To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

It’s always the unhinged ex. SS don’t get involved for no reason. Twice. And he wants to see his kid but he is prioritising seeing you and adult time? WTF. That’s going to look great to SS. You know full time parents don’t get every other day adult time when you know, parenting?

ARichtGoodDram · Today 11:36
But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this.

Choosing you, his girlfriend of 9 months, over his child tells you a lot.

Choosing you over the child that has ended up with SS involvement is, frankly, ridiculous.

^^^^^

This was the biggest thing that stood out to me that he missed his kids because you had plans.....no no no no no.

@sunniedee I'm sorry. Run. This is not a good situation.

What @LongDuckDong said!

' any parent is entitled to their own adult time.'

who thinks / believes that - you or him ?

' sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. '

so he is not aiming for the ' father of the year 'award then, is he !

is it a case of him first, then the children.

Social services involved with both children / both mothers and the only thing they have in common is him...
says a lot doesn't it.

'but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. '
I wonder when he finds the time to do the parenting work - considering ' sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. '

obiv you haven't introduced your own child to this man...

Is this man really the very best you could find to bring into your child's life? The best of all men to spend your life with? Really?

I fully understand why you wouldn't disclose the details, but even without that, there are enough red flags here to make a lot of people dump and run.

No. He is not a prince amongst men OP. Unless you want to be mother number 3 competing with 2 other women and their offspring while he prioritises seeing his new shag like

sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this

Nothing would stop me from the opportunity to have or spend time with my child/ren, certainly not a girlfriend of 9 months.

And yes, it's always the "crazy" ex, isn't it...

Actions are more important than words 2 separate women have involved SS. He puts seeing you before his dc. I'm sure he's being lovely but it really doesn't look good to me. If you really think a man who goes from one parenting disaster to another whilst smiling and blaming his ex would make a good potential father for your next child you probably need to look deep at your own issues.

Do you feel a need to 'save' men? are you susceptible to love bombing? Has your previous toxic relationship made you vulnerable? He doesn't actually matter you and your existing child do.

You have to take far more into the equation than this though OP. Is he freeloading or cocklodging? Is he stable financially and mentally. If it all went to the wind with you, are you happy to be 'also ran and BM no3' andin that scenario, can you support yourself and his child with next to no input from him.

I would be very concerned that he is presenting a persona to you and from my experience, nine months is nothing for some men to wear a mask, especially if you have money, a house, a stable life and the chance for him to rehabilitate himself.

Dig far more than you have to find out the truth and unless You have more in the way of assets, do not have children unless you are married to him.

This is potentially covered in red flags. I would try and find out more and then wait a calendar year experiencing him before I made any further decisions.

@GiveOverAndOver "I'm not offended in the slightest by it, people are offended by everything these days."

They aren't you know. They are offended by offensive things. And it's a little shocking that you can't see what's offensive about describing the women who are the mothers of this dodgy man's children as "birth mothers" or "baby mamas".

Even if you interpret everything he says and does through a rose-tinted filter, we know what his pattern is. Which means you are casting yourself as the next soon-to-be-ex crazy baby mama with social services involvement. Is that who you are and what you want for the child you already have?

Do not have kids with this man fgs! You will BM #3 (in your words) if you break up, would it be acceptable to you for him to cancel plans to see X child because he has a date. Even without all this SS business and 'unhinged exes'. That would be enough for me to walk away

The common denominator between social services being involved for 2 children with different mothers is.... Him.

What @ActualChips said.

Most people are able to split up without involving social services.
If social services are involved, does that mean that they will be involved if he becomes a part of your family?
I think I would throw this one back.

Yes this is key. Without knowing what has given you pause for thought nobody can really comment.

SS involved with the first child but he ended up with full custody so presumably they were involved due to mum rather than dad?

SS being involved with second child sounds more concerning.

You have described his ex/s as unhinged but then said he never bad mouths them, but you have never met either ex...so which is it? presumably he must bad mouth them for you to have formed that opinion?

Picking a date/break with you (the new girlfriend of a few months) over seeing his child is bleghhh. That alone should have rang alarm bells with you except not only did it not, it appears you're complaining his ex even asked him to see his child on those days and it wasn't fair on the poor bloke.

You need to take a step back and open your eyes, you have a child to think about. You have jumped into this way too soon and have blinkers on. Do NOT have a baby with him.

I wouldn't touch anyone with a bargepole who had ever had social services involvement in their parenting. They do not get involved lightly.

Also wouldn't touch a man who already had kids with 2 different women either. Maybe that makes me very judgey but so be it.

And lastly, your comment around why can't the mother work other days, why should she arrange her life around her ex?

I wouldn't even want to know the details - it's clear it's all too complicated and it's best to stop seeing him.

When I was a single mum I would not have exposed my DS to anybody man or woman whom I didn't think were 100% legit.
If there had had been a "deranged ex" and 2 x SS involvements this would not be the relationship for me.
For a start he's had children by 2 different women, are you going to be the 3rd before he moves on again?
He sounds thoroughly irresponsible
How awful for your child who is used to being the one and only to suddenly have 2 more siblings and then possibly another new baby.
How will this man contribute to your household if he is already paying CMS for two other households - if in fact he is paying anything at all. This means you will always be short because you will have to support him as well as your child.
Anyone can love bomb you at the start of a relationship to make you feel super special, some men are experts at it but long term they turn out to be just another joker.
Childhood is so very short and you can never have that time back with your child - something that will be a permanent regret if this all ends up being a complete mess.
I presume he will be moving in with you which is very convenient for him.

Yep this.

You’ve jumped into a rebound relationship far too quickly and you’re wearing rose tinted specs OP.

Funny how these men always have a crazy ex isn’t it? And it’s never them at fault always the mad woman.

And choosing someone he’s been dating a few months over his kids - the absolute biggest no and I’m shocked as a parent yourself you think that’s ok.

Hes waving more red flags than a communist party rally - take off those rose coloured specs and see what’s in front of your eyes.

I'll take this further. Nothing would stop me fro living up to my responsibilitie to my children, to the best of my ability.

This is the attitude of men who see parenting as optional. "Oh, it's not convenient for me to do that so I just won't". Whereas the rest of us are doing it when it's convenient AND when it's inconvenient.

Hi OP, I can see why you're conflicted but there is clearly a reason why he is not with either of the mothers of his children. I know from experience that SS can get involved with any reports/concerns over child welfare.
I am not trying to lay all the blame on him as there are always 2 sides to every story but there are some red flags that require further exploration.
In my experience, most ( not all) single parents choose not to be with their partners for very good reason. And 9 months is still very early in your relationship. And you were only out of a long relationship for 2 months before you got involved in another relationship, very soon and you have still got your rose tinted glasses on.
I previously fell in love with a divorced man with 3 young children( I was a single parent) and naively wondered how his ex wife could possibly have wanted to divorce him; I soon found out.
At the very least, I suggest some frank conversations with this man and as many people on this thread have said, children should always come first

Oh dear there are some serious red flags here. For a start he should not be missing time with his kids to spend time with his girlfriend !!!! He should be letting you down not them. His priority should be his children. Also his making her out to be unhinged that's what they always do and I very much doubt that's true tbh. You are only seeing what he is making out to be. You don't know him after 9 months. Take a step back and try and see this for what it is. Social services don't get involved unless something has gone on that's detrimental to the children and you are blinded if you can't see this man isn't what you want him to be.