Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis1]

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

If a man is lovely most of the time - listens, cooks dinner, helps, supports and comforts you, is interested in your life, wants to know your hopes and dreams for the future, wants the same out of life for example marriage and kids

but hits you, abuses you, financially controls you, is unkind or spiteful to you does the first list make up for the second?

He has gone and you have to move on. I know it's shit. I asked for space, my h decided we were done and didn't fight for me. I know I'm better without him and it is 100% the right thing for me it still hurts all he's done that necessitated the divorce and that he walked away in less than an hour and has treated the dc and I awfully since.

Yes, I tried.
There is one poster on here who is really trying to make me feel bad and keeps repeating 'you dumped him, you dumped him.' as if I just did it out of the blue and for no reason, and even though I wrote I tried to get us back together shortly after but he didn't want to.

Why are you ignoring all of the good advice?

He was trying to mould you into someone he wanted... which wasn't you. You ended it for a reason. You can't make it work with someone who is trying to change every aspect of you. It wouldn't be congruent in any form.

You've just ripped off the plaster and are feeling vulnerable because he is all you've known for a while. Just let him go.

Do some casual online dating. It should help take your mind off it. You definitely did the right thing splitting, he sounds abusive. Abusive partners aren't like that all the time, that's how they get people to stay with them. But no doubt he would isolate you and work on continuing to reduce your self esteem so that he could get away with ramping up the abuse over time. It's hard when you split up with a long term partner, natural to miss them and want to have contact with them. But it's actually easier in the long run if you don't have contact as you can start to grieve the relationship and start the process of moving on with your life. That won't happen if you are still catching up with cosy chats. You don't need to understand why he did it, it's over between you and it needed to be over for your long term welfare. So I agree you should block and start the process of moving towards your better brighter future without him.in it.

I appreciate all the advice. Thanks.

No. No faux self flagellation. No one is going to say you're a bitch or you deserved it but no one likes a person who tries to put themselves down so others can build them up. You know you've done the right thing. You know you're not a bitch. Don't go there.

Why would you want to sort things out with such a horrible man?

It really wouldn't matter if you had left him for no reason.

You couldn't sort it out as you're not his one. He didn't want to. He barely liked you. People who love someone don't take the piss out of them or hide food so they have to make it from scratch.

Surely a typo - did you mean to say 'I am delighted!'
If not, you should be.

You left him. By your own admission he's not trying to win you back. You can't decide whether you want him back or not, so you keep hanging around. He's decided he wants to move on.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 I really mean this in the kindest way but you have to let him go. You were absolutely right to dump him when he wouldn't commit. I really understand how at 34 you are panicked that you won't meet anyone else and your biological clock is ticking. In reality, you do have time and you can and will meet someone who isn't hesitant about you. I met my long-term partner in my late 30s and had a baby at 38. There are lots of us out there with a similar story. You won't get what you want from your ex so you really have to move on. I do wish you the best.

i reckon you have dodged a double bullet...once for leaving him and the second because he has cut contact and stopped you doing anything daft. I'd block him....its not unknown for ghosting to be a part of abuse....he ghosts then contacts you again.

You say you had so many wonderful times together?,,, When? Your post says nothing about that. He sounds like a premium grade wanker you're well rid of.

He has a new bird.... she won't be having him texting the ex!

I can't see anyone saying you left him for no reason op. Everyone's saying he sounds like a complete twat. You were right to leave him and he really isn't that into you. Time to move on from him.

He sounds awful- everything you have said about him says he is unpleasant and uncaring. I'm sure he's nice when you are wining and dining him.
You are the problem here. You left for good reason and now you are being pathetic and hanging around hoping he'll change. He won't. He has no intention of changing. He doesn't care.
Block him and force yourself to never look back at him again. Never contact him, never respond to contact from him. Never speak to him or meet up with him. You deserve better than being someone's third or fourth best option when he has nothing better to do. Stop deluding yourself.

He sounds like a loser. Not sure why you’d even want him in your life.

He’s met someone else. Doesn’t need to be in contact with you any more. So he isn’t.

Don’t focus on that poster. You are ignoring all the replies that are telling you that your ex was abusing you. Believe it. I’ve been there and it only gets worse. He’s a narcissist and likes to be in control, that’s why he makes you feel bad with the insults, the criticisms about your cooking, your reading, your small debt. That’s also why he goes out all night and doesn’t tell you. He wants you to feel smaller and smaller, until you lose any sense of yourself. If you stayed you would be forever walking on eggshells and trying to please him. You have done the right thing by leaving. Be proud of yourself and move on. Narcissists are also charmers and can be lovely a lot of the time. They charm everyone else. But as time goes on, they show their bad traits more and more often. You have only been together for a short time, count yourself lucky that you have got out and please, I beg you, don’t apologise and don’t ask him to come back. You have NOTHING to apologise for.

Are they trying to make you feel bad? I haven't read those posts, but are you sure about that, or is that your critical voice talking?

Maybe they are trying to remind you that you made a clear decision and a severance of your contact was actually the original goal.

try this thought on for size
'yes, I did dump him, for good reason.
As much as I have a strong emotional attachment to this man, he could never make me happy because he did not champion me in any way that counted. Even though this is causing me pain I stand to gain more than I lost because a lifetime of his behaviour would leave me a hollow shell, thank god there are no kids involved. This is why some part of me found the courage to dump him. Thank goodness I decided to leave the relationship. I found it hard to truly close the door, I'm only human, but he has done me a favour. I did dump him, thank you for reminding me... and the consequences will free me.'

Not that he sounds like a catch from what you’ve described OP, but I agree with this advice.

Maybe he was struggling being friendly with you and decided to cut contact as it’s too hard for him. Maybe he’s met someone else. Maybe he’s just still behaving the way he’s behaved through your relationship.

You made the decision to break up with him for many reasons.

I don’t think you actually want him back deep down. You’re just scared of the unknown and being without what you’re used to.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 There is nothing awful about leaving because you are not on the same page. It sounds like you made a decision and your original instincts were right but that doesn’t mean it’s not a hard road (made harder by the limbo you’ve been in).

As for ‘playing with his feelings’ from what you’ve said I think it’s your feelings that have been played. He sounds like he considered himself socially and intellectually superior to you and let you know. It sounds like he blew hot and cold and kept you dangling. It also sounds like the people around you who know you believe you did the right thing in leaving. I can totally understand why breaking up at your stage of life is hard because I did it too, but honestly commitment from someone with his attitude might not have been a fairytale ending, more like the beginning of a nightmare. Don’t you deserve better? Starting with someone who respects your values, and doesn’t want to change who you are.

Keep going, you WILL see that your decision to leave was the right one 💐

OP he has actually done the kindest thing to you (although not with kind intentions). If he had stayed in contact with you, he would've strung you along. This man is a narcissist, and a horrible individual. You deserve so much better.

I think that the pp suggestion of going dating might be risky.
Plough effort into other things which reminds you it's good to be alive.
Because you are vulnerable right now. You have emotional wounds which will attract aaalllll the wrong men... You could fall out of the frying pan into the fire very easily.
Not because you are weak but because you are human and your need for love is stronger than your self belief right now.
The time to date (for a good outcome) is when those things are in better balance