To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

I’m sorry OP but this man sounds like a perpetrator of domestic abuse.. he is in the ‘love-bombing’ phase with you.. treating you well to get you hooked in..prioritising you over his kid to prove how much he loves you… this will end..

SS don’t become involved with families for no reason contrary to opinion..he is the common denominator and likely the issue..

speaking from personal and professional experience…

My husband often lives in a complete fantasy world where he thinks he’s a good father and I’m unreasonable. It comes from an emotionally abusive and dysfunctional childhood where his mother would re-write history and deny his reality. She regularly abandoned him to grandparents for months at a time, but will talk about how it was for the occasional weekend. She talks about how she walked him to school every day. She didn’t. She didn’t even bother getting him ready for school. She was angry and abusive but talks about how lovely their childhood was.

my husband continues to struggle with reality and continues to think he can make anything right by re-writing history. He is so convinced his version is right that I actually think he believes it’s normal to do this.

everybody loves my husband. They think he’s great. They think he’s really hands on and always tends to my needs because this is the picture he paints using words. Nobody sees what our family life is like. I’m seen as the stressed moody one with no social skills. I am because I’m exhausted from having ALL the responsibility.

i have no idea about your DP’s life but be very careful with people who use only words to paint a picture. They can be very manipulative.

lovebombing is also a thing with people with severe ADHD. I was blindsided by this despite my husband showing clear red flags at the same time early in our relationship. I deeply regret ignoring the red flags because I only wanted to believe the good stuff would continue into the future. I kidded myself the red flags would go away by themselves.

Yikes @Eskimalita that sounds awful

I'm not really well up on financial issues but is it possible that, as he is still of working age, he cannot just cash in an ISA - wouldn't he be dependent on this for when he retires, and wouldn't he lose money if he did so? Also, if he is renovating his house, is it possible that the money received for the sale of the flat might be needed to pay off money he has borrowed to maybe pay for materials and employ work people?

At least that's what I thought when I read your original post. I should have read the whole post. It seems there are children and social services involved, which definitely paints a very different picture, especially since it appears he has minimal contact with his children.

It therefore seems much more likely that he is a selfish, irresponsible and mean person. You could just wait and see what happens in the future, provided you never ever offer to lend him money for any purpose. But, however well you get on with him, if it were me I don't think I would want to continue this relationship.

As someone else suggested, would it be wise to make a Claire's law request if you decide to continue seeing this man?

Whatever going on, just pause a moment. Your child is happy and settled. If you have a baby with him, that baby will have 3 half siblings. Only 1 of which will be your existing children's half sibling. It will be a massive complication that nonenof the children need. So just don't do it. It's not for any of their benefits.

Exactly it sickens me.
And they get all the sympathetic posts saying 'you deserve more sweetheart/low self esteem', blah blah blah.
Some women are just as much of an arsehole as the loser they've shacked up with. Anyone who thinks this guy is a keeper to have more kids with, and not a scumbag they've foisted on their children, is just as bad as him.