To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

The threshold for SS to become involved is so high. For them even to have had any conversations, they must have had significant concerns. I battle every day to try and get SS to look into cases, and they always say there’s no role for them.

For this to have happened twice CANNOT just be unlucky

So he's prioritised seeing you on days where he's been granted contact with his DC? Red flag. If he was such a good father he wouldn't be letting things planned with you stop him from seeing his child.

^ This.

OP - it's very well known now that women who leave an abusive relationship have a very high chance of getting into another one unless they have had therapy.

I suggest you throw this one back (hes not lovely) and have proper counselling before dating again. The Freedom Programme might be a good place to start.

You're best not to use BM, it's a MN ick. Only acceptable if the child has been adopted.

2 crazy ex's, 2 SS involvements. Prioritises a girl friend of a few months over seeing his DC. Yeah I'd be worried too.

These are always enormous red flags with flashing lights on:

1. Calling exes unhinged/psychos/etc
2. Putting women/dates/relationships above spending time with children

not to mention the social services involvement.

I’d have run already.

I am guessing baby mother - (mother of his child). It started as urban slang but must have crossed in to the mainstream.

It is in some circles

BOTH his children's mothers are saying the same thing about him? And SS have been involved? And then this?

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this.

He shouldn't be prioritising his girlfriend of a few months over his kids. "Missing out"? He chose it!

Dad of the year with not one but TWO unhinged exes and prioritises his girlfriend of a few months over his children?

It may suit you for now but what do you think is going to happen in future?

Don't let him move in with you, don't blend families until the youngest is 18.
And yes, seeing his DC is more important than a date with you, he can always move that to next week.

Agree a Sarah’s law disclosure would be wise. Lots of red flags here.

I've always known BM to mean Bio mum.

he must have been really unlucky to have been involved with two unhinged exes. Surely social services got it wrong if they are/were involved. He sounds perfect!

and as for He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. of course! Adult child free time comes first. It's important.

Red flags all over the place. Run for the hills!

Stop dating this man and give your child a chance in life.

I can't believe you were happy to meet him at the expense of him not meeting his child..yes it was his decision but the way you talk about adults entitled to their own time suggests you wouldn't be happy if he had picked the children over you.. adults aren't entitled to their own adult time at the expense of not being there for their own children

Well, quite.

I've been on parenting courses where dads have clearly been mandated to attend. They try to across as great dads who maybe got one or two things wrong, just a bit misguided. But it's clear there's a lot more going on.

You've only really known him 9 months and that's not long at all. Trust your gut.

There are so many red flags here, but even on a basic level, the fact that he is on occasion choosing to see you over his children is ridiculous on both your parts. I don’t care what plans you had, his kids should be coming first no matter what

Whilst you do need to follow gut feelings, you possibly need more information!
He was awarded full custody of his eldest child - this is a huge plus in his favour, a) as it is unusual for this to happen and b) clearly SS had no issues with his parenting skills. Flip to second child - apparently he needs to work on his parenting (which he absolutely should be doing) but sounds like there is also some game player by ex with changing contact times!
Maybe step away from the relationship and give you both some time and space.

You are being very selfish involving yourself with this boyfriend. You just came out of a toxic relationship and straight away entered a new one with a man who has problems being a good and considerate parent. You have a child yourself who you presumably expect to just accept this new situation but you are not giving them any time to settle. Your DC has also had to endure your previous toxic relationship but you don’t seem to take them into consideration at all. It would be so much better if you just healed first for a year or two, focused on the well being of your child and yourself and then made a healthy and sensible decision when it comes to dating. This guy isn’t a good option.

Sorry, but it’s a no from me.
SS involved with both kids, 2 separate mums? It’s not a coincidence- it’s him and he’s not your DP, he’s your boyfriend of less than a year.
I would move on.

BM to me is best mate or bridesmaid, so I was a bit confused at first.

But frankly op I agree with everyone else. Tread carefully.

This stood out to me, too.

"Entitled"??

I'm a parent, when do I get this child-free adult time I'm entitled to??

OP, the replies seem pretty unanimous that this guy is bad news, and I'm guessing you weren't expecting that.

I hope it's given you something to think about.

This stood out to me too OP, In this situation I would lose respect for a man who chose not to spend time with his child, who he he having limited contact with and claims to miss terribly, but when offered the opportunity to spend time with his child, turned it down.

In answer to your question 'Why can't she just work on other days' why can't he just see you on other days? surly his Childs mother earning money is more important?

Yes. Your 'dp' is absolutely everything he seems. But you are somehow oblivious. Wake up.

As others have said, choosing you over his children is not on. Whatever you’d planned (unless funeral of parent or something awful).

Secondly, don’t have more children with him. He’s struggling with the ones he has. You don’t need a baby to cement a good relationship.

Finally, I have a relative and a good friend who have had SS involvement in their lives through absolutely no fault of their own so this to me isn’t the ‘red flag’ others are shouting about. SS can react to all sorts of things (as they should).

If I was enjoying his company, I’d keep seeing him but with no plans to do anything other than ‘date’ for a good couple of years. Let everything settle and see where the dust settles. Encourage him to be a good dad. Don’t pressure him to choose you. A good dad wouldn’t.