Dd keeps saying she feels like she has done something wrong

[Whatabeautifulsunset]

Starting to feel worried.
My Dd is 6 in summer and has been saying multiple times a day for a week or so that she feels like she has done something wrong. She seems so nervous and worried and keeps telling me and Dh every little thing she’s done. I’m constantly reassuring her and saying she hasn’t done anything wrong and she’s not naughty and every child does silly things sometimes and she’s just a child and learning. She gets very upset if she’s told off at school or by us, it’s never harsh and she seems to be ultra sensitive and nervous. Feeling like a crap parent and that we must be coming down too hard on her, really don’t feel I do and her teacher at school said she reacts v badly to any perceived telling off/criticism. She’s also been pointing out people and saying they look horrible because they have spots and she’s scared or they’re fat. She has never once spoken or acted like this before. She will keep coming and telling me things she said to her friend months ago and saying she feels as though she’s done something wrong.
Please can anyone tell me what might be wrong and what we can do to help her? It’s all v out of character 😔

This could have been written about me as a child. I couldn't go to sleep until I had confessed all my worries and bad actions / thoughts to my mum. The thing about commenting on people's appearance is familiar too - I'd feel guilty for thinking it, so I'd have to say it out loud, almost as another way to confess to it. I think we were all less aware of mental health back then, and it just drove my mum mad.

I did grow out of it this particular behaviour, but I will say that I have suffered with anxiety and OCD all my life. I don't have ADHD or autism.

I don't really have any advice, but try to help her anyway you can now to try and nip this in the bud. But also don't despair - I'm pretty happy as an adult now.

This was how my OCD started with guilty thoughts about nothing like I had taken a sip of milk from the fridge or thought a bad thing about a friend.
Had to keep confessing as the guilty feeling was dreadful.
Of course 80's parents didn't know what to do but in the end I moved on to making sure the plugs were all off and saying little prayers to keep everyone safe. It was very exhausting and lonely.
There are books for children about OCD gentle ways to help her stop or reduce the feelings and just lots of reassurance.

I've had this feeling my whole life and I have adhd.

Instead of saying 'you haven't done anything wrong" ask her if she feels safe enough toʻ get things wrong sometimes.

X

I feel exactly like your daughter about always being wrong and always feeling at fault. I have had anxiety (medicated for it) since I was around 11.

I also have a condition that is on the autism spectrum although I don’t know if I’m autistic.

I don’t know how you help to be honest as reassurance really doesn’t get through. It may be worth looking into a psychiatrist who can diagnose what’s driving these thoughts.

Kids go through weird phases. If she consistently goes through phases that don't seem typical for her age then put her forward for an assessment but I doubt that having a worried feeling for a matter of weeks will get her on any list to be assessed for anything.

I would do a combination of the following:
Demonstrate that its OK to do something wrong. Sensitive kids are often perfections. They beat themselves up about mistakes. When you make a mistake make sure you point it out to her, what you did and what you learned. So she knows that doing something wrong is ok as long as you try to do the right thing and you learn from it.

Get her to write down (or you write down for her) what's the worst that can happen. Follow it through. Switch it around, she is worried that she upset a friend. What would she do if her friend upset her one day and what would she think of her friend if her friend was sitting worrying about it hours later while she had forgotten about it

Buy her books about worries or a worry monster and read through it together

Give her plenty of opportunities to talk about anything else that is worrying her and observe her carefully. Often they will say they are worried about some specific thing when they're actually worried about something else that they can't articulate. My child was worried about a lot of things in lockdown that were strange on the surface but in hindsight due to changes in their routine and fears that were unsettling them

Encourage them to problem solve. What do they think would be a fun way to get their mind off the problem if they've already talked about it and there is nothing else they can do until the morning? Mindful colouring, calming music, yoga etc can't solve a problem but they can help your mind put it in perspective

It does sound like the kind of intrusive thoughts that are associated with OCD. She's very little which makes it tricky as she can't fully articulate her worries. Can you pay privately for her to see a child psychiatrist? They will have experience in this kind of problem and should be able to tell you if it falls outside the 'normal' range of worries and anxiety.

Hi OP, I would suggest seeking a
child psychologist who can provide tips on how to manage the situation. Over reassurance can make the child’s anxiety worse in the long term- keeping it going. They might suggest things like “worry time” and would definitely imagine them suggesting cutting down on the reassurance (though this feels like the natural thing to do). I had a point in my life (age around 8) when I was randomly “confessing” and washing my hands a lot. Was really worried about doing the wrong thing!

I have a friend of a friend who’s a child psychologist, I can afford to pay, I’m just a bit concerning that taking her to see someone may make her feel anxious?

@UnitedOps Did it just go on its own for you? How long did you have it?

I would suspect the illness is the thing which has triggered it, if there’s no other obvious cause? there’s a huge gut brain connection in the body so the gut being severely constipated / impacted would probably mean a lot of inflammation overall.

@Whatabeautifulsunset what’s caused the constipation, is it a good intolerance or some such? I’d recommend having a look at the Nemechek protocol, its daily doses of inulin, DHA and olive oil and aims to restore gut bacteria to how they should be.

another vote for OCD - so many people (psychologists included sometimes) have no idea about OCD but this is the age it starts. Has your DD been physically unwell lately too OP?

My daughter was like this when younger and has just now at 14 been diagnosed with OCD - intrusive thoughts.

sorry did I miss a post and DD has been unwell? Anyone else thinking PANS?

I'm just thinking that the constipation may actually be a result of the psychological stuff, rather than a cause. She may be too anxious to "let go" of the poo. Perhaps it would be dirty or smelly or wrong. Or it might involve using a loo at school, which felt too public or didn't meet her hygiene ideas. Once she "hangs on" for too long then it causes constipation.

This may not be what's happening, but it's worth considering the possibility.

We’re actually dealing with someone similar with our DC right now, getting very upset and being overly apologetic over small mistakes or perceived “bad behavior” and often saying we’re mad when we’re 100% not. We don’t live in the UK so have ready access to a behavioral therapist and I spoke with them recently. He felt that all of the reassurance was reinforcing that the worries/reactions were valid and recommend we offer brief reassurance “mommy isn’t mad” and then ignore any further behavior. He felt it was a combo of some genuine anxiety that was being reinforced by our validating the reaction and an unconscious learning that DC gets a lot of attention when they have that reaction. FWIW, our DC categorically does not have ASD or another behavioral disorder.

@Uppity7 Thank you, no it’s the constipation etc came first, it was similar when she had it the first time around a couple of years ago

This sounds like OCD to me, my daughter was like this from a young age and is much better now, as an adult, after treatment. Please take it seriously.

@GoingDownLikeBHS Shes only been unwell with being impacted, no infections etc, but there was similar the first time she had this

The feeling of having done something wrong is anxiety. What she's trying to say is she's feeling anxious, poor mite. A child counsellor will help.

Did you post under a different username the other week? Very similar op

I'm afraid it was OCD for me too, around the same age. I felt I needed to tell my parents my thoughts (often mean things that I didn't actually think) because if I didn't something bad would happen.

Yes, this.
Also, Asperger's.

Yes another echo for OCD (that started as a child and still have now)

@pandarific So it would cause inflammation? She’s also been very angry on and off, difficult behaviour, I found that challenging but now wish that was all it was as this is much worse to see and upsetting that she seems so worried.
She had all the tests & scans two years ago and it showed no intolerance etc and they said to just keep on top of it, make sure that she pooed daily and so on and she’s been fine for two years, up until now
Could it be just this causing it and when it’s gone she’ll be back to *Normal?

As soon as I read your post I thought OCD, and I can see other people have said this also. I'm saying this as a mental health professional myself. I would say at this age, help her to recognise her feelings and name them. Help her to understand that just because a thought pops into her head, it doesn't mean it is true. Try not to fall into the trap of offering reassurance, instead support her to challenge her thoughts. OCD is basically an anxiety disorder so finding anxiety management techniques will help such as calm breathing, grounding. There a book by Cathy Cresswell about managing anxiety in your child which I would recommend. Seek support from school and GP if nothing changes.