To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Theres so many replies here which I really wasn’t expecting, I’m not even sure where to start with replying. I’ll answer a few questions from the top of my head.. just to make it clear as I think some posts commented on me writing this based on a 2 month relationship, we got together 2 months after I left my ex (which mentally I had been done with for a couple years before that), and I’ve been with my DP now for 9 months but known him longer. i don’t plan to marry him or have his kids soon I just made the point because I felt like it could be a possibility at some point. I don’t want to rush that because of my DC but I can see I might have got a bit carried away with my thought processes.

his 1st DC doesn’t live with him 100%, the DC was moved to live with him because of things getting out of hand with the BM but it soon progressed and it’s more like 60/40 now. I dont know the full background aside from what DP told me but BM1 has had another DC now and DP hasn’t said anything about SS being involved but he might not know either.

DC2 was seeing DP on a regular basis but it was after SS involvement when BM2 started to move arrangements around and that’s when he wasn’t able to see DC2 as much. From what I know BM2 has worked when DC2 is with DP but I don’t know her full situation.

if I do Claire’s law can it be anonymous? I’m just worried of making things awkward if he found out I doubted him but I know I need to do something.

As far as I know all my friend who have children with ex partners were ss have been involved with there other children have had to be informed incase there is any degree of risk to there child.

And a clair law application is confidential. There are far to many red flags with this man I can hear your doubts I say go with your gut.

I’ve not been formally informed by SS but DP has told them about me and they know I’m aware they involved

I can tell from your tone that you’re too infatuated with this guy to listen to what everyone is saying - his love bombing and reeling you in is clearly working well.
He is not the sort of person you want around your child, but good luck - you’ll need it.

Do the checks.
It’s fine to be in love but don’t let that blind you!…
I think your partner and you when booking time away together should tell his ex’s that he will be completely unavailable on XY & Z dates… he doesn’t have to give her info on why .. however telling them both does mean they can plan their work hours round it or just tell their bosses / clients that they can’t do that weekend or week etc..
achikdcare shouldn’t be so fixed that weekends can’t be swapped around occasionally to suit each other, but obviously if you’re going away then your partner can’t be expected to drop everything (unless in an emergency). But this would be resolved if your partner communicated his time away to his ex’s better.
a simple ‘I’m away the week beginning 8th July’ please pop it in your diary so you know not to swap shifts or make plans that week’…. And the mothers of his kids should do the same for him. It will just ease all the unnecessary back and forth of ‘can you have kids next week because I’ve been asked to work… no I’m away’.. then her having to communicate that to her bosses… if it’s in her diary she can give her boss a difinitive answer on the spot

I do wonder whether what he tells you is accurate though.. he might be just a lovely guy who has made bad choices in women, who knows.
My husband (separated) hasn’t bothered to see his daughter more than once in 2 years… he has a girlfriend and I do wonder what sort of woman would date a man who doesn’t bother with his own daughter!! Maybe he tells her that I prevent contact, maybe he tells her I’m unhinged, maybe he says I was abusive to him, alienating our child, or whatever other crap these men tell the women they are trying to sleep with….
mor maybe he’s just honest and says he can’t afford the travel and would rather spend his money on a new car, holidays and meals out with her etc… and maybe that suits her! Who knows.
I would do checks and I would progress with caution. Trust your gut.

Totally agree, he sounds a wrong’un.

Of course I’m infatuated with him, but a few people here are saying I’m going to totally ignore what everyone is saying which isn’t what I’m planning to do, I’ve probably been / am pretty blinded by the love bombing (if that is what’s happening, I’m trying to figure it out), but I don’t want to be so blinded that I get myself in too deep especially after my last relationship. It’s hard to accept that he’s manipulated me in the way people have said he has but I need to try to think about this with an open mind, I’m just so conflicted. Like I don’t want to make the worst assumption of him and actually all along he was just unfortunate and then I’ve missed out on what seems like it could be a wonderful future. I know I have more digging to do.

something my friends said and has been said on here os that even if Claire’s law comes back clear it doesn’t mean there’s not a risk and that some people are just too clever to get “caught”. I hate I have this doubt in my mind but I know I need it.

Yes I don’t think there communication is very good and I’ve tried to speak to him about this. I’ve been thinking BM2 has been unreasonable with requests for DP to have DC2 on different days but I’m realising she mightve been stuck with work because of the SS situation too. But he hasn’t told me that and has just said she shouldn’t be changing it around which I do agree with to an extent. I feel like I’m reading between the lines a lot but without any definite answers,

@sunniedee it often takes time to realise you're in a bad situation, it's easy for posters to be impatient over the internet. Glad you have sensible friends in real life who are supporting you.

You can do a Claire's law request without anyone knowing, so why not start with that.
It sounds like your friends are good ones and you trust them, so how about you take one of those friends aside and ask if they would give you their honest opinion of him, or at least tell you what they know about him and or his exes. But you'd have to be certain you wouldn't get angry with them if they say things you don't want to hear. You don't want to ruin a friendship over this man.
Which could happen if you end up staying with him, when they'd told you they think he's bad news

As much as I’m conflicted I’m going to try to be reasonable here and say that the SS situation has had an impact on things from childcare perspective and I also don’t think DP tells her what plans we have so she might not know. She knows about us though so it’s not hard to guess we would have plans on those days. And as a mum myself I know it can be hard to organise things around childcare if the DC are mostly with you. But I do also think it puts DP in an awkward position to be asking him for random days to make up for the ones their DC can’t see him because of SS.

I’m so conflicted about asking them, I don’t want to put them in an awkward position because they know DP too but I do get a vibe that they’re not telling me everything. But I also don’t understand why they haven’t been more clear with me about some things either. I think sometimes people don’t want to get involved and I don’t want to drag them in but I have to think about my DC too,

To reiterate though, SS can be involved for lots of dysfunctional reasons including (as in my friend’s case) the dad shoplifting while in care of the child, as well as drinking and domestic violence with the new partner. He also tried (and failed) to make a custody case against my friend that she was mentally unfit and a drug user, based on the fact she’d occasionally done recreational drugs 20 years earlier when she was at uni. She was really careful not to put anything controversial in a text as she knew he would try to use it against her. He wasn’t physically abusive to my friend (verbally and financially but not physically) and he has never been accused of child abuse (although I have wondered from time to time) but he’s still a wrong un. I’m not sure if he’d be red flagged under Clare’s Law based on his history. If I was with a partner that I was sufficiently worried to be checking his history, I’d be getting rid anyway. If you suspect the person you’re with is a domestic abuser it doesn’t say much for the state of the relationship. But like others have said I don’t think it sounds like you’ll be listening to your gut at this stage. I hope when the time comes you will be able to walk away. Good luck 🤞

Exaclty this. Steer clear of men who say 'my ex is crazy'. They are projecting, it is the man who is the problem.

run away from this man

He isn’t really your partner, he’s just a man you’ve been dating for 9 months. It probably wasn’t wise to jump into a relationship just a couple of months after your marriage ended, but I suppose that ship has sailed. In any case, as PPs have said the red flags are waving. Take a huge step back.

I also think it’s worrying that you say “of course” you’re infatuated with him. Infatuation isn’t something to build a strong relationship on. It’s for teenagers mooning over their latest crush.

You have friends in common with his second ex.

I would be tempted to arrange a meeting with her and get her side of the story.

Just move on.

Sounds like he has a lot of hassle going on, let him get on with it.

I don't know him, I don't know you and from all the entries here I'd think you should just move on. Doesn't matter if he's the nicest guy on earth, mumsnet will invent a backstory. Leave him be to get on with his life.

Having someone who takes relationship advice from mumsnet in his life is the last thing he needs. Put an entry in mumsnet saying my new guy wears clip on ties rather than proper ones will quickly expand to he's jack the rippers reincarnation.

If noone else has said ...

Continue this path and you will be the next unhinged ex with another baby that requires SS support.

Please do better for your existing child.

He hasn’t said they are “crazy”, he’s actually been quite nice about them at times, more so BM2 but we don’t have much reason to discuss BM1. But he’s told me some stories and confided in me about things and I guess I’ve put two and two together with my thoughts about them. Someone told me it mightve been his plan for me to connect those dots but I just don’t know anymore.

As I said in my Previous post
This is too complicated considering you have a DC which you must prioritise.
You don't know him well enough.
He could be rewriting history like so many do.
I urge you to step back and do some digging
Do a Claire's law enquiry
It is anonymous and the police will only inform YOU if he has been charged with a DV related offence
You don't know why SS have become involved but their threshold is high

As an initial move I'd ask your friends or one of your friends who you suspect know something. Make it very clear you won't shoot the messenger. People are often cagey as they fear if they break the news their relationship with you will suffer. State you are concerned, would be totally appreciative, as if there's something you need to know, you will want take appropriate action

Clare's law is a good idea whatever, but in your shoes the first and easiest thing would be getting some info from someone you know. The police may not have info, but as others say that doesn't always mean there isn't something and a friend may be able to tell you.

This. Definitely read your post as if someone else read it. And I would take friends opinions about his exes (and him) with a pinch of salt unless they are your good friends and you know they are being honest - most people tiptoe around the truth to avoid hurting your feelings, and/or what went on behind closed doors may have been quite different to what the rest of the world saw. I would speak to his ex’s personally, to try and see what he was like as a partner. May not be exactly how he is with you, but there might be a pattern of behaviour that you want to know about.

How old are the children?

Someone told me it mightve been his plan for me to connect those dots but I just don’t know anymore

That's very astute. If your nature is to be trusting then you will look for reasonable explanations and give benefit of the doubt. However as you have children you have to being highly cynical and recognise you don't know the situation...except 2 women had children with him so trusted him once...then it all went sour, twice! He is the common factor.

I would also question if you need this hassle in your life. SS don't get involved easily, there must have been major challenges so why get involved??

I would have to know why social services were involved . You don’t know someone properly after 9 months but he’s giving you some serious cause for concern.
I would swerve this relationship or definitely cool it off until he has his issues settled with his kids . Sounds like way too much drama and you have your own child to think of