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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

413 replies

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:55

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 04/07/2024 15:56

He sounds horrendous OP. What about the relationship do you miss?

BeeCucumber · 04/07/2024 15:57

I think he’s done you a favour. It hurts now but he wasn’t the one for you. He was cruel and critical and you deserve more.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:58

He was lovely most of the time and we had great memories.
I just think ghosting like this is cruel. I know I left, but I have actually tried to sort it out since leaving.

OP posts:
flipflopsandsun · 04/07/2024 15:58

Block him so you know not to expect contact and take some control back. He sounds like an arsehole anyway.

Verv · 04/07/2024 15:58

He sounds like a vindictive and controlling twat, so YABU for glorifying him.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:59

We had a lovely time the other day, I bought us dinner and we had a great chat.
He actually apologised during this and I told him he didn't need to.
Then we left, he was messaging me that night and we had normal chat.
Then suddenly ghosted. I don't understand why.

OP posts:
Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 15:59

I think that he did the right thing. It would hurt me too much if my partner broke up with me, stayed friends but then gave me mixed signals. I think blocking you was the right thing to do on his part. He’s making the first step to moving on.

I think you should do the same. You even admitted he wasn’t the one, I think it sounds a bit like you didn’t want to be with him but are panicking because you don’t know how to be without him.

FionnulaTheCooler · 04/07/2024 15:59

You've dodged a bullet with the fact that he wouldn't commit to you. He sounds like a dick, be thankful that you're not stuck with him and you can move on.

Ginkypig · 04/07/2024 16:00

It’s just another act of him showing you that you deserve better.

he can’t even control himself enough to try to pretend to get you back!

please think of this as drawing a line under it

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 16:00

BTW it sounds like breaking up was the best thing and he is an ex for a reason. He doesn’t sound like a catch from what you said in your OP.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:00

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 15:59

I think that he did the right thing. It would hurt me too much if my partner broke up with me, stayed friends but then gave me mixed signals. I think blocking you was the right thing to do on his part. He’s making the first step to moving on.

I think you should do the same. You even admitted he wasn’t the one, I think it sounds a bit like you didn’t want to be with him but are panicking because you don’t know how to be without him.

I understand why you say that. But I have tried to sort it out, I haven't given mixed signals.
I wanted commitment at 34, I didn't just leave for any old reason.

OP posts:
bigageap · 04/07/2024 16:01

Please see this as the good thing it is. He sounds awful. Hiding food? Laughing at your hair.
would you want this for a daughter?

Arlanymor · 04/07/2024 16:01

To be honest, and I am saying this kindly, when you left he had no obligation to ever speak to you again did he? And the fact he did and that you were spending time together kind of makes me think that you were hoping you would restart the relationship. I think the ghosting may end up working in your favour, you got the strength to walk away and still being in touch undermines your actions. I think you need to take it on the chin - I know it hurts - but his behaviour is helping to reinforce why you left in the first place. Onwards and upwards - whether he really means to make a clean break now or if he is playing a game - take the control yourself, block him, and focus on your OWN future, without him.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:01

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 15:59

I think that he did the right thing. It would hurt me too much if my partner broke up with me, stayed friends but then gave me mixed signals. I think blocking you was the right thing to do on his part. He’s making the first step to moving on.

I think you should do the same. You even admitted he wasn’t the one, I think it sounds a bit like you didn’t want to be with him but are panicking because you don’t know how to be without him.

I thought he was the one, I said I didn't feel that I was 'his' one, that I wasn't the one for him.

OP posts:
HappierTimesAhead · 04/07/2024 16:02

He hid the sauces so YOU had to make it from scratch?! Wtaf! If he likes things made from scratch then he could do it himself. He sounds like a total wanker weirdo

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 16:02

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:00

I understand why you say that. But I have tried to sort it out, I haven't given mixed signals.
I wanted commitment at 34, I didn't just leave for any old reason.

Show quote history

I know you didn’t. You left for right reasons. Sorry I sent my first post too early but added another post about the fact you deserve better and he doesn’t sound like a catch.

Jutemat · 04/07/2024 16:02

You liked him hanging on a string and now he's cut it and found someone else.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:03

Shortly after leaving I got a bit of a crush on someone else and that helped to distract me from the pain, even if nothing happened. Now that's faded and the pain is back but worse.

OP posts:
DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 04/07/2024 16:03

He wasn't lovely. And that kind of halfway bollocks after a break up never works and has to end one way or another. Hopefully he's met someone else and that's why he's ghosted you so you can move on.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:03

Jutemat · 04/07/2024 16:02

You liked him hanging on a string and now he's cut it and found someone else.

No? I have told him very clearly I wanted to sort things out. The man wouldn't offer me any commitment at 34. I don't dangle people on a string.

OP posts:
HappierTimesAhead · 04/07/2024 16:03

You ended it for the right reasons! It was never going to work

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:04

But maybe he was right. I am a bitch. I deserve it. That's how I feel ATM.

OP posts:
Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 16:06

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:03

Shortly after leaving I got a bit of a crush on someone else and that helped to distract me from the pain, even if nothing happened. Now that's faded and the pain is back but worse.

It’s natural to feel like this after a break up even if you were the one to end things. Even after ending a relationship with a verbally abusive boyfriend it still took me time to get over the hurt and also adjust to being single again.

But you need to take a deep breath and realise that you dodged a bullet. Yes you had good times together, but the reality is he wasn’t your person and had a lot of bad traits. It’s time to pull up your big girl pants, hold your head high and move on.

By breaking up with him you should have just left it as that, you’ve made it more complicated trying to be friends and giving him mixed signals. Move on, get rid of him off any social media’s whatapp etc and remember you deserve more.

PistachioCroissant · 04/07/2024 16:06

This is the luckiest thing to have happened to you.

You ended it for many good reasons, he sounds appalling, but clearly you were a whisper away from being reeled back in.

Lucky escape.

With time you will move on and realise you can do so much better than him. Hiding food ffs.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 04/07/2024 16:06

You aren't a bitch but you feel bad because instead of breaking up and getting over him you've been dragging out the break up and now have to feel it all over again. Break ups hurt. Time to stop pissing about being 'friends' and accept it's over.