To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Oh, give it a rest!

Two kids, two different women, two separate social services involvements = red flags galore.

’MN relationship advice” = a bit of bloody common sense!

Why on you on here if you don’t think the advice is worthy?

Exactly this.
Get disclosures please OP. If nothing is flagged, tread carefully. If he has reason for the police to disclose to you, get away from him.

He has limited access to his kids, and instead of keeping to the arrangements that have been made he chose to go on holiday with you instead? I can't believe you fell for the line that BOTH exes are unhinged 😬 he's love bombing you and I guarantee that if YOU have a child with him, you'll be an unhinged ex soon enough too

Absolutely get a Claire's law done on him. No he won't know.

However. A Claire's law check will only disclose specific crimes not every crime. For example if he's banned for drink driving and been prosecuted they wouldn't tell you.

Do have the check done BUT the very fact you are considering it tells you all you need to know!

Even if it comes back clear it doesn't mean he's a good dad, a good partner, a good man. It isn't a clear pass in terms of character!

As others have rightly pointed out he doesn't sound great. Please listen to your instincts and end things.

Babes, you are spackling: https://www.chumplady.com/the-power-of-spackle/

IMO any man with 2 kids, different mothers who say the mothers are the probelm... it is usually him that is the problem.

And you have your own child to look out for. Do not waste any more energy on this man, in fact no man is worth it where you are as a solo parent. I get it. You want companionship, etc., however now is not the time. You will have way too many (poisonous) frogs to kiss and you child needs you. It sucks. I know.

BTW the dots he wants you to connect : that is triangulation. He wants you to 'soft' compete against the other mothers to prove you are better than them. So that you are in his corner, defending him.. while staying hooked, even if it is to your and your child's detriment. Do not engage in this.

Are you blind and deaf? I'm sorry but they would be the only reasons not to see that there are major issues with his parenting. Social services DO NOT get involved TWICE for no reason!

He choose not to miss days he had planned with you and missed seeing his DC instead?! That's just plain wrong and the fact you can't see it is a huge problem.

Is this an audition for Jeremy Kyle's replacement?

Like I don’t want to make the worst assumption of him and actually all along he was just unfortunate

He's really not unfortunate. From your posts its clear that forms relationships easily and must win the trust of his partners in the early stages but then it always ends badly. Why will you be different?

Social services only seem to get involved when matters are really serious OP.
He's had two lots of dealings with them.
I'd run for the hills if I was you.
Do the Freedom Programme.
He sounds like a wrongun.

But he's never said anything negative about them.

He didn't call her unhinged in fact the OP has said he never has said anything negative.

The BM the OP referred to as possibly being unhinged lost custody and SS were involved so it sounds more like SS were connected to HER not him. It's unusual for a BM to lose custody.

But one if the times SS were involved because of the BM abd she lost custody. That can't be dumped on him. That was a her problem.
It's VERY unusual for a BM to lose custody. It suggests that he is the stable one.

he has made comments about them but nothing extreme like “crazy” or “unhinged”, but the more I think about it the more I’m wondering if his comments and stories were told in a way to make me think those things, rather than him say it himself ?? I don’t know and I hope not but it’s crossing my mind.

I hadn’t thought of this properly before but gives me food for thought.

Please have a good long think about the reasons ss are involved. I've been in a similar situation where both police and social services were involved after the kids Dad physically abused our son. I can't even begin to imagine the Web of lies he told his GF to get himself out of it. I am fairly certain I have been painted as the crazy ex. There's no smoke without fire. And the red flags would be waving for me on this one.

From what OP has written, it’s sounds like residence of the children was moved to him from her. Due to her obstructing his contact with them.

If this is the case did she obstruct the contact out of spite? Is she unstable? Or was she trying to protect the children from an abusive father? Likely we’ll never know. But it’s food for thought.

From Ops first post

“From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged”

As the saying goes - there are three sides to every story , their version, your version and the truth

I've worked professionally with families who had SS monitoring them. I've also had SS give us the all-clear as parents but still suggest we go on parenting courses. If he got given sole custody of his eldest that suggests SS thought he was the best person.

SS also assumed my DH was a lone parent until they came to our house and I was there too 🤦‍♀️.

Is he a good Dad to his kids?

My instinct is to trust your gut. My ex-bf included quite a few that were emotionally abusive and physically abuse. I just had really bad taste in men. Perhaps your DP has suffered from.the same?

From what OP has said, it sounds like she's wondering - very sensibly - if she's the one with the bad taste in partners/ potential partners.

From our conversations and the small amount I’ve seen he seems a good dad. Which is why I said in my op that I felt I could commit to him at some point. He speaks about his DC’s with much love and care. I’ve seen him with his DC’s (haven’t met them properly, it was in distance at a big wedding party), and it did seem to back up what he’s said.

but quite a lot of pp’s have pointed out his priorities and I can see that perspective. I’m sadly questioning whether there’s contradictions, I hope I’m wrong but so many people saying it makes me wonder.

Realised i Haven’t answered a previous question - the DC’s are quite young. Both in primary school with a 4 yr age gap.

You're in a difficult situation @sunniedee but the fact that you're uncertain is a good thing. You feel like your friends aren't saying things...people don't like to get involved, and if your BF is anything like my ex, then your friends maybe won't know what to think, as he'll have told them something very different to the reality.

Also, the good dad thing. I thought my ex was a wonderful dad to the kids he had with his previous ex - he cried when he couldn't see them and made a huge fuss of them when they were there - but it wasn't real, it was just what he wanted me to think, and his mask slipped eventually. His previous ex was very manipulative with their kids so some of her bad behaviour masked his...and he made sure to paint himself the victim on top of that, and I, and everyone else, fell for it.

It was only in hindsight that I could see these things...I have no doubt that he is now telling the same stories about me as he did about his previous ex, and he only makes an effort with our child when there is a chance to show him off, so he can play the great dad.

Truth is I divorced him because he bullied our son and was abusive to me (emotionally, financially, sexually...all of it), but no one saw any of that, as it was at home, or in the car. Whenever anyone could see he was a great chap, salt-of-the-earth, help anyone out, loving father type. These men are very, very hard to decode...and sometimes that's all you have to go on, that you can't get to the truth of things. If I met someone like that now, I'd run a mile.

Social services being involved in BOTH cases? DP having to do parenting classes? 2 failed relationships each with one child and THEN it fails.

I'd be extremely wary - social services don't get involved for no reason or for someone to have to take parenting classes.

Massive red flags to me. Judgemental - yes - but feel given the chance he'll continue the pattern instead of doing the right thing and getting the snip.

notice He’s the common denominator in all of this ?
claires law def needs to be done, and you also need to consider the implications of this on your child ?
you don’t need us to tell you what to do.you already know !!!