AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

I agree with everyone else , they are a hideous pair . I would genuinely worry about the visits , although I suspect they won’t happen. I can imagine the step mum being very nasty when your poor boy is there .

💐💐💐

No words adequate. But you sound like a lovely person in spite of that. It's amazing such selfish individuals still somehow manage to produce such lovely people.

Sorry if I have misread along the way, but the wedding is next May? In this country, presumably? But they already have the house on the market and she has a job; when does that start? Might it be an idea to get CM organised officially in the interim so you have something legal in place?

It's very clear that her huge resentment towards your son is behind this.
The cost of living in perth will be a shock.
I doubt the trips will materialise.
Stay close to his parents if you can and they are kind.
I would be seeking therapy asap for your son.
I would be tempted to inform The department of Ed in Perth about her.
You ex is ultimately responsible here, he is a disgrace to the word father.

So basically she’s going regardless and he’s in the awful situation of lose one son or lose three people.
Your poor ds.

She can go. She cannot take the children if he refuses. That is not an opinion, that is the law. He is just too spineless to do anything about it.

It’s a very sad situation.

But … Jeopardise the Australian job and the step-mum will never let your DS over the threshold again - would you want your DS going into that atmosphere ? Step mum will tell her DC that they are not going to Aus because of your DS.

Also, I could imagine that they will relocate within the UK out of spite, especially if their sold, and there will be a gradual fade-out of contact

Onemoreterm,
I don't think she can stop her ex going, but if he did find the spine to stop it, there is a lot of difference between the other end of the UK and Australia. OP would still be able to gain some financial support, and at most he would be a day away.
He can visit and play Disney Dad. His half siblings would be in the UK and able to meet their brother more easily as they grow.

He isn’t spineless, he’s actively choosing this and wants to go as well. He has agency here, he isn’t some victim of his wife.

He’s the one responsible for his and OP’s son, and he’s choosing to go. That’s on him.

Your DS's stepmother clearly resents him massively. It's going to be at least another year before they leave for Australia, I would prepare your son for the fact he is most likely never going to see his Dad or his half siblings again. I would have serious concerns about sending him to his Dad's even when they are in the UK, awful woman could well take her anger out on your child.

OP get a CMS claim in today!
Also state he has 0 nights. After this you can't trust her with your son.

Also he's shit out of luck.
Send him this screen shot.

What a pair of absolute cunts. Her comments were vile and I wouldn't want her around my child any longer knowing she holds so much resentment and bitterness towards him. I'd put money on the 6 week holiday every few years never materialising and the face time reducing to nothing. She's nagged him, he wants out. It's abominable to me that a parent can do such a thing but sadly it's fairly common. I'd put every effort into DS mental well being and family connections at home. I'd also make sure I took legal advice over payments and get every penny I could. I'm not surprised he can't face you at the door anymore, he's pathetic and undoubtedly knows it.

I would send a message to your Ex. I think you should take the high road and try and show how unreasonable she is being about your son.

“Hi X, I’m writing to clear the air after our phone call on Tuesday. I’m sorry that it escalated into an argument, it wasn’t my intention. But I understandably have thoughts and worries about how your move will impact our son. However, it was extremely surprising to hear that your partner has such strong feelings about you having a son and how that has impacted her. (No consideration for him being a child and how it impacts him, his father having a new family, mind).

I’m sorry, but unless she was not aware you had a child when she agreed to have children with you, it is not fair for her to resent our child so much. However he came into the world, he is your son and deserves to be treated fairly. Your partner very clearly resents his existence and I’m glad that I’ve now seen her true feelings towards him. Maybe it is for the best that she will not really be in his life. I would be concerned for his safety around her for 6 weeks though, as she obviously won’t want him there and actively resents him. I for one will be doing all I can to support him during the inevitable fallout of such abandonment by his father and we will have to chat further about arrangements for contact, preferably through my solicitor, X.”

What an awful woman 😡 If she didn't want a man with an older son, she shouldn't have got together with one.

And he's a piece of shit too.

I'm so sorry. Your poor ds.

Yes indeed, & she works with children, What a vile woman.
She knew EX had a child, so she should have made other plans if she was going to be the evil step mother.

This is all her mistake. And it is actually a huge huge mistake as deep down, what her choices have given her will be a fundamental unease about what her husband and father of her children is really capable of.

He’s a shit - you know that now. He’s capable of abandoning his child for his own ‘betterment’. Lots of men are capable of this, few women are. The ‘good men’ aren’t.

You fortunately ended up without this man, who isn’t a good ‘un, and now she has him. Lucky her. She’s given her precious children this man as a father. Even luckier eh?

It doesn’t matter one jot that he didn’t want to start a family with you, that your marriage failed etc etc. Your lovely son is also his lovely son - if he was a good man, with ‘normal’ parenting instincts, he’d love his son as much as you do. It’s unconditional and fundamental. He wouldn’t be able to leave in a million years.

It’s either something you have or you don’t. He doesn’t. Deep down, she knows what that means. So right now, at the same time as feeling defiantly happy that she’s got her way, ‘got rid’ of you and your son, she will have also given herself a gnawing feeling in her guts that will never go away. He doesn’t love his child unconditionally. When or if things go wrong between them, she knows now what he’s made of.

I know a family where the dad upped and left, went back to his home country, left two kids. Went to find himself. Blah blah. Thing was, when he’d met the wife he abandoned, they were in another country, met on holiday while he was also bumming around between jobs and having adventures, and to do that he’d also left behind a previous partner and their child in another country. The wife managed to ignore, reframe what that said about his basic character. Seven or so years later, he did the same to her and left her with two young kids.

I hope she’s reading this thread, or that you send it to her.

Oh very good! Excellent. Calm but makes it witheringly clear what shits 'Dad' and SM are. Paints the picture accurately and outlines why the OP will not be feeling inclined to sponsor further contact/send child to Australia, all whilst sounding reasonable and like she has the higher ground morally. 👏🏿👏🏿

I could never have written it better! Do that OP.

Yeah OP after that disgusting conversation I would...

Not let DS attend their wedding. After all, we wouldn't want any attention being misdirected towards DS and away from Stepmum, Birthzilla and Bridezilla on the day. Since he will be being - we now know willfully - abandoned by his father, no need to play along with the charade of happy families and 'one of the family' for DS. Don't gaslight him.

Not be sending my son to Australia to a woman who would resent 6 long weeks of sharing family time and her husbands attention being specially taken up with her step son. Children can sense when they're barely tolerated. It's not nice. I've through it.

I'd be reducing contact between DS and Father in months leading up to them leaving. What's the point? It will only hurt worse when the abandonment finally happens.

Tell school what is happening, arrange counselling, get Ex to pay.

Get CM set up. For sure! That SM won't be smiling in Australia for long.

Not sure about Grandparents. But maybe facilitate a relationship with them for DS, but tricky if they will be dropping your Ex and what he's up to in Australia, showing pictures/video etc. I've heard of grandparents who go behind parents back to facilitate contact. That's difficult, only you know if that will work.

This is one the cruelest things I've read in a thread. Your Ex's response in that phonecall is shockingly callous. I can only imagine what he was like to live with as he sounds an emotionally redundant individual. So so sorry for your DS. It should be illegal for men to do this crap.

Oh and absolutely don’t stop him going to the wedding. It doesn’t sound like you would for a moment - it would hurt him in the future if it doesn’t now, so I can’t imagine you would.

But I’d also make sure he’s there for her special day. Let her have to think about it, and for your ex to be faced with what he’s doing, seeing the siblings together - all his children - for an event like that. Let her feel the irritation of having the child she doesn’t want around in her wedding photos. Let them have that momentary tension between them, time and time again, when he’s with his older son. Let him have that little flash of understanding what a bitch she truly is, on their wedding day, when she tries to engineer photos with your son on the end, or not in them. Let him feel that and know what he’s done months later, in their fake-happy lovely new house in Perth, when she wants to put up wedding photos without your son in them.

Absolutely awful behaviour from dad and step mum.

I think you need to love bomb your son a but right now. I bet he's feeling all out of sorts. If his dad in deed tell him over months. Ds might not have understood it to be serious, you know, because he's 8!

Try and move the focus away from his dad and concentrate on you 2

You sound like an amazing mum and he's so lucky to have you.

I would also maybe have a chat with exs mum if you get along, as he said she would take him to Oz for the holidays.

From what the new partner said about he ILs not wanting him to feel left out when the baby was born I was thinking about this too. Hopefully the grandparents can be a big part of his life.

I mentioned it up thread, a distant relative feckd off leaving his child but his parents/ siblings include that child in all family events - as of course they should.

I genuinely hope she gets eaten by a shark.

Cost of living in Perth for family of four estimate about £3k pcm without rent. Rent / mortgage would be on top.

Teacher salaries range from around £40k to around £60k. Tax on that range
£6.8k - £16k. If she is at the top of the salary range and they live somewhere cheap or can afford no mortgage, he might be able to avoid working.

But it is worth going through CMS, coming to a financial settlement and pursuing the money. Why are they are trying to bully you out of doing that?

Is this the step mother?

Doesn't matter, the point is if HE didn't want a child, HE could have used protection or ended the relationship but HE didn't.

OP isn't abandoning her child, so she's already head and shoulders above the noxious pair.

Nothing the OP has or hasn't done in the past absolves her sons feckless father and his hideous wife from behaving this way to a child.
His new wife new he had a child already and still decided to hitch her wagon to him, she's scum and frankly I wouldn't want her anywhere near any child with her attitude.

Get it in writing on WhatsApp from your ex that he will be stopping maintenance. Set up the sting.

Then apply to court and see if you can get your child's maintenance due to him until he is 18 years old from your ex's share of the house sale.

Go speak to the Australian embassy on what is the situation if he is applying for dependent visa and is stopping child support for a child in the UK.

May be they will or may be they won't issue him a visa.

The house is owned by the future step mother, so no claim can be put in for a share.