To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Run a mile or you’ll be unhinged ex number 3!

Choosing you over his kids was the part that stuck out to me there too. You've been together less than a year and he's already putting you ahead of his kids? Grim. I wouldn't be planning to have a child with that man.

Yeah, sounds like the love bombing phase of narcissistic abuse. SS involvement once could be bad luck, twice is a major red flag. The fact that the relationship moved quickly and he found you shortly after your last relationship ended is another pair of red flags. These men seek out women going through a transitional period when they’re distracted and not on their ‘a’ game. The ‘crazy ex’ stories are red flag number 4. Flag number 5 is prioritising time with a new partner over time with his children. Sorry OP, it seemed too good to be true because it was.

My 2c

If friends are warning you off him, listen to them. Friends want you to be happy and safe. They have no reason to turn you against him or exaggerate problems. Listen to them, they can see the situation clearer than you.

No mam he's love bombing you! You will be bm3!

What is a BM please?

Birth Mother - because MOTHER is not enough apparently.

I'm not sure. I mentally read it as "Baby Mama". It reminded me of that apalling incident when Fox News captioned a photograph of Michelle Obama as "Obama's Baby Mama"

"Baby Mama" is a pejorative term.

I’d have to ask friends.

Good luck with your investigations.

There's definitely more to this than meets the eye. Two lots of SS involvement in two seperate relationships. Also parenting work. Two seperate mums and kids; and considering a third in you. I would run far far away I'm afraid 😳

just to make it clear as I think some posts commented on me writing this based on a 2 month relationship, we got together 2 months after I left my ex

I don't often swear on here, but ffs, give your head a wobble. I feel sorry for your child. And his children.

I think on MN it can be either^^ IHaveNever, either way it's derivative of the real noun. When you've given birth you're the Mother, can't be arsed with this constant lessening of women's nouns and pronouns.

But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead

Yeah. Women like you are a massive part of the problem

*Mum. That's all in needs.

*His children should be his priority, particularly where SS has been involved. You should not be his priority at this point in time.
*You know fuck all about her wotk schedule, what her employer requires of her and what hours she may have been offered.

Bet he doesn't maintenance. Stick with him. You'll deserve everything you get.

Ss being involved not once, but TWICE is a bit of a red flag for me. Particularly as two different women saw fit to involve them . Also in the middle of trying to get more time with his children and prove himself a good father, when there's been a time conflict between his new girlfriend and his kids, he's chosen his girlfriend, which in my mind shows very poor judgement and would be another red flag for me.

If you continue on in this relationship, you won't always be the shiny new girlfriends, at some point you very well may be the BM, whether or not you're still together, and the view may look very different from there.

If you have doubts why don't you contact SS & tell them you'd prefer your communication with them to remain private. You could explain how you are feeling about going forward with a man who has a history of SS involvement. Tell them everything including him treating you really well but given the circumstances, your love bombing fear. The fact you have a child should be enough to let them see it's important for you to know the history before you become heavily involved with a man who possibly has a history you are unaware of. There could be nothing further from the truth but it's only right you try and find out for the safety & well being of your child if nothing else.

SS involved with both his exes and a court battle to see his kids. Massive 🚩🚩🚩here, also why would he cancel his kids and not you who he can see anytime, that's yet another 🚩

You need to go with your gut which is clearly telling you things aren't adding up!

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it.

Twice, with 2 different women? either he picks badly, or it's him, or a bit of both. And he prioritised seeing you over seeing his DC.

Hmmmmmmmmm

"But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead."

Are you serious OP? Listen to yourself. He puts his leisure time ahead of contact days with his children and you expect their mum to change her work pattern to accommodate you both?
Seems fault doesn't lie solely at the ex's door.

If you're that gullible, could you help me to store £30 million that is taking up space in my bank account? You'll get to keep 20% when I become ruler of Nigeria....

Hon there are too many red flags in here to write, I've not read the whole thread but I'm sure many have listed them. Listen, run away from this man as fast as you can, your barometer and instincts for what's right have been horribly skewed by your previous abusive relationship and you're walking straight into another one xx

Not necessarily. SS can assess as not reaching a level where they need to intervene but will offer Early Help referral if there are (low level) support needs

Reverse this. If he was a woman, imagine the abuse. Most disfunctional men are able to move on without looking back ,without regret and without guilt. You are seriously thinking of having a baby with this total nob end? You cant be serious? If you are willing to be crazy ex no 3 go ahead. If after all the red flags you still think he's gorgeous and loving caring etc.stop listening to what he says and pay attention to what he does.

Op, look after yourself and your children by doing a Clare's Law and a Sarah's Law application. Both will be totally confidential and will give you clarity.

It may be an idea to talk with SS as you only have his spin on things. You are involved with this man as are, by implication, your children. For the children's sake they should tell you if you need to step away.

You cannot make a decision without information so get it. Get your friends to babysit when he's with you. Better safe than sorry.

Two SS interventions and doesnt see DCs to see a girlfriend instead. Not a good man.

stop listening to what he says and pay attention to what he does

This is such good advice.