AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

The stepmother sounds really selfish and your exH weak. sorry for your son, I hope you can help him through this. I’d try and claim financial support, Australia is expensive and they might well find they need two salaries so he might not be able to weasel out of supporting his son by not working. It’s really shameful that a primary school teacher can’t find it in her heart to be more caring.

She shouldn’t have had babies with a man who had a child if she wanted her first pregnancy to be like the second dawning of the messiah. Silly cow. Hope she is reading this.

Your ex is weak, spineless, and under the thumb. She is talking bollocks when she says he can stay or go but she is taking the children. She has to have his permission. He is too spineless to stand up to her.
The step Mother should be ashamed of herself, horrible insensitive women, your ex has got what he deserved.
Your son is better of without that spineless idiot as a role model, and he does not have to be in the company of the witch he is going to marry.

Your latest post is so sad @howsweet . I feel so.sorry for your son. Your ex is going to break that lovely bond they have. It's very sad to see how.controlling his partner is being. Your son might not want to fly over, once every 2 years for 6 weeks?! He hasn't thought that through has he?!

To echo everyone else, their behaviour is absolutely despicable and your ex is a spineless arsehole. One day your DS’ siblings may ask their parents questions as to why their DBro was cut out of their lives - what lies will they pedal?

Seek out a good solicitor for CM etc and if you feel DS needs some emotional support contact your school and ask if the run the ELSA programme. And really - if they are going ahead with this plan then surely your ex should start to slowly reduce contact? He’s happy to walk away and not bother with his DS so what’s the point of seeing him all the time still?

I hope they see this thread and see what people think of them.

Well, on the plus side, all the adults have got their feelings out now, and you (and they) now know the true lay of the land.

Realistically, there is not much you can do other than pursue child maintenance money from him - and get all the information about how to do it when he is over there in place.

Also, 6 weeks every other years is better than nothing. He may not wish to go as time goes on, with her attitude and his dad in thrall to her. Poor little fellow.

I've got a precarious job that means moving around (unlike teaching I imagine). We are prepared that, if I get a job far away, I will go with DC and partner will stay near DSC and go back and forth. It's a bizarre decision your ex has made.

Reading that actually made me feel sick. I feel very sorry for your son who doesn't deserve this. Sounds like you know and have always known than this man prioritises his 'new' family over your son. All you can do is accept the situation and try to get child support sorted before he goes and yes I do think you should inform the Australian authorities if he refuses to pay. As for your son I think you should book him in for some therapy to help him deal with what's about to happen. Talk to him honestly and really listen to what he has to say. I know a lot of people will not agree with me but I would refuse to let him go every 2 years and I would also phase out the face time asap as soon as the ex leaves. Seeing him every 2 years is not enough to maintain a relationship and you cannot trust he will be treated with kindness by the stepmother over there. I would say to the ex he can come to the uk to visit (which he wont) and / or he can write to your son to stay in contact (which I think is a better idea). In 10 years when your son is 18, if he (your son) wants to see him then that's between them to sort out but you won't have him sent across the world every 2 years for 6 weeks to a family who clearly doesn't want him there, that's ridiculous. I hope your ex carries this guilt and shame with him until his last breath. To do something like this to your own child is a disgrace.

I could cry reading this, your poor boy. I am so sorry for what his scumbag 'father' is doing to him.

I have no advice that hasn't already been given but am sending your boy the biggest hugs. I have a DS not much older and it makes me feel sick to think of this

Everything the step mother allegedly said is routinely espoused on the step parent thread so I can believe it.

@Ohlittleone

100%. I'm also a step mum and it can come with lots of challenges you can't always foresee, but as you say, you must know your partner will need to physically be there for children at least until they finish school.

To be fair, that vile pair won't worry what is said on here, she is a nasty piece of work and he is a spineless shitty Father.
Make sure he pays maintenance for your son. If your worthless ex does not work they will find Australia hard financially. She won't like that.

So basically she’s going regardless and he’s in the awful situation of lose one son or lose three people.

Your poor ds.

he’s in the awful situation of lose one son or lose three people.

He left his first son soon after birth. So I don't think it will be that hard for him to leave him now. It's not an uncommon thing for people who have split up and formed new family units to move to another area or country. People do survive.

I didn't t think you could emigrate to Australia unless you had a job lined up?!

I may very well be wrong!

The rules for migrating to Australia used to be that even children not travelling with you, still have to have a medical and be declared. If he hasn't declared his son and just thinks he can disappear in to the sunset, then he might be sorely disappointed.

The rules may have changed though.

You can, we did. There are various ways of getting in. Teachers are on the skills list, but it’s not a quick way in. DH was on the skills list and it took us 18 months to get our visas approved.

i’m so sorry OP, your ex is a spineless arsehole. I have a friend who is dating a Brit who is planning to leave his daughter to move here and I’ve asked her how she can be with a man who can do that to his own child.

Teacher's pay in WA won't go very far, even if it's in the private system. The dad will have to work very soon. It also depends at what level the stepmother enters the system. The only really enhanced teacher's pay is if you go into the regions and remote areas, literally hundreds of kilometres from well, anywhere.

You can get in without job as I did but then my DH had one.

I don’t think they have.

It is a few years since I did my application but I had to declare my step children. I also had to declare siblings but I can’t remember if I had to declare their children. My siblings did not require a medical (adults living in another country with their own migration paths). Medicals for my stepchildren were never an issue as they were already Australian citizens. So I can’t comment on that.

I believe the reason for that is less security and more an awareness of chain migration.

Just wanted to say I am so sorry you and your son have to go through this and deal with such horrible people! They are both incredibly selfish, heartless people and you are both probably better off without them. Surely if she is complaining about your DS now, she probably didn't treat him well when he was at his dad's. Looks like his dad is utterly worthless and a coward too.

Agree with those saying get legal advice for maintenance payments though. I don't think he can't not pay and don't believe he will be jobless forever, especially when little ones are in school/ nursery.

NC

When I was very young my father emigrated to Canada with his other family. My mum had other children and their dad was in their lives when mine wasn't.

I only met my father again when I visited for a couple of weeks as a teenager.

Next time I saw him was when he was on holiday in UK about fifteen years later. I asked him once why he had emigrated. His response was he saw an advert for skilled workers in Canada so thought, why not apply?

To this day, remembering that response is still gutting to me. That a job and a life in another country thousands of miles away was of more concern to him than me.

I have therefore carried around a feeling of abandonment and worthlessness to this day. So, when I had a phone call from him a couple of times a year I could never bring myself to call him dad, father or his name. Because in my mind he didn't deserve those acknowledgements.

So, OP you should defintely, as others have suggested, get counselling for your DS, to minimise the impact on his future life of his father's imminent abandonment of him.

I wonder when the first trip to see his dad will be? Is he supossed to wait two yrs? And no plans for the ex to come back to visit? That would upset their routine surely, and too expensive.

I'd be considering if allowing your son to go with his father is in his best interests.
If he wants to abandon him whh drag out the inevitable. He'll never challenge you on it and I'll bet my house your son never staps foot in Aus on his dime.
She's not going to spend £1K on your kid.

What's MIL like? Will she take well to the idea of being cut out of her remaining GS life?

I agree with everything other posters have said, your ex and his partner are disgusting. Also I wouldn’t let him go to the wedding. All you can do if support your DS, make sure he knows this is not his fault etc.

It sounds like the in laws care about him if they were making a fuss over him when his sibling was born. I would try to make sure he stays in contact with them and sees them regularly so he doesn’t lose touch with everyone. Obviously if they care about him they will make sure to see him regularly too.

Unfortunately you can't force someone to be a good parent.

Concentrate on your son now. Get him counselling if (when?) He needs it, reassure him, spend extra time with him.
Enable him to have video contact, but don't force him if he doesn't want to