Adult children not calling or messaging often

[adultkidsquestion]

I have a son who is 29, who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who is 28, who lives in another country. We all get on well, no fallings out or anything like that. I see son about 6 times a year. And now will only see my daughter once a year, or maybe once every 2 years - she is in NZ so very, very far away. We are actually going to see her in a few weeks time.

They don't call or message very often though, and I was wondering whether that's normal? But when we do see each other we have a lovely time.

Anyone else in the same boat? I guess I sometimes feel a bit forgotten about. I don't need them to do anything for me - I'm not elderly, I'm only early 50's and keep well, fit, active etc. I'm not lonely either, I have a lovely DH and some nice friends in the area. So in that sense, they know they don't need to check on me, in the way that I, for eg. have to regularly check in with an elderly parent.

We have a family WA, and I play Wordle every day and me and Dsibs send each other our results. It’s an easy way to feel connected without pressure…

My Ddad will complain that my sister ‘never’ calls him, but she sees him at least once a week for lunch or includes him in excursions etc. But he won’t think of calling her.
Hes the same with me, I’m in another country but ring once a week-ish but if I don’t he wouldn’t call me. Every now and again I do t check in for a couple of weeks, and he moans about it but never calls!

at your kid’s ages, I didn’t really think to call my parents unless I had something to organise etc…

No, I won't be. My dd lives in Scotland (800 miles away) and we always hear from her. Families are all different.

So do you mean you want to have actual phone calls? Most people now (it seems to me, and I’m one of them) don’t like making phone calls. It’s ok if you have particular things you want or need to talk about but a non specific call (usually with awkward gaps) is not something even families particular like. I have regular text communication with my son but I’d only phone him if it was important.

I'm on the other side of your situation and the more they try to contact us, the more stressful it gets. And the more I want to push them away.

They know we're incredibly busy, and phone calls are difficult for us as we can't drop things we're in the middle of to take them. Yet there's still endless guilt tripping about it. Yes, we could call you back at a time that's easier for us, but that's probably going to be midnight on a Thursday or something. Other communication methods are easier but then it's non-stop, you can't post something on social media without ten notifications and a message as they do about every interaction possible.

Multiplied by up to 4 people, since it's 4 parents. God only knows how people with step parents cope.

And the conversation is always really random stuff about people we've never met as if we know them really well, or what's growing in the garden or whatever. I don't understand why there's an important need to tell us that when we're really busy. Or what the loneliness is about when you have a partner, more of your own friends than we do, church people, volunteer club, allotment club, all the rest of the 20+ family members, grandchildren, people who live nearer and all sorts.

It's so exhausting. And the more interaction that happens, the more that's seemingly demanded, which makes me want to run away more.

I'm the child in this scenario and I have no doubt my parents think we have a great time when we meet up or communicate, however... there's a saying that goes something like "how your children treat you when they don't need you to survive is a direct reflection of how you made them feel when they did need you"

Two sides to everything. Their experience may not be yours.

Op you could always host family parties, BBQs, afternoon teas etc. I find that family events are really fun and can be very bonding. How often do you invite everyone to your house for lunch or dinner? Family parties etc?

We have a tradition that goes back a long time to make time to 'play' together, and share happy times. These relationships can become a burden when there is no light or fun to be had, and it all becaomes a terrible bore.

Bring some colour and fun back into the family. Organise something, check what dates they are free and then start bringing your dc closer to you by making it enjoyable.

My dm complains about this too. My Db is in Australia so she reckons she can’t call him because it’s too late by the time she ‘pulls round’ in the morning (has breakfast, smokes multiple fags, takes an hour to get dressed/wash). Crazy. He hadn’t phoned for weeks until I persuaded her to phone him. She thinks that he should contact her because she’s old. She is almost incapable of using her phone despite being shown multiple times. Drives me nuts. I’m like ‘You got broken fingers, you can’t pick up the phone?’ My brother has 2 jobs and is often away for work.

I think the WhatsApp group is a great idea. It’s a lot less time consuming to send messages. I have to have an hour set aside to phone her, it’s not always obvious when to do that.

I’m pleased for you but please be aware that there has been a massive shift in the way younger people communicate and for a large majority of society a lot of people do not like speaking on the phone. I don’t have an opinion on this I am just letting you know it’s a thing, and it’s really common so it’s highly possible that just calling someone up doesn’t get the reaction you might expect.

I always ask if they are free to talk, and often so do my sister and I with each other. She will ask me if I am free to FaceTime her kids. It’s just common courtesy IMO. If it’s not suitable then we can arrange a time to talk.

side note: number of times I had my mum calling during toddler meal/bath time was enough to put me off ever calling randomly without checking it was suitable!

I think that many people in their 20s are rather self absorbed to be honest, and take their parents for granted. They kind of assume you'll always be there.
I'm in my 40s and don't phone my parents as much as they'd like. I think they'd like weekly calls (or more) but in reality I probably call about once every 3 weeks. I really love them and am very close to them but there are several reasons for my lack of calls:

1. I just don't really enjoy talking on the phone anymore. I don't really call anyone. Most of my communication is done via WhatsApp.
2. I feel time poor. What with work and kids and housework, there are never enough hours in the day! When I do get 5 minutes of free time I feel like I need silence and solitude. I'm a real introvert.
3. whenever I call my parents we talk for about an hour. In some ways this is lovely but it's also tiring for a time poor introvert! You may say if you called more frequently you'd talk for less time but I don't think so, knowing my parents!

To make up for my lack of calls I WhatsApp several times a week and visit every couple of months. They're 7 hours away so it's not easy to see them but I make a real effort because I love being with them.

If your kids really aren't communicating at all (including on WhatsApp), I think I'd have a little word and just say you'd love to hear from them more.

Tell them you miss them! Don’t just post a joke or a meme, say hi kids mums missing you, what you up to this week / day etc

Ah yes, the “we haven’t seen you for xxxx long” comment……well the motorway runs in both directions and you’re retired……

My older DS ( 30) lives overseas. He calls me faithfully once a day for a quick “welfare check”. He has been doing this since he left home aged 18.

DS2 ( 25) will respond to my WhatsApp messages to let me know he is alive and will phone for a chat once or twice a week.

I have one son in his 30's now who lives about 150 miles away and a second son who lives about 2 miles away. I have a DD who lives about 110 miles away. Obviously I see my DS who lives local to me the most. I see him every week usually twice. Sometimes he invites me for dinner or I invite him to dinner with DH and I. Sometimes we go out for a breakfast together. I visit my other son about 5 times a year and he visits me 2 or 3 times a year. When I visit him I usually stay overnight and take him and his gf out for a meal. Sadly I only visit my DD 2 or 3 times each year and she visits me 2 or 3 times. What I do with all DC though is text once or twice a week. They send me funny memes sometimes or old photos. I speak on the phone with DC who live away about once a fortnight. I send them things through the post occasionally. My DH visits ds 150 miles away more frequently than I do as he needs to be in the same city for work. We all have a family WhatsApp group.

I don't speak to my parents very often, I call them about once a month on average. I do like them! And I had a nice childhood! It absolutely doesn't have to be an indication of kids not liking their parents. It's just that as others have said, much as I love my parents and talking to them is nice, but not exactly exciting. I have also moved around a lot, so also have friends in other places that I try to stay in touch with, and it all requires time. Time that I would often rather invest in doing activities or meeting friends in the place where I live now. I do try to whatsapp at least a couple of times a week, but I know it doesn't make up for the lack of calls.

My mum used to complain I didn't call, but I had realised she never phoned me ( and I rang once a week). So I did a little experiment where I stopped bothering, to see if she would ring instead. It's been 17 years...

My mum has forgotten how draining the perimenopause can be as hers is long past. Nobody checks in with me because I'm the "OK" one.

I don’t speak to my parents much. My mum will keep in touch but we don’t really have much to talk about so it’s difficult and I hate small talk. My dad I rarely hear from but he remarried 10 years ago and I know there’s a family WhatsApp with our step siblings and that side of the family that he is in but my brother and I are not included in. He’s very much been absorbed into a new family. We chat maybe a few times a year or at the odd family event. Just giving another perspective from the side of the adult children

If you think they 'should' call you because you are their mother/old/deserving
then that is the issue here. Expectation versus reality.

If you are calling, organising family gatherings, making lots of of effort to be upbeat and interested in your children and there is still radio silence for years, then you have my sympathy and I guess you can never know what kind of people your children will turn out to be.

Thanks everyone. So it seems pretty normal then! That's good!

There is a lady who lives opposite me, who has 2 daughters, and both daughters have had babies in the past year or two. Those daughter's and the grandchildren pop in most days - sometimes for help with childcare, but sometimes just to go for a walk. Seeing this really drives home to me how little contact I have with my own kids, I think. But maybe that would be stressful to have so many visits!

That must be very hard op, and painful. Why not organise something special with your family to look forward to?

Yes the whatsapp is great ours are all of the dog lol. Op I dont know maybe some arent great for chats. I dont ring my mam much she 80s its all negative and what the priests did this week. But we all different. My kids still live here so the messages are more about college or train pickups etc.

Could you ask them for lunch

I think it depends on the situation. When I was in secondary school. I had this routine with my mum where I call when I would come from school whilst she was at work. This pattern continued throughout my adult life although much less frequent contact.

Could be totally wrong, but I think you lay the 'normal' with the relationship you had with your parents/in-laws.
I have to say I'm not brilliant with communicating with my DM, but DH has always been regularly in touch with his parents, so mine see it as the way it is.
My eldest two are a similar age to yours, one overseas, and I think some form of communication takes place each day, usually a WhatsApp or a photo etc. to me or DH.
I'm always surprised on here when people say they don't hear much from their DC, then when asked, go on to say they don't include their own parents or in-laws in family interactions.

Honestly, I think you probably need to reflect on whether or not tour behaviour, attitudes etc. have contributed to this.

My mum would tell me all her drama and fail to ask about me, but was equally hurt when she didn’t know about my life in detail. Was a tricky dynamic and I ended up not speaking to her much, because I found it draining and sad.

I have one or two friends who speak to their mums all the time - every day. But it’s very gossipy about the other family members, and drama-fuelled about their marriage etc.

It might just be a natural thing to only speak to your parents occasionally?