Dd keeps saying she feels like she has done something wrong

[Whatabeautifulsunset]

Starting to feel worried.
My Dd is 6 in summer and has been saying multiple times a day for a week or so that she feels like she has done something wrong. She seems so nervous and worried and keeps telling me and Dh every little thing she’s done. I’m constantly reassuring her and saying she hasn’t done anything wrong and she’s not naughty and every child does silly things sometimes and she’s just a child and learning. She gets very upset if she’s told off at school or by us, it’s never harsh and she seems to be ultra sensitive and nervous. Feeling like a crap parent and that we must be coming down too hard on her, really don’t feel I do and her teacher at school said she reacts v badly to any perceived telling off/criticism. She’s also been pointing out people and saying they look horrible because they have spots and she’s scared or they’re fat. She has never once spoken or acted like this before. She will keep coming and telling me things she said to her friend months ago and saying she feels as though she’s done something wrong.
Please can anyone tell me what might be wrong and what we can do to help her? It’s all v out of character 😔

I'm no expert but friends with ASD children describe similar

My daughter went through a phase like this at age 9 or so. Each night she’d have to tell me every little thing she’d done wrong that day, whether it was a bad thought about someone or stealing a biscuit or whatever. It was exhausting for both of us as I’d have to hear this endless list each night! I’d tell her I didn’t need to know about all her thoughts - that we all occasionally think nasty things about other people (but that doesn’t mean we ARE nasty), and that we all do naughty things from time to time. It was constant reassurance. Anyway, she grew out of it after a while, I think it was a form of anxiety or mild ocd where she felt she was a bad person and could only be reassured by ‘confessing’.

She did have counselling for anxiety a few years ago which gave her some strategies for managing her thoughts. She’s nearly 17 now, still a sensitive soul and anxious at times, but thriving and doing great…

As an adult who has struggled with ocd I am yet another saying it does sound like the way ocd often emerges in children. I think the problem is too recent to jump to any conclusions though. I live in fear of my dd showing signs of this. I have to tell myself though that forewarned is forearmed, to some extent.

Looking back my ocd did not get bad until I left school, prior to that I had phases of intrusive thoughts but they resolved. Hopefully if it is ocd this episode will pass. Keep a close eye on it though in case it doesn’t.

Things that might help in the short term is a big change of scene or distraction, and keeping her as happy as possible generally. Is there any way of doing a trip or planning some kind of project/adventure for the holidays? Or having a friend or relative who raises her spirits to stay? Sometimes a pet can help.

I think it’s worth informing yourself about ocd just in case, especially since the things that might be helpful are often counter intuitive. Try to get an understanding of the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy and especially the branch of it called exposure and response prevention. Look into anyone nearby who specialises in this especially with children so you have that ready. Maybe your friend does in which case great.

A key thing is that when it comes to ocd worry is not your problem…if we can accept and tolerate worry then it will naturally pass. The trouble is that in ocd a compulsive response to the worry develops and forms a vicious circle because it ‘red flags’ the worry in the mind. So trying to avoid the worry component actually makes it worse. Generic distractions that aren’t clearly related to the worry are often helpful though.

I don’t know anything about ways of adapting the cbt to children, but if I had to guess I would say introduce the idea of worry or unease as something that we shouldn’t be scared of, and it’s normal to feel anxious about something but it doesn’t mean that it’s true or that anything needs to be done. Worry will pass if we just let it be. Tell her she can always talk to you about anything, but that she shouldn’t feel like she has to. If she doesn’t ‘confess’ it doesn’t matter, she will always be loved and no matter what tricks her mind plays on her she won’t be a bad person. If she doesn’t confess the worry and the feeling that she needs to confess will just pass. So hard to explain to a five year old.

Also I am sure you won’t but don’t say anything that might add to a feeling of guilt, like ‘it makes mummy sad to see you so upset’. At this age the power of parental reassurance is so strong and it would be better to instill confidence that you are a strong and happy presence who can take on her worries if you know what I mean.

Hoping things settle soon for you all OP.

Review her diet. Yeast over load can look like a weepy, worried child.

I'd say make an appointment with your child psychologist acquaintance tomorrow to start the ball rolling, and an appointment with the GP re her constipation. So many women here talk about how they wish they'd been helped earlier.

Please listen to her.

I dont know if its neurodiversity - my son said there was something wrong with his head, he was diagnosed ASD within a year. But pls pursue an assessment through your GP.

The alternative is shes been asked not to share something that happened and is expressing it as best she can at her age. Ergo is it PTSD (I sincerely hope not).

Whatever the cause pls carry on doing what youre doing to make sure she knows she is greatly loved and valued xxx

Also OP I promise you have done nothing to cause this.

Another person saying this sounds like OCD. My daughter presented similarly when she was around 9. There seemed to be a trigger which I won't go into. I saw a gp on my own who made light of it and I also bought this book for her:

What to do when your brain gets stuck

I wish I'd done more though as she is now at uni and has much more severe OCD symptoms which she's getting help for. There is a lot of neurodiversity in the family but she if anything tends more towards ADD than ASD (no assessment). She is also friendly and outgoing with lots of friends.

I'd try and get professional help for her, OP, if you can. I believe CBT can be very effective but perhaps this is adolescents and adults. Either way, I'd get some help. Good luck.

Adding onto the OCD crowd. This was exactly me and I was diagnosed with OCD as a teenager. I've had it as long as I can remember.

I also have ADHD and think there could be links to that.

I think her being anxious at first to see a psychologist is a small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom. They are professionals and will hopefully be able to make her feel at ease over time.

Do school use 'behaviour' targets where the whole class is listed and they are moved around ie red Amber green / hood to be green.? Our goddaughter school.did and although she was a.well behaved kid she became very worried.that she might be moved to Amber or red! She also became anxious about her friends being moved.
Her teacher (I'm a teacher so not teacher bashing as such) would use emotional pressure such as ' you will make me so sad if...' 'I feel so upset when i have to mark work you didnt get right'. It massively affected her learning.
Friends can also upaet them by saying I'll tell on you, or tell lies about them ie you called Jack fat, or even say negative things and 'persuade ' them into joining in ie isnt Jack fat, people with spotd have the lurgy/are dirty.

I'm 53 and aged 6 a lad said he was gonna tell the teacher I'd been near the builders which was not allowed. I hadn't but I can still remember the fear that i was going to get in trouble, going through the whole day worrying but nothing happened.

Please speak to tge school to see if theyve noticed anything, but also be aware that medical issues can most definitely change behaviours.

Yes, please take her to see a professional. When I was like this, it was because trusted people were abusing me. I felt all kinds of angry and awful but did not want to tell on them because it was obviously 'my fault'. It took a couple of decades to talk about.

If it is OCD then do not keep reassuring her. This is accommodating her compulsions and confirms her obsessions which makes them worse.

Seconding this. I'm not diagnosing but as a therapist there are a lot of flags for OCD here OP.

@PeppermintPorpoise What causes ocd at such a young age?

I echo previous poster-about ocd and intrusive thoughts, by telling you and you give her positive feedback etc will be her way of helping to get rid of the bad thought/feeling.my eldest was similar too-son has a few more complex things wrong but daughter is only now being assessed for add as a mother herself and sadly her daughter has just been diagnosed with autism and add.I woukd lik to think I’m way off base here but best to ask for assessment

@Whatabeautifulsunset Well, my autistic friend's daughter is 8 and has been confirmed to be autistic and to have OCD, which started last year with anxiety and panic, thinking bad things were going to happen and that they were all her fault. Please get that expert appointment in place.

keep talking-tell her doing things right or wrong is how you learn.you re there for her

I'd try mindfulness aimed at kids. Friend found mindful monsters helpful.

I was also like this as a child and still feel strong guilt over silly things. It developed into severe anorexia for 20 years. Nothing my parents did caused it, it’s just part of my personality.

Maybe research ‘the highly sensitive child’. There’s a book too. A child psychologist may be a good idea but there is a risk it can make things worse if your DD starts to feel it’s another thing to be ashamed of. Sorry I don’t have any solutions. You sound like a lovely, caring mum.

Could be linked to gaining some sense of control or ‘magical thinking’ trying to stop bad things from happening. Mine was sparked by the BSE and salmonella outbreaks in the mid 90s. Has she had any lessons on something similar in school recently?

There may not be one thing that can pinpoint a cause.

I think some studies have indicated that the earlier in life you develop the condition, the more likely it is that genes play a primary role.

How is she with her diet and fluid intake? She needs to drink plenty, usual roughage and fruit and veg. I'd of thought if all else fails some gentle laxatives would sort the physival issue fairly quickly.
Apart from that, could she be picking up on other people treating her with some disdain, but she's not linking it to what she is saying about their appearance? If she passes comment like that often, people are going to behave differently towards her. There perhaps could be some ND.

This happened to me, @Whatabeautifulsunset
Not as severe as your daughter but in my case my grandmother was waiting until we were alone and then shaming me for different things — my security blanket, my little girl’s one piece swimsuit, other things. It happened every time we were around her and 65+ years later I still don’t know why.
I learned to give her a wide berth and kept far away from her for the rest of her life.
Does anyone have contact with your sweet girl? An older relative? An older child or someone at school who could be adding to your daughter’s anxieties and insecurities?
I’d at least consider someone influencing your daughter — because this is out of the ordinary.
Sending love.

We’ve taken our DC to see a psychologist and behavioral therapist and she honestly loved going. We called it the “feelings doctor” and just said we all go to get a check up on our big feelings sometimes. They have tons of fun things for kids to play with and are obviously really good at engaging with kids. Our assessment found no behavioral disorders at all but it was SO helpful to talk to a professional with an outside perspective, honestly cannot recommend it enough.

Sounds like OCD. I have a now adult child but went through all of this sort of stuff as a child, and it’s OCD. Most people think of OCD as washing hands 8 times or checking a locked door 3 times and so on but I believe the most common form is intrusive thoughts which are not rationale but seem real (and often confusing as people have time no they are not rationale, yet seem real), and the person can’t shake them off. Lots of OCD sufferers have this aspect and no other forms of OCD.