To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

You want to bring a man into your child’s life who has got social services involvement with his own kids not once, but TWICE, has been given parenting courses and who chooses you over his kids.
You are also considering forcing his kids onto your kid and possibly another you have between you.

Lady, take a bucket of cold water, tip it over your head, look at your own child and stop this foolishness immediately.

Agreed. You don’t have to know anything else about exes or SS. His priorities aren't right.

The fact he's choosing his girlfriend of only 9 months over any opportunity to see his child is telling. And the fact you don't find that appalling is VERY telling!

Why is your bar so low OP? Why would you introduce this kind of dynamic to your own child? He is the common denominator here with both his children open to children's services. He has to undertake parenting work? So his parenting causes concerns. How much time does he spend with your child? I would be very worried. He is not a good dad and you are being lovebombed and bullshitted. Ring the LA and ask them to tell you if they would have concerns for your child being around him. Also Claire's law and Sarah's law as an urgent priority if you want to continue a relationship with this prick.

Prioritising dick over kids - it’s a common theme on MN it seems

So many red flags here and sadly I don’t think you have been given the full back story.
🚩SS don’t get involved unless they have to - their case loads are too heavy to do “nice to do’
🚩SS involved in 2 cases ????
🚩Choosing to spend time with, you a relatively new GF rather than with his DCs
🚩 The common denominator with SS involvement is him
🚩 Another service becoming involved for him with parenting work to do
🚩 You have never met the BM but describe one as “unhinged” based on what he has said presumably
🚩 There is a pattern of behaviour which will sadly be repeated if given the chance.
🚩 Relationship only 9 months old, easy to put on a “show” as the caring / lovely / wronged party

In case you're having a bit of a preen, OP, that this man is 'choosing you over his children', he really isn't. He's choosing not to be a parent. Big difference.

It's up to you what you do with the information you have, it's not short of detail. I hope that for your own child's sake you will put them first rather than this abjectly pitiful excuse for a human that you've decided is anything like 'partner' material.

You can do better. Actually, 'nothing' would be a big improvement than being with this twat.

I'll happily hold my hands up as being judgey because I wouldn't be lining myself up to be a third BM under any circumstances. And that's not even taking into account: SS involvement with both(!) children and prioritising dating over seeing his second child.

He strikes me as the kind that is absolutely lovely to you whilst your playing the mating game but once you're living together his true colours appear and he is awful.

Children with two other women under his belt already and you're considering the possibility of having a child with him.

That's totally abhorrent to me and shows a cavalier attitude towards the children he's already fathered and is an absent parent to them.

He should be having the snip not squiring another woman to add to his trail of distraction.

Take the rose tinted spectacles off!

Massive red flags

He needs to choose his child over going away for a weekend with his latest girlfriend.
Poor kid.
He ex may not be able to just 'work another day'
Also social services?? Red flag

If you have friends who know his ex, why dont' you get the inside story? And what have your friends said that has niggled at you?

The red flags are huge here. Social services involvement, in two separate cases, and a man who while supposedly fighting to see his child, chooses to go out with you rather than see them? I would sort of understand if it was a long term planned trip of a lifetime, but just for an evening or a random weekend? Nah, sounds awful.

OP, you chose a bad partner last time, don't make the same mistake again. He seems too good to be true and there are lots of red flags - do what the others suggested and get a disclosure under Claire's law.

"I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it."

Sorry @sunniedee but that's exactly what several people (inc his family) say about my ex...he comes across as Mr Perfect and Hard Done by Dad, but actually, he was abusive to both me and our child AND his previous wife and their children...that's why it happened to him twice, it was HIS doing, not ours.

Trust your gut, as difficult as it is (as you can see I was also once in your situation), and then add in him choosing to spend time with you when he could have seen his kid...nope, not good at all. Get yourself and your DC out of there, or it'll be happening "to him" for a third time.

They are offended at everything. Who cares if OP referred to them as BM, at the end of the day this is the birth mother. Nothing to be offended by. I fully agree its just Mum and not BM, but I couldn't get my knickers twisted over it.

OK...

Ex partners are probably not the most reliable source of unbiased information about someone, but when 2 or more who have had babies are saying / showing the same thing, then it's probably worth paying attention to.

@sunniedee

You’ve written a lot without saying anything but the crux is you barely know him.

Can you imagine having less contact with your children after social services intervention, and then going away with a new girlfriend rather than spending time with them?

It’s difficult without any actual context but he doesn’t sound like a person I’d want to be with.

also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

What have friends been saying?

Pay more attention to that. He’s still letting you have the ‘best’ of him. That won’t last. I wouldn’t want someone who cancelled seeing his kids so he could see me. Ignore at your peril.

Listen to your friends .Tell them you are having doubts - there is probably more to tell you that they’ve held back from disclosing.

Listen to your instinct - the alarm bell is ringing .

As others have said you can do Claire’s Law and Sarah’s law checks . Do not just ignore this .

Op should prepare for a visit from ss and to gain the title of unhinged mother nbr 3

This! My god, OP. 🚩 waving wildly.

Usual red flags:
-A crazy ex (and he has two!)
-Negative involvement of public services/the law in previous family life (You know about social-services finding him wanting, but have the police also been in this? Have you used Claire's law?)
-Arriving on the scene after a recent break-up when someone is most vulnerable and susceptible (you had just separated from previous partner)
-Love-bombing at the beginning of a relationship -usually lasting until pregnancy. (You do sound amazed at how perfect he seems.)

Your DP chose to spend time with you - his new love - rather than his children.

(Would you do that to your child?) Perhaps he is very good at 'new love' but not established relationships. What will happen to you when you are not the 'new' love any more?

Social services - who know the whole situation and have experience of the whole range of childcare - think his parenting isn't adequate and that the problem is enough to require help from services that are stretched to breaking point. Is this a good choice of father for your child or any future ones?

Dont know where the op has gone. Maybe to meet up with the GF of that ‘cheeky ex wife’ thread to discuss their poor, hard done by men who are walking red flags to everyone but them…

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this.

Ex is quite rightly trying to meet SS expectations. DP should be supporting her and doing the same himself. He should prioritise seeing his kids, and let you down if there is ever a conflict. He is not being a good father, or a constructive co-parent.

BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

Most jobs don't work like that! Do you really think that your love life is more important than DP being flexible so his Ex(es) can earn a wage that will help support their shared kid(s)?

It's chilling that you both you and DP think your social life, love life, sex life takes precedence over the wellbeing of his kids.