To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

The question is, do you want to be the next woman being described as unhinged, and do you want ss involvement with your DS and any kids you have with this dodgy man really?
Get rid and your future self will feel lucky.
2 things. Theres a Lundy Bancroft profile of 'the nice gentle guy' read it. Also, ask to meet these unhinged exes without him present and have a chat before moving forward with him, I'll bet anything the look of horror on his face at the suggestion will tell you all you need to know!

Two exes have involved SS.
RUN.

Claires Law

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

What kind of 'things' did they say to you?
Edited - Apologies, neither brain or grammar appear to be working today.

Exactly this. Choosing to see his partner over his kids? As a one off, for a really good reason, maybe. Just so you can go away/he can have adult time? Of course not.
It's so sad, it's always the kids who lose out when a new partner comes along.

Look at it another way OP, you say the 2nd mum called in SS. How many threads have you seen on here where nothing major has happened and everyone says “Call SS. That will sort him out.”? I’ve seen plenty of threads where women are worried about SS becoming involved in their family, but none where they trot off to SS because he’s a bit sketchy with when he sees his children. What would it take for you to call SS?

He’s not a good dad, he’s not wonderful and his exes won’t be crazy.

What have your friends said about him that makes you question things? Remember, they will probably be nicer about him to you than they will be when you’re not around.

Perhaps you'll be as tolerant when somebody uses a phrase that you find offensive? 'BM' is widely offensive and it isn't wrong to correct it. Being dismissive of that just makes you (general) sound a bit thick.

He has chosen to put you before his child despite SS warnings over his parenting???? RED FLAG

Wow I’m amazed by all of the replies. Thank you. Sorry if BM offended anyone, it was the easiest way to reference them at the time.

To answer a question I saw about what my friends have said - the friends who know BM2 (sorry), haven’t said a lot and I’ve not asked a lot because I’m worried they’ll feel inbetween. They aren’t my closest group of friends but are fairly close, and they are fairly close with her too. They’ve said that she is nice, there’s no love lost on her end, and they don’t think she would do anything like this without reason, but that they don’t know the full picture. I know how all of that sounds.

SS involvement with the first BM I believe was because she withheld contact completely, I think it was a long drawn out case and he had started the relationship with BM2 during this. But yes SS did eventually move their DC to live with him but I don’t know much more about it. I think BM1 filed a lot of complaints and allegations with SS which were found to be untrue. But I haven’t seen any paperwork and realise I won’t know the full extent of what happened.

I haven’t contacted police about Claire’s law but I am considering it. Maybe I need to do some more digging with him.

To clarify I haven’t encouraged him to have ‘adult time’ with me over his kids, it was just that from his perspective there were other days his DC could have stayed with him but due to this situation with SS the days altered so they happened to fall on days we’d planned stuff, and he rationalised why we should still do those plans. I’m beginning to understand how all of this sounds.

I’ve got a lot to think about here and I’ll be back later to read through this properly

If I were in your situation, I would suggest requesting information under Clare's Law to find out the possibility of domestic abuse which could explain why social services have indicated the need for intervention for him.

It sounds as if he may be engaging in "love bombing," which is behavior associated with emotional abuse and coercive control later down the line. This may involve excessive displays of affection, compliments, declarations of love, gifts, and praise etc.

Your main concern should be ensuring the safety of your child and understanding the reasons behind social services' involvement.

Something that jumps out to me OP is where you say 'I feel terrible for having a niggle' - you are a parent right???? And so is he - there are children involved. So it is truly vital that you listen to internal concerns and worries - even if you were wrong you should NEVER ever push doubts aside

A truly good man would want you to examine carefully every single concern you have - and you owe it to all the children involved here quite apart from yourself.

I would say there's not a lot to think about at all. It's very clear what you should do.

Also - the ‘things’ said by friends that have planted some additional doubt vary, some similar to what has been said on here (although in a more subtle way), and sometimes it’s the lack of certain things being said. Or a feeling I’ve picked up on.

I haven’t contacted police about Claire’s law but I am considering it. Maybe I need to do some more digging with him

I wouldn't ask him any more. Go to the police and get a definite answer

Please put your child first

He’s not a good guy. I’ll just say it again, for the avoidance of doubt.

Or let’s think of it another way- he has terrible taste in women and he picks the crazies each time? Is that you??

I don’t need to read past: From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged.

That tells me everything I need to know about him. Its textbook. Get out now unless you 100% want to be BM no. 3 with SS involved.

I don't know. I don't like to judge, as sometimes people genuinely are innocent despite the circumstances. But, that said, TWO SS encounters are a bit of a red flag. I know you can't say too much, but are they for the same reason/accusation?

The fact that SS have been involved with both of his children, despite them having different mothers, would be a red flag for me and should be a red flag for anyone with children. You have doubts, you have a child, what is there to think about?

some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this.

I'm really surprised by this, his kids should come first and you should be okay with that, fair enough if you were away (or booked to go away), but just spending time together.. no. I find that really odd, especially seeing as SS are involved with regards to contact arrangements.

Love bombing has crossed my mind.

Also he has been upset at times with things his ex about him to SS. I couldn’t get the full picture but I think she might have accused him of being controlling and manipulative. Which I - currently - really don’t see in him but maybe I’ve been clouded by things if this is in fact love bombing. It devastates me to think it could be. But I came here for opinions so opinions is what I have. And I do appreciate that.

Great point @Peclet 🤣

I wouldn’t get so hung up and devastated over a guy. Plenty of them out there. You need to protect yourself and, more importantly, your child.

This person is far too complicated and chaotic and your child deserves calm and safety.

Just leave him.

Well done calling everyone on here who has used the term BM thick 👏👏

Run, yes.

BM? Meh. I assumed Baby Mama. Cutesy but not offensive.

I’m sorry for whatever happened to make you so upset about ‘birth mother’ - try not to take such things personally, its the internet, its not perfect.

I have to say the main thing that stood out from your OP is how you’re putting him on a pedestal and making excuses as to why it’s not him, it’s everyone else.

Its like you know he’s a wrongun and you’re trying to justify it to yourself to ignore the red flags.

When there’s kids involved you NEVER ignore niggles and fight your gut. They come first every single time