😞

Good for you, supporting him within your limited time resources. It's hard when there is a real need, but we do it because we love them.
However, grieving widows aside, if they just need to get their own life, but want you to supply meaning for them, it's infuriating!

@ClamFandango It would be nice if I could cut it down to less than a hour though. 🤣

My mum doesn't. I mean I want to talk to her ad she wants to hear from me. It's not out of duty, it's out of love. But my mum isn't emotionally needy, doesn't need a sounding board and has never used emotional blackmail. I'm quite lucky that way.

People are different. My SIL speaks to her mother at least once a day. I would normally speak to mine once every two or three weeks. It doesn’t mean I love my mother any less, but I have never felt the need to be in constant communication about everyday minutiae.

I personally want my mum in my life. She's one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important.

My relationship with my parents was getting worse and worse over the years. It was bad when we were children. Inconsistent, rules and expectations, inconsistent enforcement of said rules and varying reactions to following or breaking rules. Especially my mother would blow hot and cold with in her reactions to our actions, decisions or lack thereof. I never knew where I stood with her.

My father was more predictable and I also knew I could go to him whenever my mother sad no. He had his own temper issues, but they were easier to predict and no longer scary when he lost much of his strength. He would sometimes warn me to stay away when my mother was in one of her moods, but not always. I never knew what I walked into when visiting them or when I spoke to them on the phone.

In the end it got so bad I cut off all contact.

So, OP, I don't know how you can be closer to your children, just don't quilt-trip them, interrogate them, judge them or try to tell them how to live there lives.

Connect with them as fellow adults instead. That's all I can tell you.

I am the "away daughter who never calls"
I'm about 500 miles away, have been for over 25 years. When I was younger I did call more but recently no, not so much. I work and have 2 DC. DC1 has some MH needs and DC2 has ASD, PDA and EBSA. It takes so much time and effort every single day to get DC2 to school that I have to work evenings etc to keep up with my job.
So a lot of the time I think "must phone later" then I'll get home, catch up on work, make tea, deal with whatever arguments or emotional needs there are, housework/tidy up etc, then before I know it it's 10pm, too late to call so "I'll try again tomorrow".
I've just realised the last time I called was Father's Day (at 9pm after another one of those days!). But also the only time they ever call me is with significant news (of the "someone is seriously ill" level) or "DCs birthday is coming up, can you get some presents and I'll send you money".

OP, it’s perfectly normal! When your children are young and without family of their own, they are out and about with their friends, socialising and living their lives. Once they settle down and you have grandchildren, I think you’ll find you hear from them a lot more. Just make sure you keep up the communication your end - even if they don’t respond, they will read it!

Unless there’s a rift, I think it’s good for both sides to make some effort to keep in touch. One of my friends hardly ever bothers with her parents, who were so supportive of her growing up (I know, because we’ve been friends for decades). She doesn’t value them, tbh, which is rather sad.

Oops