Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

People just get carried away with their own lives, and before you know it, days have gone by and you've not even thought about talking to your parents.

As bad as you might feel, this means you've raised them right. They're happy to go off and explore on their own. They've spread their wings.

Think about what life was like before social media, before you COULD message 24/7. It wouldn't have been an option.

Could you perhaps arrange a time each week/fortnight to actually call them, rather than just mindless texting? If you do this, you'll all have more to talk about.

You shouldn't make your kids feel like talking to you is a chore, and if you constantly expect more of them, that's what they will feel.

I live abroad from my mum and we WhatsApp maybe twice a week and speak on the phone/video call once a week... almost all messages instigated by me, but the chat time slot is set in stone.

It’s a tough one. I have a very close relationship with my mum, but probably only speak once or twice a week. Each time i initiate the call, but that’s because I work shifts and she doesn’t know when I’m working. However we message most days, initiated by both of us. This is not a hard and fast rule, I just think that’s the routine we’ve got into.
surely if your find that this isn’t working for you, you could initiate change? I appreciate you couldn’t just nip to your daughters, but you could suggest zoom or teams video calls. With your son could you not suggest meeting for lunch or perhaps doing something together, like a class or the theatre/cinema.

We are visiting our DD very soon in NZ. Defo a lot to look forward to, cannot wait!

Gosh ...every family is different. My two only live 5 mins away and we chat all day.
Even if its only to ask what you having for tea lol.
I see them about 3 times a week too.
I couldn't go a week without seeing my Grandkids.. even though eldest is 19.
Sorry l can't offer any help.
We are all different.

I message my mum most days and see them once a week.

My husband barely speaks to his parents because they are dull and have nothing in common.

Hurtful.

YEARS ago when I was a single lady living in that London, my mum, aunt, gran friends, would write letters, send cards, postcards, which was lovely, read at my leisure, my sister too, away at Uni, letters, on blue airmail paper-I loved the rustle

Then married with children, mum was phoning usually about 6/7, peak child /family time which I found stressful, unnecessary calls obsessed with trivia.

See, OP, we move away, our lives are different, let them communicate at will.

but then, my own daughters communicate daily, one from the Caribbean,
one from 70 miles away, photos, comments, etc., on our Whatsapp group

Our lad is more elusive, will phone occasionally, often a two hour conversation,
appears occasionally on Whatsapp, had plenty to say this morning for instance ha ha

No news is good news

Tnere are good comments ^ as usual, yes you are worrying unduly.

I was the same in my 20s. I was caught up with work/socialising and didn’t call my parents very often (though we were still close). I’m in my 30s now and contact them almost every day for a chat. If I lived in NZ I probably wouldn’t be calling every day though

Me too.

My chats with her are unspeakably dull, or combative (because she is incredibly judgemental), or both.

We stick to WhatsApp. She sends me memes and instagram reels and I acknowledge them with a 👍, or we talk about the weather.

I wish it was different, but this approach is the only way to keep the peace - we have drifted light years apart.

My MIL does this and it's the most insane boring stuff or photos of her face up close and I just don't want to look at that or respond to drivel
My husband reads and ignores.

Honestly, we don't really contact them because we have nothing on common and MIL is too full on for us.

This was me in my 20s. I had nothing in common with them. Saw them more when the kids were little, but then the focus was on the kids. My dad likes to talk at you and tbh, I don't need to put up with that as an adult.

I've tried to be more fun for my kids, so they don't scuttle away and forget about me when they're older. Both my parents saw a lot of their parents, but then, we all lived in the same town.

I don't hear from my daughter 300 miles away very often tbh. As you say we have a lovely time when we do get together. We do have several what's apps set up with various family members and occasionally chat there.

@Whothefuckdoesthat great post, killer last line, thanks

Possibly because you’re more busy than she is?
My DC are working, driving kids to school, dance, football etc. helping with homework and a million other things while I have sod all to do. I don’t like to interrupt them when they’re busy.

My DS (23) & I WhatsApp most days ... we nearly always say 'good morning' first thing and 'goodnight' at night ... plus the occasional comment during the day along the lines 'what are your plans today?'. Not exactly riveting stuff but just keepin in touch. We did the same when he was overseas for a six month work trip. We have a separate WhatsApp for messages for the three of us (including DH) plus he contacts DH separately as well. We usually have a long phone call by arrangement at least once a week.
With a bit of prompting he will also call his elderly grandmother for a chat every couple of weeks which gives her a lot of pleasure.
We meet up at least once a month too. Live about two hours apart.

@SOxon Please tell me you’re not my MiL and have recognised my description! 😁

I talk to my Mum at least once a day, WhatsApp usually a couple of times a day for things that don't warrant a call & see her at least once a week. We have a family WA group too.

My brother WA her daily, speaks to her a couple of times a week & sees her usually every 10/14 days.

I’m old and I detest talking on the phone. We have loads of WA groups with my two DSs ( mid 30s): nuclear family, with DILs, just me and them, just them and their dad, individually. They’re in constant use BUT weren’t when they were single and at uni or in their 20s. We’re a much bigger part of their lives now and I love it. Barely a day goes by without sharing something.

I’d be a bit more proactive and keep it light. Today we’ve done election results, plans for the Bank Holiday, childcare arrangements and moaning about the weather.

This makes me sad 😔

I don’t speak to my parents as much as I should . My dad lives at the other end of the country , my mom lives about a 30 min drive away. I never ignore their calls ( sometimes with my dad I miss them as he calls late at night , is a drinker - and I love him to bits but the conversations are very one sided and sometimes if he’s drank they don’t make much sense and they last hours - I do feel guilt about that sometimes as I never actually call him , due to his work hours and not wanting to call in the evening in case he is drinking . I haven’t seen him for 2 years and I feel like one day I’ll have a lot of regrets ) .

With my Mum , she has in the past got very upset about how little her adult children contact her - this is usually when she’s single as when she’s in a relationship I don’t really hear from her but I don’t mind as I know she’s happy . Again , I never ignore calls or texts I always reply and I do text her first - we used to be so close when I was younger .

It’s just time. I work full time and have children and I never have a minute free . Weekends are just full , as my husband works 6 days and Sunday is the only day we have as a family and on Saturdays I have clubs etc for the kids and I don’t have a car . When I had the car , I would see her more .

I would say it is normal , but I feel sad now at the thought of my parents feeling like this 😔

Your trip sounds great op, and really something to look forward to! As a mother I think you should feel proud that you raised a young woman so secure and confident she was able to travel around far and wide, and still know you are there. As hard as it is, it is their life and we want them to have fulfilling and interesting experiences.

I often think we don't know the full story of others lives, your neighbours dd might be suffering a terrible divorce or dv and may feel sad further down the line that she didn't do something more interesting with her own life. We only get a snap shot of that period of time, and we can't know what is behind the constant visits of your neighbours. Co dependent relationships are even worse!

So be glad that your dc found their wings and are not stuck in your spare room and not experiencing life for themselves.

My mum is my best friend so I maybe have an odd perspective. I ring her everyday. We mainly bitch and moan about our days, tell eachother work gossip or chat about the wider family

We live far away though, so I sadly only see her a few times a year. I have to chat to her everyday though! I want to

No! lol, but I enjoyed your well written essay, made me smile

Good job they didn’t decide to stop bothering with him when he was a child and boring their socks off with talk of whether Ivor the Engine was better than Mr Ben.