To wonder if DP is all he seems?

[sunniedee]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve changed my username because I’ve posted here quite a lot and have a few school mum friends on here who might recognise me. I’m very conflicted about my current DP and in need of some impartial, honest, unfiltered MN advice because it’s quite difficult / confusing to discuss this with family and friends.

I’ve been with my DP for around 9 months now but I've known of him distantly for around a year longer because of the social circles we’re in. I came out of a relationship about 11 months ago so I hadn’t really got to know DP a lot during that but we started seeing each other soon after my separation with my ex. I know this seems quite quick but during the time we’ve been together he's been absolutely lovely, he’s treated me with so much kindness and respect and we have such an amazing connection that I’ve really never felt before - I genuinely feel like we could go the distance. He has two DC’s and I have one DC. At times I can absolutely envision us having a DC together, maybe even getting married. I feel so lucky to have met him, he is soft and gentle, which is so refreshing as my previous relationship of 10 years was toxic and unpleasant.

BUT…. There’s more context to the story which plants seeds of doubt in my mind, but I feel dreadful that I'm even saying that because he really is so lovely to me.

I’ll jump into it.. his two DC’s are by two BM’s. He's currently having problems with his youngest DC’s BM. She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do. From my experience of him I’m really surprised, he seems to be such a good dad, he loves his DC's and he's really been affected by this. His contact with his youngest DC has been limited during this time which he’s really struggled with. He tried to get the situation back to normal as quick as possible so we can still have time together too, any parent is entitled to their own adult time. But his ex has been offering him alternative days to have his DC (she says to fit around the reason SS were involved) and some of them work well but sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. BM says that some of these days are so she can work but I don’t see why she can’t just work other days instead.

The thing is I'm aware that SS were also involved when he broke up with the BM of his eldest DC and he had to go to court for contact. From what I can gather the oldest's BM was a bit unhinged and DP ended up getting full custody. That DC now goes to her mums about 40/60. I’ve never met either BM but I’ve a couple of mutual(ish) friends with the youngest's BM who have told me she's nice, but I know break-ups can bring out the worst in people no matter how “nice" they are. He's never spoken badly about either of his ex BM’s, which I really love about him, but from what he does say it seems to be quite easy for me to read between the lines and paint the picture myself.

I’ve been feeling so awful for him to have this happen to him twice, he really doesn't deserve it. I also feel absolutely terrible for having the slightest niggle of doubt in my mind but a couple of things some friends have said keep playing over for me and I don’t know whether to listen to them or ignore them.

AIBU to think I should try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the positive, I know people can be different in different relationships so maybe they just weren’t right for each other?

YABU - to have doubts and wonder if there's more with DP than meets the eye.

YANBU - to think DP is lovely with me so I should keep my focus on our own relationship and not pay too much mind to the rest.

EDITED: I’ve realised my post title might contradict my YABU / YANBU options, hopefully it’s not confusing but answers based on the options above would be great.

TIA!

Ask yourself how clearly he is communicating with you about all of this?

His circumstances raise clear questions and any potential romantic partner, especially one with a child, is owed transparent and clear responses. On no planet would it be unreasonable for a parent to want a full account before proceeding to get involved with a man who has had previous SS involvement with his children.

Any decent man would be saying, "I know this doesn't sound good but this is the situation..." and give you the full and transparent account.

If you feel like you are getting half a story, left wondering, kept in the dark, playing smoke and mirrors, left to draw your own conclusions from inferences and insinuations...well then you know. He's a wrong un. Head to toe in red flags.

TLDR decent men dont leave you looking for answers to important questions on mumsnet

He sounds a lot like my ex. He had one “crazy” ex and another who was the father of his child who had stopped him having contact for a long time.

He turned out to have a history of domestic violence with the “crazy” ex (she wasn’t crazy at all but she WAS terrified of him) and most of what he’d told me about the other ex was lies, in particular she’d never stopped contact. He’d made the whole lot up to win my sympathy and make me think he was a nice guy.

There’s a certain type of man whose pattern of behaviour is to move in on someone who’s just come out of a toxic relationship and appear to be perfect, bombard them with declarations of love and move the relationship on really quickly eg moving in together, having a child etc. Then they start to show their true colours. My ex was one of them. Sorry to say it sounds like your partner might be too.

I can't work out which option was YABU and which was YANBU.

Using "BM" which presumably is "Baby Mother" is unreasonable. And otherwise, wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Please don't have a child with this person. His attention is already divided too many ways. It really wouldn't be fair to the new child. And you both already have them.

I don't think he sounds like a good dad, at all. As others have said, you might want to explore Chumplady and the Freedom Programme before becoming entangled.

Hmm, 2 lots of SS involvement with 2 different mums? I think I’d be giving him a wide berth and not exposing my child to him, and definitely not having a child together and tying myself to him indefinitely.

Your argument that he has missed seeing his child to spend time with you because the arrangement is awkward wouldn’t wash with me. He should be putting his child ahead of his ‘adult time’. Plenty of us actually don’t get any alone time.

And OP try putting your own child's needs as top priority over your wanting dick.

Your own child's life was disrupted when you separated and is being disrupted again.

Agree with @IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

You apparently started dreaming of a really entwined life together (including another child!) shortly after starting to date. Is there a reason you feel that you want to rush into another cohabting or marital relationship? Your kid already has been through a lot. Introducing a love interest of yours into HER life is not necessarily beneficial and often can be a negative. They deserve to be priority one for the next 10 years or so. There's nothing wrong with dating for occasional fun and companionship without progressing to a more involved scenario.

She brought social services into the picture which from what he told me seems to be an extreme measure. Without disclosing too much information (that I know), SS assessed and said no further action needed but they’ve brought in another service to offer support, which includes parenting work for him to do

He's not the nice man you think he is.

The end.

OP you've posted this before very recently. Why don't you just take that advice? Didn't you like what the vast majority said?

Sometimes they are. DN has an ex who is totally loopy. Has made all sorts of trouble and made life generally Hell. I know her. It's definitely her, not him.

Hmmm, seems he has been “unlucky” with both his exes hasn't he? Funny how “bad luck” with ex partners seems to follow some men around isn't it. I wonder why that is.

This..
Run away

“Baby mums” 🤢

Can you not just say ex-partners? Or mothers of his children?

Too much drama for me I’m afraid. I assume his issues are always the “baby mums” faults and not
his own actions?

Littered with red flags OP.

Apart from anything else, I would definitely get the ick if a grown man chose to miss out on time with his kids so he could go on holiday with me. Social services are involved; this man should be bending over backwards to show what a devoted father he is. Prioritising time with his girlfriend is immature and a total turn-off.

Run for the hills and break all contact with this man

My DH told me about his DCs in our first proper conversation. His ex put the blocks on hom seeing them, got SS involved etc. When the eldest hit 17yo sje came to live withbus. Their SD had sexually abused both of yhem and thats whybhis ex got SS involved. My DH was devastated - a completely innocent party kept away from his DCs because their SD didnt want tge abuse stopped.

Just because soneone calls in SS doesnf mwan he is a problem. The 2nd BM called in SS cos she probably knew how it affected him.

Both BMs should be ashamed of themselves imo.

The switching of days is ooo too. She cant expect him to take the DC so she can work, what abput his need to work?

@sunniedee trust your own instincts. He would not have one of his DCs for 60% of the time if he was an issue.

Run for the fucking hills! He’s on his best behaviour, it’s only been 9 months. He’s showing you loud and clear he’s a wrongun!

Yuk.

Two kids in primary school, by two different women, and he's with neither of them. What a sleaze. Have some standards OP.

sometimes they would fall on occasions that we had planned to go away or spend time together so he’s ended up missing out on seeing his DC because of this. and to top it all he prioritises his new woman over seeing them.

run away, and if you stay make sure your contraception is sorted.

Massive red flags.

Sounds like a narcissist in the love bombing phase. Typical "crazy ex" excuse from him as to why he's had issues in past relationships. Choosing new 'mark' over seeing his child. Very typical narcissistic behaviours.

Exactly this.

He's choosing to miss out on seeing his child. Why should ex work a different day and not him see his girlfriend a different day?

And if services are involved then it's not going to look good on him that he's refused time with his child to spend time with a relatively new girlfriend.

This. Get rid. Put your child first.

My thoughts exactly.

He sounds like my ex. A lovebombing narcissist that focuses on his new girlfriend at the expense of his children. He absolutely should NOT be spending time with you instead of his kids, and as everyone else has said, for both his exes to be mad/unreasonable is unlikely, it's much more likely that he's an idiot.

Don't have a baby with him, for goodness sake. Get out now.

"Such a good dad" who misses out on contact with a child he's had limited contact with because he's organized dates with you? And you were happy with that?

If he was such a good dad, he would have prioritized contact with his kids before jumping into a relationship.

Also why do you refer to them as Birth Mums?

I think this is a red flag of manipulation: a lack of integrity between his 'surface presentation' of what he thinks/feels about his exes and what you have come to understand through reading between the lines are his real thoughts/feelings about his exes.

I don't have a great relationship with my ex and I am completely clear with people about why not (extensive lying and emotional and financial abuse on his part). I say why the relationship didn't work out and why I don't want a close relationship ongoing.

My ex, on the other hand tells people we 'just grew apart' and is evasive about why things ended. He sometimes acts like we get on well and are good co-parents (we barely co-parent, it's more like parallel parenting and I try to have as little as possible to do with him) but I know he also sometimes slates me to others with accusations of me being controlling. He doesn't have a clear or consistent story for what went wrong with our relationship and the reason for that is that he's leaving out an awful lot of information that reflects poorly on him.

Your post is very unclear about the ins and outs of your ex's issues with his children's mothers and that might be because you're trying to avoid outing, but if it's because you're unclear on the details yourself, you should understand that to be a massive red flag.

I was really upfront with my BF that my ex was abusive and I don't have a great relationship with him. My BF has told me at first this made him hesitant as he didn't know if I was just throwing accusations/disavowing responsibility. Over time he's been able to see my ex for who he really is and knows I am telling the truth.

Both your ex and other friends have said his exes are nice and seem reluctant to condemn them. But to be frank, nice people do not withhold all contact or get SS involved with their children for no good reason.

Is it more likely that the exes are not really nice people at all and for some reason your ex and others are 'protecting them' or that you are not currently getting all the information about these two situations?