AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

This appalling man is not between a rock and a hard place, as his current partner would not be able to take their kids to Australia without his agreement.

She is discipable moving half way around the world so she can pretend her kids don't have a half-brother, and he is totally useless.

He's not going to be popular in their new community when people realise he left his 8 year old son back in the UK so he could move to Perth.

It's very hard when your child realises that they're not really that important to their non-resident. I've been there, but my DS is a really decent young man, it hurts me that his Dad is a bit of a shit - no way as bad as yours - but it hasn't soured my DS, or made him into a shitty man.

I know it isn't the point, but will the ex grandparents make an effort to keep contact with your son. It would be nice for someone to take an interest in him. After all, they will be losing their other grandkids.

Oh op I just wanted to say how sad I am for your DS, not to be ashamed and she is a nasty cow. He is a shitty father to your ds. Every other year wtaf!!

I am glad to read that you have parental support as you both will need it.

Much love Op. Take care of yourself ds and I hope he can get some other kind of support emotionally. I'm sure someone on here will.have a good advice.

Ky dd had a hard time emotionally for a bit and got support when I spoke to the senco.

Much love ❤️

clearly he’s made his mind up, and that’s not gonna change, people should better themselves and not care about other people

If a woman isnt willing to support her partner in prioritising his children from another relationship, then she should be with someone who doesn't have kids. She knew he had a child, and it's vile that she's said what she said about him. If I ever said even 10% of that about my DHs son he would finish with me quick as a flash.
I think you need a lawyer, and tbh I think your son is better off without that toxic environment. Your exh may or may not admit it, but eventually, hopefully, that guilt will eat away at him and he'll realise he can never rectify his relationship with his oldest son

What a pair of cunts.

Your son has known for months and you ex didn’t think he should mention it? What an awful burden for a little boy. They clearly don’t have his best interests at heart.

You are only in control of what you do next. They are quite clear on their intentions going forward and your DS isn’t part of their plans.

You sound like a great mum, find the appropriate support for DS as he goes through this change in his life. Good luck.

In fact, if it was me I would probably be sending him the link to this thread just to make sure that they do know it and realise that everyone around them will be thinking the same, whether or not they say it to their faces.

Well. We can only wonder at what her kids will grow up like with such a poisonous mother.

It won't feel like it now, but ultimately your DS will be well shot of the lot of them.

Your ex is a piece of shit. It will hit him later in life, a big dose of Karma will come his way. He will wonder why his eldest child hates him when he's old & alone.

It's scary to think this toxic woman is a teacher. I'm not sure it would go down well with fellow colleagues and her current+future employers if they knew what type of person she was and how she's treating and speaking about an innocent child in all this. She's ultimately decided to delete your son out of their lives and resents to have this part of the family part of her life. It's beyond me how they are justifying that to themselves and how horrible this woman and your ex are.

How are the paternal grandparents reacting to this? Are you able to get in touch with them/are you on good enough terms to speak to them about this?

Please don't be ashamed OP. It sounds like you're doing the right thing.

I'm sure your son will be better off in the long run without them, but no doubt will be painful to go through this at such a young age for your son. Including losing his half siblings in all this which adds to the pain, sounds like they have a lovely bond between them. Children needn't turn in to their parents and it's possible they'd be able to be in touch in the future as young adults/when trying to understand what happened and the half siblings start questioning their parents lies.

They should be ashamed of themselves. They can say whatever they want to try to make themselves feel better, but ultimately, they're the lowest. To hurt a little boy like that just for a work opportunity. I could never do that to my child. Shame on him.

Wow, she's just awful, and he's a spineless excuse for a father. I suspect, from her comments about your DS, that she's been blaming him for an awful lot, nasty bitch she is. But she's about to find out that he's not the cause of all the problems in her marriage, they won't last when the penny drops that it's not all his fault. She sounds like she gets the hump over little trivial things, she'll not be happy even when he's on the other side of the world. What's your ex going to do when they split and he's in Australia, with no visa, no family, and children on two different continents?

Well she's made it crystal clear your ds isn't welcome there and by the sounds of things your dh doesn't seem to want to see him either. I'd start preparing your son for little to no contact from now onwards. It would take all my patience and moral high ground to take my ds on holiday the week of their wedding

That's a good point actually, would I hell be letting my boy go to that wedding. They can fuck all the way off.

I'm finding it very hard to believe this is true! mainly due to the fact I cannot believe how absolutely horrific the step mother is. How can she possibly reconcile her behaviour to herself. I am absolutely astonished.

The father is not even worth writing about he's such a waste of oxygen, but that woman is just scum.

In fact , they are both just scummy people who will reap what they sow as the children get older.

@Falconfield , believe me couples like that exist , my ex and his new partner are one .

She is truly evil. I would be tempted to move to Perth myself so he can't abandon his son, and to piss her off! Record any face times in the future, perhaps they could be used against her.

It's sad to hear how much his half siblings love seeing him and all she has for him is hate and resentment, just for existing.

I hope you recorded the phone call so your exs parents could hear how awful they are.

Australia is a signatory to The Hague Convention, so its courts would not allow the DS to be kept there permanently after a visit. It would be very difficult for the father to change his son’s visitor’s visa into a permanent resident visa without involving the OP as absolutely it will be sought by the immigration authorities.

I know someone who was sent back to the UK from Australia after they tried to keep their child there but not having the other parent’s permission. I even know another person who moved to another state with the kids after they separated and they were ordered by the court to return to the area where they previously lived with the other parent.

Tbh, they seem more interested in forgetting his existence than trying to keep him in Australia. I wouldn’t be surprised if the visits don’t materialize-his father will probably plead lack on money.

It's saddening how she can speak of her stepson like that in front of his father. Everyones outlook on life is different but it seems like your son misses out on having a dad now for the rest of his life (I know he's there but I don't think it's the same - especially as he gets older and needs his dad more sometimes), just so that the other 2 have a different, possibly better, life.

I wonder whether as the exh life progresses in Aus and shares some magic moments with his new children as they start getting older, get into relationships, ask their dad for advice etc etc, whether he'll spare a thought for this first born child who might have needed a hug or a high 5 from dad on occasion.

And OP, even if you did all the bad things that the new wife is accusing you of, this is about her stepchild, not you and her. I do wonder if she's getting that confused.

Appalling. I’m unfailingly shocked by these sorts of threads. The fact his dad would contemplate doing that. The fact he hadn’t told you. The fact he can get someone to marry him when he is clearly an appalling dad. That this step mum is a teacher and apparently has no concern at all about a child she has seen every other weekend and once in the week. The whole this is shocking. I’m so sorry OP. Would your ex pay for him to go over the long summer holiday for a month?

I agree. I think @howsweet should ask the dad to pay for counselling sessions for his DS so that he can process the loss of his other family.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Your poor son, with a spineless father and a piece of shit stepmother. If she wasn't willing to be a stepmum, she shouldn't have married him.

All you can do now is support your son - do you know why he hasn't spoken about the move previously of he's known about it for months?

Who knows what will happen with the every other year 6 weeks in Perth. It's a long way away for a youngster to go. At least of she is a teacher and it's not her long holiday she will hopefully be busy working while he goes and his dad (and gran?) should take time to spend with him. But 6 weeks every 2 years and to lose the relationship with his siblings too.

I would refuse to have any contact with the wife at all. Do you have a relationship with exMIL? Wonder what she makes of it.

At least your son has one parent who won't let him down.

I never thought I’d think like this but I absolutely agree with this.

Your poor boy. My heart goes out to him, and to you having to deal with the fallout.