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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

623 replies

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Sunnyjac · 14/07/2024 16:28

Doesn’t matter if your ex didn’t want a child with you, he has one so that’s that. As for his new partner whinging about not getting her experience of motherhood how she wanted that’s the price for being with someone who already has children. You’d think as a teacher she’d have some insight into this!

As has been said, focus on your son, keep everything about him, stay factual and detached, check the legal position re payments for your son and practice a lot of deep breathing techniques! Good luck

HollyKnight · 14/07/2024 16:30

Sadly, your son's father isn't going to fight to have a relationship with his son. He has made it very clear what an inconvenience he is. I think the kindest thing for your son will be to start reducing contact now so he gets used to not having his father or siblings in his life. And go after CM. If he quits his job so be it. I'm sure his wife will love being the sole earner.

Glasspanels · 14/07/2024 16:33

You've nothing to be embarrassed about OP. Your exh is obviously a weak man and he is marrying a nasty witch who will ultimately make his life a misery. That marriage won't last.

For now, get yourself a good divorce lawyer. It may be that you can't make him support your son from Australia, so I wouldn't be too worried about facilitating a relationship between him and your DS. Obviously don't slag him off to your son, but just let him do any running. If your DS asks why this is happening just tell him to ask his father.

Does your DS have a good relationship with his paternal GPs? It'd be interesting to hear what they think about the situation. Not that they'd ever tell you, but if they are decent people they must be disgusted at their son's choices.

BruFord · 14/07/2024 16:35

And go after CM. If he quits his job so be it. I'm sure his wife will love being the sole earner.

@HollyKnight Yrs and from what Australian posters have said about the COL, a family of four will have a hard time surviving on a teacher’s salary in Perth. He’ll have to work at some point.

I still can’t wrap my mind around their callous attitudes towards this little boy, they’re monsters.

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2024 16:35

Imagine already finding reasons to reduce contact before even leaving. I cannot fathom the fecklessness of some men.

Coldupnorth87 · 14/07/2024 16:36

You've been blindsided by thinking all was ok over many years and she's clearly been hoarding grievances.

Don't beat yourself up for losing your calm on the call. You were responding to a much worse situation than expected and an awful lot of pent-up emotion.

I agree with seeking legal advice and also get some advice on how to handle the separation. I would worry about your DS going to their house in the meantime.

Nasty piece of work by the sounds of it.

HollyKnight · 14/07/2024 16:42

BruFord · 14/07/2024 16:35

And go after CM. If he quits his job so be it. I'm sure his wife will love being the sole earner.

@HollyKnight Yrs and from what Australian posters have said about the COL, a family of four will have a hard time surviving on a teacher’s salary in Perth. He’ll have to work at some point.

I still can’t wrap my mind around their callous attitudes towards this little boy, they’re monsters.

It will be a good lesson for them both. She thinks going all the way to Australia will get the boy out of her life. Which it will, but not completely. The father can't run away from his financial responsibilities.

I wonder what his family feel about their plan.

Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 14/07/2024 16:46

It was a useful phonecall as it's sadly clarified exactly their motivation and intention towards your son. Sounds like she's going whether he goes or not so he's trailing along behind her. I don't imagine their relationship will last 5 mins over there if he had any spine.

What's his visa situation anyway? She's presumably got a working visa but would he get one? Other PPs have given you good Qs for your solicitors appointment.

Please do try and keep in touch with his paternal family over here if they're nice. Your DS will value their ongoing support after your ex has gone.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 14/07/2024 16:47

You have nothing to be embarrassed about at all, you’re fighting your ds corner.

She sounds a bitch. Karma awaits at some point. The bit about her being angry family made a fuss of your ds when she had a baby! What the actual fuck???

I think it’s a done deal so speak to a lawyer, financially get all you can for your son. Ask his school for support for him as I really fear even FT contact might tail off.

InterIgnis · 14/07/2024 16:56

For a guess, their visa is already sorted with him and her children listed as her dependents. Having a child he, legally, isn’t going to pay child support for isn’t going to prevent him from emigrating.

It isn’t going to be easy to get child maintenance, clearly. That will be a matter for REMO if/when you can establish he’s in employment. As well intentioned as ‘he has to pay’ statements are, in reality it isn’t difficult for absent parents to avoid it, and REMO can be very hit and miss. Pursue it if/when you can, certainly, but don’t bet on seeing anything.

Toohot2trot · 14/07/2024 17:04

Americano75 · 14/07/2024 16:15

I'm starting to think your son is better off without his dad, or any of them. That's genuinely disgusted me.

And me, disgusting

WB205020 · 14/07/2024 17:10

@howsweet This situation for your son is awful and I’m slightly speechless at what is happening.

At the risk of incurring wrath it does sound like your ex maybe between a rock and a hard place. The move sounds driven by her, not him and if she actually said she was going and if your ex wanted to stay that was fine that makes it sound like he is being forced to choose to some degree.

The whole this is just awful and I have no answers or suggestions and whilst I think leaving your DS behind is unforgivable I’m also thinking your ex maybe having his hand forced at a risk of losing his current family. I could be wrong of course.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/07/2024 17:13

howsweet · 14/07/2024 16:04

Sorry for such a delayed reply. I was emotionally exhausted and drained after the conversation with exh - which turned into a row between me and his fiancé. so they have had an opportunity that they ‘absolutely cannot refuse’ and they want to give their children ‘a big adventure’. She has a connection over there and a good job opportunity. They will be going to perth.

im not even going to cut it short so long post alert.

So I went into this conversation with my sons emotional well-being at the forefront - I decided I wasn’t going to ask about the money thing at this time because I wanted my exh to know and focus on just how upset our son is about this whole thing. So exh apologised to me for the way I found out and agreed that he should have told me in person. He then said that our son has known about the move for months and that they’ve had lots of conversations about it and maybe he has only just mentioned it to me now because the house has gone up for sale! As far as contact goes, he promises to FaceTime as much as possible - but mentioned that the time difference is awkward - and that his mum (ex MIL) will fly over with ds in the 6 weeks holidays every other year and that he will pay for his flight. I said ok but I don’t think 6 weeks every other year is sufficient enough for a little boy to see his dad when he’s used to regular contact, and that he should see him every year. That’s when i hear his fiancé on the other end of the line muttering something. He then says ‘just bear in mind that we’ve got two other children and when ds visits it will impact their routine and they will still be at school then as Australia break for summer in December instead’ ….so I was in complete and utter shock at this statement.
this is when I start to get pissed off. I remind exh that he has his first son to consider and we go back and forth for a couple minutes as he tells me that he loves our ds but his other children have a great opportunity to grow up in Perth. I then fully call him out and say he’s abandoning his first son.

this is when his bleeping fiancé gets on the phone and wow she had a lot to say for herself. I could barely get a word in edge ways and I was left shaken by how careless and callous she was about my son.
she said that she’s sick to death of never being able to totally do what she wants with her own kids, her experience of first time motherhood was ruined because of my ds because apparently my exh and his family made a fuss of him when their baby was born so he didn’t feel left out and she said that it was a shit time for her. She resents that she has to work out what weekend it is before she plans something for her own kids. It annoys her how the behaviour of the younger kids changes when my ds is there because they get giddy and excited. She said she isn’t missing this opportunity to take her kids to Australia for a better childhood and that exh can go with them or stay here to be with ds. I feel like she’s been reading on here because she literally said to me, if I think for one second that I can go to csa officially then exh will quit his job and that I won’t be getting a single penny off her income. Apparently I’ve had enough of his money over the years and that she can prove none of it goes on ds!!! Utter bullshit

i called her a selfish cow and reminded her again how he has his oldest son who he is going to leave behind. This is when goes in with the lowest blow ever ‘but he didn’t want to have a baby with you did he’ and started going on about how I forced exh to have a baby. I did not force exh to get my pregnant, it was a joint decision, but the truth is that at the time I knew deep deep down he didn’t want a baby with me and that our marriage wasn’t going to last. We were together 10 years but our marriage only lasted 2 years. He left when ds was a baby and he did remind me that he didn’t want ‘any of this’
So she knows our history and stuff I can’t even believe he’s admitted to her! This is the reason that I was gutted when he met her years ago and had their first baby because I could see in his whole demeanour that he was happy and he dotes on those two children. I know people will
say you don’t know what goes on at home but it’s clear as day that he cherishes those children and that woman in a way he never did with me and ds.

I lost my shit and called her an evil bitch amongst other things and she hung up the phone. ive not spoken to either since and when exh came for ds the other day he waited at the car and didn’t come to the door and chat as he usually does.

i don’t know where to go from here. Obviously it needs addressing as this awkwardness can’t carry on and I’m just so distraught by the whole thing and totally embarrassed

Holy fucking moly!
One thing sticks with me is that she gets annoyed when your ds is there because her kids become giddy and excited. Let alone the ruined motherhood bit and exh family made a fuss of your ds so he wouldn’t feel left out.

I really feel for you because you see how happy he is with them and it wasn’t for you.
That’s tough.

I’m sorry you’re going through this x

tiktokoclock · 14/07/2024 17:13

I would be waving them off with a massive smile on my face, thrilled that she wasn't going to have any more influence over my son. And I'd cheerfully say that to him next time he comes to pick up.

As for her, she got with a man who had a kid he didn't want and then had two more?! Leave them to it.

Put your energy into finding a good lawyer, and supporting your kid through being abandoned. Not one person in your ex-h's life will think he's anything other than a shitbag for this.

DarkandStormyNightie · 14/07/2024 17:21

Can you afford to get some therapy support for your son to help him process the situation?

He is a million times more important than those selfish f@$kers

I'd absolutely 100% go for a financial order against them in Australia because it will hang over their heads. Its extremely expensive in Australia now and they will absolutely struggle on a teachers salary. At some point he will need to find work and it will be a monthly irritant they have to deal with.

Also, cultivate a close relationship with the ILs and tell them everything that has happened. Make sure they know about DS as he grows up because they will bring it up as family news in calls with them and that will drive her nuts.

I bet you good money they'll be split up in no time and he'll run back to the UK. Thats a lot of resentment to have been bubbling for years and being alone in a new country puts strain on any relationship.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/07/2024 17:28

I hope she is on here so she can read that I think she's an absolute cunt.

Coldupnorth87 · 14/07/2024 17:38

She sounds jealous of your DC.

I would be interested in hearing what the paternal GP think.

BruFord · 14/07/2024 17:39

His family has clearly known for some time and isn’t bothered, which is awful. Now that it’s out in the open, I wouldn’t hesitate to be open about what’s going on, that he’s threatening to quit his job if you officially claim CMS. I presume his parents love their grandchild and I wonder whether they realize that’s his intention.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/07/2024 17:42

Wow! What a piece of work.

Don’t feel embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong.

Do get that CMS claim in now, while he does still have a job.

Is he a Disney Dad? Because she definitely sounds like a Disney Wicked Stepmother!

BingPot99 · 14/07/2024 17:42

If he wanted to, he could keep all his DC in this country by going to court to prevent his DP leaving the country with the younger ones. He has chosen not to do that and is actively choosing "a better life" for the younger ones whilst refusing to maintain meaningful contact or financial support for the older one, making his priorities clear.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 14/07/2024 17:43

He definitely downgraded from you with this bitch. I can’t see their marriage lasting as she sounds so horrible.

socks1107 · 14/07/2024 17:45

That is just awful.
Unfortunately you can't stop him but I don't know about the financial side. She's sounds just awful and I think the other side of the world is the best place

DPotter · 14/07/2024 17:53

Perth is an expensive city to live in, so I can't see them having a fantastic life on just a teacher's salary. So at some point he will have to work, so get that CMS claim in asap.

I'm not sure how I feel about a child of mine flying over with his paternal grandmother to Aus. As understand it, the law in Australia is very strong on keeping children there, so how would it be if your ex wanted to keep your son there. Also it's expensive to fly out there - who will pay the airfare plus expenses if he's not working. Stepmum doesn't sound like she'll be falling over herself to pay and money will be tight for them.

I agree with others - I'd reach out to paternal grandparents, not to complain about their son, but to see if you can establish a link with his family so your son can feel included.

Ohlittleone · 14/07/2024 17:53

I feel like she's been reading this thread in here

I hope that she has been so she can see how much of a cunt everyone thinks she is and how much of a pathetic, weak excuse for a man everyone thinks your exh is.

I am a step mum and I'm a teacher. Being a step-parent is fucking hard and I hate when people say, "you knew what you got into" because in so many aspects you really don't until you're a step-parent. But the one thing you do know is that there are kids involved and that means ties to them and wherever they are in the world. I would love to live abroad and have been offered the opportunity to many times but I knew in getting with my DH that I was giving up on that happening because he had kids and so either he would be the kind of pathetic father who was prepared to leave him behind, in which case I would never want to be with him, or he would need to stay where they are to raise them. Thankfully he is the latter but I just can't get my head round a woman being not only happy for him to be prepared to leave his son behind but to actively encourage it. Also the fact that she is a teacher makes that somehow even worse for me, someone who is supposed to care for other people's children and yet who is so callous about her own stepson.

What an evil pair of absolute pricks. If his family really did give your son attention when their child together was born I really hope that they are speaking up now.

gardenmusic · 14/07/2024 17:54

BingPot99 · Today 17:42
If he wanted to, he could keep all his DC in this country by going to court to prevent his DP leaving the country with the younger ones. He has chosen not to do that and is actively choosing "a better life" for the younger ones whilst refusing to maintain meaningful contact or financial support for the older one, making his priorities clear.

This, absolutely this. Now I detest your ex, and make no apologies for him, but has he believed that she CAN take his children away?
Clutching at straws, but is he aware that he can keep the younger children in this country, and it's not a case of choosing which children he stays with?
I can guarantee that if he goes, the 6 weeks every other year will not happen.
He's awful, and she wants your son out of the picture.

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