To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Absolutely this.

Too much drama, concentrate on yourself and your child.

He's choosing to see his girlfriend instead of your kids, if you ever ended up having a child with him and splitting up he would do the same to your child, do you think that's fair?

I find it hard to juggle a relationship while being a single mum but can hand on heart say I have and would never ever ever miss out on a single hour of seeing my child because I was going to see my boyfriend instead.

And the fact he's had to get parenting support from social services indicates to me that you're not getting the full picture here, I am unsure of the processes but pretty sure they wouldn't be doing that without evidence to suggest his parenting isn't brilliant.

I'd be very careful you don't end up as the third woman who has a child to this guy as you may face the same challenges that they are currently.

If you marry him and have a child with him you realise you will be the next unhinged "BM" to the next gullible soul he gets tangled up with

RUN

Instead of HIS kids, not your kids, sorry typo

How old are the children? Please trust that you don't know him yet. Two women have trusted him enough to have children and then it's all gone badly wrong. That suggests he is able to charm women but it all becomes toxic afterwards.. he is likely to be the common factor.

Have you seen any correspondence from SS? I doubt you have the real story

Why is that offensive when DH, DP, DC etc are all commonly used abbreviations? It's just another abbreviation.

Two lots of SS involvement, I’d be making a Clare’s law enquiry just to be on the safe side. He doesn’t need to know, so why not?

Look, at best, he's a weak father and man who prioritises his new girlfriend over his children and needs SS to get involved because he doesn't have the clue how to do basic parenting.

At worst, he's an abusive fucker.

Honestly, if he is genuinely so worried about his children then he absolutely should not be prioritising random plans with you over them. And it's very concerning that you don't seem to see that. It suggests that you are very likely to be the next person to fall for his surface charm while allowing shitty behaviour to continue.

Can all these women who think it’s cute for their new bf to go out for dinner with them instead of seeing their children, when they see them do few times a month anyway, crawl back under the rock they came from??

Honestly what possesses some women to think like this?

Another strong agreement with being horrified that he chose to spend time with you rather than his child. If he desperately wanted things to go back to normal he would jump through all the hoops.

You haven't said what the SS involvement was, but I agree you are deluded if you think this is a good guy.

SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do.

Also this - do you even see the contradictory nature of this statement? SS saying no further action would mean.... no further action. Instead, they've recommended he seek additional support for parenting.

this is just a basic logic thing that you've somehow completely missed.

I'd be interested in what the little things your friends have said that haven niggled at you.

Respectfully Op you don't know this man yet, you want him to be a good man so you're closing your eyes to the bad bits. He seems lovely after an abusive man but that doesn't mean he's the angel he seems to you.

I'm not offended in the slightest by it, people are offended by everything these days. But I think its the fact that she is being referred to as birth mother, no she's their mother full stop. The new GF of 9 months is nothing to the child, its not like there's a BM and SM to mention here.

But as I say, I'm just explaining what I think. I couldn't dream of being offended by it 🤣

All this in 9 months?! And I guarantee his ex's aren't crazy. There's always an excuse with these men.

Lots of red flags tbh, two children with two different women would be enough to put me off. Don't be bm number 3

Loads of red flags here. SS involvement would be so traumatic for most people they would be doing ANYTHING to prove they should have the kids. Can ge see the kids alone? Agree re claires law. Find out before it's too late. He shouldn't be having time with your Dc until you have a full picture

Yeah that’s pretty unusual to have SS involvement in TWO families where the only common denominator is him. And also not great that he goes on holiday with new girlfriend rather than see his kid. I definitely wouldn’t have a baby with him or let him meet my kids.

Love bombing?

I think in this context, it is "baby mama" which is mildly offensive. It implies some random women who has trapped a man or who is trying to manipulate him. But that's connotation more than fact.

What are the things your friends have been saying about him? When you say he has to have his kid on specific days 'to fit round the reason why SS were involved', could you explain what you mean by that?
I'd say it's not great that both his relationships ended in this acrimonious way. But it isn't uncommon for things to end up in court. SS wouldn't have been involved for no reason. Is he doing these parenting classes or whatever he's been told to do?

He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

That's how manipulation works.

I agree with PPs, this whole thing is red flag central. Listen to your doubts @sunniedee , they are trying to protect you and your child. He may seem like the perfect man for you now but they all start out like that. It won't last. If you carry on with him you'll soon see for yourself what your instincts are trying to tell you now and you'll be even deeper in so it'll be all the harder.

If it’s to mean birth mother, then that’s usually used where there has been adoption.

What’s wrong with mother, DM, or mum?

Baby mama isn’t commonly used is it?

JFC you have known him 5 minutes and despite all the red flags you are thinking about blending your families, marrying him and having a baby.

I think the unhinged one here is you OP.

Take a big step back.
Keep dating him if you wish and watch really closely the reality of the situation, not just what he is saying.

Honestly though, you have DC I would through this one back.

Im saying this as a lone parent who has been dating someone for 7 years and only now are we talking about blending families.

It takes time to work out how people really operate.

Some serious red flags here OP.

To have social services involved with one child might be unlucky. To have them involved completely separately with another child who has a different mum? It seems incredibly unlikely that he's been unlucky again.

And choosing to go on a date with you rather than see his child? Doesn't that tell you something about his priorities as a father? Why couldn't he just rearrange with you?

If you want to stay with him I would advise taking things very, very slowly until you know him a lot better. Definitely don't consider getting pregnant!